The History

January 1, 2003 - March 31, 2003

The Year 2003 was supposed to be a year to not compare with 2002 - the worst year, in what I thought, was of my life. 2002 also marked the most TW shutdowns of any year to date. That was about to change very quickly though. TW, in 2003, made and became what it is today by freak accidents and huge contests and pictures of gigantic proportions. And the class of 2007, who invaded RSS by storm, made a huge part of 2003.

2003 began with what was slated to be the biggest fuckfest of the year. Galveston II, mimicking the ever-so-TW godly Galveston I, still one of the best all time. This fuckfest however turned into a gigantic gathering with couples, and couples who really shouldn't have been there.

Me, Andrew Masterson, Amy Warren, Brad Wilson, Sheridan Hobson, Kelly Kincl, Tommy McMahon, and Allison Horner, blessed her sick soul, was with us for Galveston II. It immediately began wrong - no one should ever eat before a fuckfest, because when that happens, you get tired. And TW rule obeyed - after a huge McDonalds brunch we head to the Super Goodwill, which proved to be FUCKING BORING, sorry everyone who enjoyed themselves! But anyway, after that, we went to the Strand, and that proved useless, and then we circled around Galveston....who the fuck knows why.

The next morning, miscommunication occured after a sleepover at Andrew's house: Tommy, Kelly, and I all thought we were going to Galveston again the next morning. Brad and Andrew didn't know this, and the next morning, everyone was tweedling their thumbs and we never left. Galveston II, the first part, proved to be a disaster. It redeemed itself later.

Back in my emo days, I was invited to a The Used concert with Stephanie Foreman and Amanda Klaus. I sadly went, resulting in all the emo kids to look at the pictures on The Warzone. Enough of that, I was TRYING to jump up and down at the concert....but there were little kids in front of me. FUCK!

School comes back in play, everyone's pissed off, everyone wants to be a senior, and The Warzone was beginning to get in a slump. It was pretty bad at first, but for the first three months of 2003, The Warzone averaged less hits than what we now recieve in a week, IN ONE MONTH. In 2004, we hit 51,000 hits in one day. 1/3 of that, we recieved in a month.

I knew all the fuckfests I was putting on had to work sometime. I tried once again to put on the Galveston II fuckfest. I resulted to something I'm not even proud of: A driver and a guy named Lowell Morrison. Good guy I guess, but when it comes down to it, he was in Galveston II, and he was definitely a major part.

Galveston II had a trip to Colonel Bubbie's, a very long walk on the sand, and my emo self writing "Fuck You 2002" on East Beach in Galveston. Many God pictures were taken, and so was the quote "Rachel sucks my dick!"

I immediately put that up for everyone to see, but even that wasn't a big hit. Slowly but surely, I began thinking nothing was going to work to attract attention. Then suddenly, major things started happening at school, and the very action-packed January - February Fiasco started. It, in my opinion, is the least visited TW time but the most rebellious and traditional of TW since the opening in 2000.

The Rebellion Era

This might seem to most people my plan to begin taking over the world, but I promise its not. This is the history of The Warzone. And the reason why it lagged was because of this long drawn out period of time where I decided it was time to become a politician and a comedian at the same time. And it worked. Watch out Michael Moore!

Kelly turned fifteen years old, and on that night, there was Hooters celebration, thanks to Marley. Oh, and I think Amy Warren had something to do with it as well, but I can't remember.

On January 20, a crazy idea came into my head that I should bring my Megazord, the Power Rangers main destructive tool against bad guys, to school and take crazy pictures with it.

It was one of the most successful Go Digital's, and funniest Go Digital's of all time. Even the band directors who so graciously kicked me out of band loved it, and Megazord directed the whole Music Theory class with a song called "The Big Fuck You." Megazord also did the American pledge. What an insane day.

On the same day, I introduced a totally brand new concept of WOMM's - audio. What became a very simple thing to do awesome became a critically acclaimed hit. Everyone loved the audios - espesically Tommy. He couldn't get enough of the way I said certain words. His lumberjack - condom Radio show that happened in July is based on this certain longing for his own hilarity to be on the airwaves.

What happened next was the most craziest thing though to ever happen in my political setting at school: Leaving a class based on unfair school work given to any student.

On January 20, the computer science teacher, Mrs. Phillips, hands out the next semester's textbooks to the entire class. The next day, the entire class is shocked with a pop quiz. She got us there. We didn't read. It was cool. It was fucking hard too.

On January 22, she gave us ANOTHER pop quiz. No one really understood the logic behind this, and everyone failed again. The quiz was way harder than understanding anything in the book - no one had a fucking clue.

On January 23, Mrs. Phillips gave a third quiz, a quiz everyone failed so miserably that after the next class, I told every single person in Computer Science and in my Physics class that I was planning a walk-out on Friday if she gave another pop quiz.

The next day, word was buzzing about what I was going to do, and some people asked me about it. I told them the truth. I was going to fucking walk out if there was a pop quiz today.

The same day, I was about to walk out on Mrs. May, who was so deep in her pregnancy that she was busting EVERYONE'S balls. It was so bad that sometimes I would think about walking out in there, but I wanted US History AP. I liked the class. I liked the cheating. And I so fucking loathed Computer Science. I had no idea what I was going to do immediately after the walk-out. But, I was planning on it.

6th period comes, and the inevitable happens: Another pop quiz. She puts the quiz on my desk, I get up, I rip it up, I take my computer science book, and I trash it in the can. I walk out of the room with my backpack.

Five minutes before I did this, everyone asked me if I was going to do it. And I did. And I waited for ANYONE to come out and join me.

Two people did: Two young lads with lots of ties to any TW reader: Stud-muffin bassist Jesse LaRue and the server-networking genious and awesome all-around guy Tim Stuart walk out. Tim, the classy man he is, forgot his leather jacket inside the room. They both get passes to leave. I don't.

We walk to the office and we tell Candy what happened. Then Shaw gives us an interview, and about twenty minutes later, me and Tim were negotiating class schedules with Mrs. Pickens. Tim joined me, but Jesse was fucked: He had to have that credit to graduate. He was suckered back into the class. Luckily, I had webmastering as another class that year, and I was still ok to do whatever I wanted.

The next move would determine my fate for the rest of my high school career: Tim convinced Mrs. Pickens to put us in Theatre with Mrs. Laura Mills Parker, the drama director with the son everyone knows about, Jared Parker, the lead in many of our plays that upcoming year.

Parker almost didn't even admit me in, but after some convincing, I finally did it. I was in. And I didn't care about anything.

The next week, Mrs. Upchurch, the academic dean, called me in and bitched at me that what me and Tim did was absolutely inappropriate. We could have waited and she could evaluated Mrs. Phillips, but after that, she didn't care. She claimed it to be an AP Class, and since it was college they can push the learning degree as hard as possible. But the thing is, she wasn't teaching it after we failed anyway! Everyone was failing, this wasn't some little thing, EVERYONE was.

That previous weekend, I spruced things up a bit with Lowell and Kelly, and we went on a mission to Clear Lake, creating a slightly large Go Digital. Still, still, The Warzone was lacking in hits that we so terribly needed. But at the same time, everyone was busy doing something. Everyone. We really didn't know what we could do to boost the hits, but for a while everyone was just dead. But I was alive. And I was well. And I wasn't being fucked over. And I wanted to excel.

I wanted to do something more extracurricular in my life other than writing and entertaining so much. And I was not doing anything in school to stop me from just being stupid. So, I began hating ex-girlfriends, and I began settling on advertising more for The Warzone to make it bigger. And I did exactly that.

When I was one of the first people admitted into Salvation Skate Park before even the main ramps were built in the skate park, I was so excited that finally teenagers around Baytown could FUCKING FINALLY skate legally. But there was a problem: Salvation knew they were going to be a monopoly, and they could set the market price with whatever they wanted.

Knowing this, and knowing that Walking 49, a band that won the Battle of the Bands and one of the most famous bands in Baytown at a time had an extremely popular website, one that was more popular than The Warzone for its short run. I became the webmaster at Salvation Skate Park, and slowly but surely friends of mine joined on the venue and me and Jared Wilson continued our friendship and teamwork to create something awesome for a lot of people.

Salvation was the start of Jared and I basically never doing work again in Pre-Calculus. The class was a blast, and the teacher even enjoyed TW - when it got big.

Governor and First Lady

Throughout the Rebellion Period, I slid into things so fast that no one really knew what was happening. As I've always said to everyone - "I'm the last to find out about everything." That's so true, considering I didn't even know I qualified for a ballot to be on the most prestegious popularity contests in all the high schools around this area: The Governor and First Lady. It's a fucked up prom king and queen event with six different winners in stages, three males and three females. The senior class represented the whole school; The freshmen, sophomore, and junior class had representatives.

Jared and I thought it'd be a funny idea if we got on the ballot for Governor and First Lady. Jared and I didn't care about the popularity contest at all. I laughed so hard at the idea of winning that I wanted to vote against myself. This wasn't the case of picking out three guys, it was actually not selecting the seven who didn't make it. It was, "Who is the best guy on this list?"

To be on the ballot for Governor and First Lady, three people must nominate you. The plan was for me to nominate Jared and find two other people to nominate me, and likewise with him. Incredibly, Jared totally forgot about nominating me, and we both got on the ballot anyway! That means that someone did by chance nominate us, and we both got on the ballot like it was nothing.

The day of voting, I didn't even know I was on the ballot. I didn't even care. But when I found out I was, I suddenly began wondering if I could ever make it. If Allison Page would vote for me, why wouldn't someone I'm just friends with regularly? And it worked. Somehow.

Josh Andrews, Kevin Woods, me, Kade Kovalcik, Eric King, Jared Wilson, Ryan Mengo, Chris Patterson, Uriel Mendoza, Billy Chase Angel, Drew Garica, Chase Kruger, and others were on the ballot. What is still is such a shock to me is that I'm on the list. I'm NOTHING LIKE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. NOTHING. They're all nice guys, but to be honest, Jared was the only person on this ballot I talked to on a daily basis. And that's insane.

All throughout the day, people were coming up to me and saying they voted for me. I never knew how wide-spread this contest was. Hell, this was the first year I ever heard about it. And I was shocked to know I was on this ballot with all these people, almost all of them in football or some kind of prestige sport, and me, just the website guy. I didn't look up to these guys at all, don't get me wrong. But we're on opposite ends of the world, and everyone knows that.

The next day, pandominum broke out when I found out I was one of the six to represent 512 people. In the band hall, the directors sneered with anger, the flute section cheered in delight, and people who hated me for what I did in the program to get kicked out totally condemned the idea of me representing the school: I was a bad person.

Throughout the hallways, I was telling everyone I won before the election results were played on the loudspeaker. Everyone was in shock, everyone couldn't believe it, and I was couldn't believe it either. Jared fell on the floor laughing. Mr. Smith, the chairman of the entire event, was in total disbelief. People who didn't talk to me regularly were congratulating me during my busy lunch period.

That night I put up a column about the whole event, and how everything began. It was so absolutely insane to feel like a representative in a class that barely knew of me as that "New Yorker with the hot babe contests." And the best part is, I knew that I'd either be dancing with Sarah Guest, Blair Conder, or Shelby Swint at the ceremony. What an insane list.

I immediately began calling myself the Communist Governor, and to this day, one of my nicknames is Governor, even though I've never made Governor in my life. I told everyone that this was only a publicity stunt in a way, and everyone seemed to go along with it. The Warzone wasn't doing poorly, but it was about to.

During all this, the worst event after 9-11 that took the hearts of many people was the February 1 Columbia Space Shuttle accident, where it came apart reentering the Earth's atmosphere.

February 6, the day of the results for Governor, was one of the best days ever for me. On that day, I proclaimed in drama that I would never go back to band again, and I stood by that word. I became an actor for school officialy on that day.

According to this timeline I wrote a long time ago, on February 12, Jared and I officially resigned from Walking 49. I can't really remember what set it off, but we didn't go to one of their concerts at the Engine Room, I remember. But anyway, Jared and I became more seriously inclined to work with the Salvation Skate Park crew.

The Funny Moments / Target IV

Still to this day, I wonder to myself what ever happened to the Friday night movie nights with Nick Reasoner. The times were great. I felt great. And so did everyone else. And we loved Taco Bell. Daredevil came out, and we were definitely ready to see it in the Clear Lake Cinemas. After the movie is done, Nick had inspiration to jump on top of a barrel and onto a staircase that was over eight feet in the air.

Nick's only attempt proved to be disasterous: After stepping on top of the barrel, Nick slides into second base and the grease COVERS him. This is popcorn grease materalizing for I don't know how many weeks.

Definitely one of the most embarrasing things to ever do after such a terrible catastrophe, Nick risks going back in through the movie theatre to ask to use the restroom because he tripped and fell in the movie theatre's grease. Somehow, it works, and we wind up in the bathroom while Nick tries to clean as much grease as possible.

Honestly, I was so sickened by everything that I stood behind and watched. But at the same time I couldn't help to feel embarrased even for myself. While walking out of the bathroom, some stranger farted. That didn't change the story though: Nick still had grease ALL OVER HIM.

That was the end of that story.

A couple of days later, I sketched out the Target IV plan with Tommy and Kelly. We still didn't know who would take Bill's legendary spot, but I was planning on filling it with someone.

At the same time, I had to work around the anniversary and the huge event that was happening one night before the Target IV festivities: [Pneuma]'s first ever show featuring Ryan Laubach, Andrew Masterson, Brad Wilson, Kelly Kincl, and Justin Deloss was to take place at Sheridan's birthday party, with another shitty band. This was vital since Kelly HAD TO be there, so I decided we could definitely work around that.

Target IV

Target IV wasn't just the biggest event I had ever thought of, but Target IV was also planned on being the largest fuckfest of all time. If you remember Target III, that, to the date of February 16, 2003, was the biggest of all time. We lost all the pictures due to a hard drive failure, and that sucked for all the people who still have yet to see one of the most fun fuckfests of all time.

Here was the plan: 4 different Houston communities - 4 different Target's - all in the same day. I went to Target.com to plan this ultimate fiasco, and I came up with this simple plan:

From Baytown's Target, which will always be the main Target we start from, we travel down 146 into La Porte, but instead of traveling straight into La Porte, we take 225 to Beltway 8. At Beltway 8, you travel South to Fairmont Parkway, for the good God Gracious SuperTarget, one of the biggest probably in the world.

From there, we would take the Beltway 8 feeder to I-45 and go South towards Galveston, and get off at Bay Area Blvd. The Target we originally went to was torn down six months later for a bigger Super Target. Super Target has taken over the Houston area by fucking storm. At least they can't pack their parking lots like Wal-Mart.

After Clear Lake, the fuckfest would proceed down I-45, through the Nasa Road One Corridor towards Kemah, and then back at 146, we would travel south across the bridge, into Kemah, and towards the other huge SuperTarget placed right at a major intersection on 146 towards League City and Dickinson.

When finished, we would just take 146 into Baytown.

The fuckfest turned out perfectly, with us making a scene at the Baytown Target with "The Eagle Shits at Midnight," a quote used whenever a Target employee was reporting us for wrecking havoc, us throwing a gallon of milk in the Pasadena parking lot then speeding off, Kelly poledancing in the Clear Lake Target and us running outside the store screaming madly for no reason at all, and the final Target with us getting kicked out so fast that we had no time for any good pictures. Members told the manager she and her store sucked pussy. Not too sure how true that is.

Coming home, some fucking nuts in a limo had their hands and heads out the window, and Tommy made some obscure comment which caused everyone in the limo to go fucking crazy. Therefore we started doing the same, and when we got up to pass the limo, the driver also started screaming at us. FUCK THEM!

And with that said and done, Target IV was a masterpiece: Target IV Fuckfest

For more info on Target IV, go to this WOMM

Leading up to Gov / First Lady

Starting Monday, the three rent-a-cops, teachers, administration, and your mom are giving out conduct reports if you do not have your ID badge on. Well, in my English class, that didn't happen. First off, we're so wasted in the morning from no sleep we do absolutely nothing and can't function. Second off, we're in such a shock that our stupid administration actually is doing something about us not wearing ID badges that we were speechless. Third and finally, we couldn't believe that they would use something like a conduct report - which goes on your permanent [high school] record - if you don't wear a piece of plastic.

I was thinking today about why we wear ID badges. Why do we? Identification? Well, that SEEMS to be the purpose, right? Well, get this. How many of those three security cops, one of them I might add is from Playboy, one of them weighs 600 pounds and was born in Mexico, and the other who's just a bitch in the first place, actually know are names? How many of them actually check to see if we have someone else's ID badge? That was brought up too. If you wear someone else's ID badge, you get screwed over with a conduct report PLUS OCS or ISS. Can anyone spell out lame? G-A-Y! Great. I'll like to see some cop stop me for actually wearing my ID badge trying to see if I am wearing my ID badge. There's no chance in the world unless I'm cussing my ass off in front of them that they'll stop me for WEARING an ID badge.

Today, I already saw signs that the cops are trying to crack down. I put on my ID badge for about a minute going to the East Annex. Then, I took it off. I'm not messing with a gay conduct report. I think it's the stupidest thing ever. Some guy who wants to shoot down the school can just wear an ID badge while doing it. There are so many flaws with our security it's not even funny. I suggest definite changes. Either they get some real cops at our school to give us some sense of security, or just get rid of ID badges altogether. They don't protect us. But, we already know that. I slapped myself in the face the other day thinking my ID badge would protect me. Instead, when I slapped myself, I also slapped the ID badge onto my face, leaving a major imprint on my cheek. I'm sueing the school for that one.

Basically, I say wear your ID badge in the hallway, hell with it in teacher's classrooms cause most of your teachers probably don't care and if they do, it will be about something else like 'PDA'

For you tech geeks, many of you think this section will be about a Palm Pilot. Sadly, it's not. It's me complaining about how stupid our school is. They are putting a ban on "Public Display of Affection."

So, I'm wondering. If high school is supposed to prepare you for college, doesn't that mean that they are totally unpreparing us for gangbangs, fuckfests, and wild sex at the fraternities around school, THAT ARE SCHOOL-FUNDED I MIGHT ADD? Now, I'm just being stupid and dumb, but it's true.

Starting now, I can't kiss Tim (Brockman), Nick (Reasoner), or my baby, Jared (Wilson), anymore in the hallways. Wow. I feel like I'm in elementary. So, now we have to wear pieces of plastic, and we can't kiss in the hallway. Damn. I feel like I'm a Jew now.

Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely can't stand people who are about to take off their clothes and have sex all over the floor. I mean, Tim and I have our limits, jeez. Those people should be hung at sight. But, you know what, now, no one really knows what "public display of affection" actually means! Because, is that as innocent as holding hands, or is that as bad as recieving oral sex in the restroom? Speaking of sex in the rest room, a guy in my theatre class got caught jerking the chain in the restroom. Man, PDA to yourself. Sounds like a Nick Reasoner Tall Tale.

Man. This makes me want to vomit. At least I won't get to see ugly people making out. Don't you hate that? Two ugly people making out or kissing? Vomitory. Thanks.

So, this PDA idea. Basically, my viewpoint is - EXTREMELY STUPID for people who actually are decent in public, EXTREMELY NECESSARY for disgusting, fat tubs of lard who think it's cool to make out and lick each other's faces in front of my prescene. Thanks. This rule needs to apply to certain people ONLY.

Governor and First Lady

On March 3, 2003, I wasn't neccessarily very prepared to start the day off as a representative of the school. Or, maybe I was - because I came to school late finishing a project that I did on the phone all last night and that morning. Also, I was painfully sober while doing all of this. THAT'S WHAT SUCKED.

For everyone that has to go through a Physics class, you all know and understand the absolute bullshit assignments we had to do. Either build a hot air balloon and waste all of your second semester Junior year time, or build a boat, try and manage to lap around our school swimming pool, and then fall in the water to impress the 2500 students who pass by the pool all week to watch the "boat races."

Well, thanks to poor planning on me and Cassie Silva's part, our boat was a balloon, and our balloon was completely made by me cause we fucked it up at Cassie's house. Therefore, I totally completed this assignment blind, without directions, without a partner, and with my dick tucked into my socks. IT SUCKED BALLS.

So anyway, I'm gluing shit in the morning of my Governor and First Lady presentation, and I realize that I left 100 flyers I copied in my room. I was going to pass it around and try to publicize the very unpopular Governor and First Lady. It's on a Monday Night and its in school. That's already a turn off for so many people.

That nigth, friends of mine definitely showed up. Outback it was, for a festive evening.

There's one part of this whole ceremony that people don't know what I was REALLY afraid about - the dance. I hate dancing. I fucking hate dancing. I just hate it with such a fucking passion because I can't do it cause I got no rhythm. I'm a Jew. Give me a fucking break. And here I am, about to dance with one of the hottest girls ever to grace our hallways and male (and some female) students: Blair Conder.

So, (everyone doesn't know this either) Sarah Guest and friends tell me where to place my hands, and just tell me to move in rhyhtm. Damn, I fucking HATE being a Jew from Brooklyn....well, ok, I'm not fucking Jewish. DAMN I CAN'T USE ANY GOOD EXCUSE!

The best part of the ceremony: Me not being included in the final picture that went into the yearbook. "WHERE IS MATT? WHERE IS MATT? OH GOD WHERE IS MATT??" Fuck you Mrs. Smith. FUCK YOU!

P.S. Mrs. May had her baby the day I got inagurated. YAY!

Overall, all the hype and all the time and money it took to make this event wasn't really worth it for the school, but I didn't care. Draining the school's money is all what I'm about. And I'm going to do well at pissing anyone off by taking their position in something they truely believed they deserved.

Slugging March

March has always been known for its slower than usual traffic during the month. I wasn't helping this fact either.

On March 11, Mr. HP II crossed 3130 pictures in less than a year. Galleria III was supposed to be today, but after eating at Bennigans, the entire Galleria crew was so out of it that we had to end the event early. That was totally fine with me though, cause Galleria III was good when we had it in June.

March was slow for many reasons. Nothing ever happens in March. Ever. It's just so slow. Or maybe EVERYTHING happens in March, and nobody ever wants to document it. Who the fuck cares. The Iraq War started in March, but I DEFINITELY don't give a shit about that. I just wanted to see some explosions on TV.

March was definitely a month for me to stress over on. Omeed Tabrizi tells me he needs a singer for a Rage Against the Machine song he wanted to cover for popshow. Stupidly, I told him I'd try. Stupidly, Omeed said I was good.

After a week or two of practicing, I finally got the hang of it, and we were set to play at 8:45 one night.

What to me was a total disaster was something that shocked the hell out of me - out of the 20 people in the room, 2 weren't standing on their feet applauding, and those two people were the choir directors. Nathan Prihoda told me I was "the only person to ever nail down Zack Delarocha's voice" in a cover song of Rage. WOW! Maybe I have a hobby of being a Zack Delarocha impersonator. Nah, fuck that.

Anyway, everyone was really impressed. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is we didn't make pop show for the same reason that every metal band that ever tries out for pop show doesn't make it, because choir is full of pop-nazi facists.

Something happened though around the time of March 27, 2003. It was something so disgusting and so incredible that at the time, I didn't think anything in life was better.

This one moment started the new era in TW. I'm not really sure what you would call it, but I would call it "Training for the Greatest Year of our Lives."

On March 27, 2003, a rare and freak accident happens in school: Someone shat their pants. After much realization and putting clues back together, Jared Wilson cracked the case: Derek Jones, junior class Country Club hilarity took 4 laxatives before school that faithful morning.

The biggest story of the year circulated around school while I put it on the internet for TW viewers. It was amazing. Purely amazing. Derek Jones single handedly changed every single class conversation I was in, even if I wasn't in his class! The hallways were just full of laughter from this awesome, AWESOME story.

On March 31st, I began thinking of ways to make TW better. Some things came to mind, others didn't. I tried to work as hard as I can, but sometimes, being a junior, having senioritus too many years early, and people not helping can't progress Houston's biggest website minus the Chronicle.

And in April, April of 2003, the most insane events and the most catastrophic events became the standing ground on many events that have just recently passed by. Graduation. Governor and First Lady. The Hot Babe Contest. The Masticators. Tim Stuart. The TW Banquet.

And all of this, was in the name of Allah. Fuck off. Just kidding.