Jones Shat Himself

In my sixteen and a half years living, I've never shat my pants. I think I'm blessed with that. I mean, yeah, all of us shat in our diapers, that was inevitable. We didn't know what a toliet was, we were confused who we were, and we thought poo was PlayDoh. Sixteen and a half years later, I'm just enjoying my night, and I get the most disgusting call of my life from my buddy Jared Wilson.

"Dude, you're not going to believe this, but Jones took a shit in his pants today."

I was so zoned out, I didn't really understand what was going on. I sort of looked around the room, and said, "What?" Jared was laughing so hard, he was inaudible and I thought my phone hung up on me.

The Story

Derek Jones, born a rich boy, born a golfer, and born one of the dumbest but funniest stupid people I've ever met, came to school Tuesday without using the restroom for number 2 purposes in two days. Jones is extremely smart and decided to take 4 LAXATIVES to please himself and to let go of his shit.

According to the bottle, you're only supposed to take one laxative. Jones automatically quadrupled his chance of taking a really mean dump. Jones was so dumb, he didn't realize the consequences: Shitting in our disgusting restrooms without stall doors.

Sadly, Jones never even saw the restroom. At around 9:45, Jones became officially the first AP Junior to take a crap all over himself and the Multimedia hallway, once home to Geometry teachers.

Not believeable? Lets go over the facts. Kellie Frazer, a long time TW employee, admits that when Jones left the room, an incredible stink came from outside the hallway. The teacher almost died and needed a candle to try and get rid of the scent. No one could underestimate the power of Derek Jones and his poo.

Another fact: This isn't Jones's first time to experience a pooper scooper experience for his own boxer shorts. Last year at a RSS Golf Tournament, Jones released himself, causing a biological attack at the country club, forcing the military guard and hazardous material teams to come check out the situation. Jones got away in an expensive luxury car.

Another fact: Jones ADMITS that he did something to himself, but it doesn't sound too believeable. He said he barfed all over himself. This couldn't have happen because laxatives just don't do that. They make waste come out of your butt, not your mouth. Second off, unless Jones ate a huge breakfast, destroying the hallway and making the scent that powerful would be impossible.

Another fact: Jones says he won't go against me saying he shat himself, because no one would believe him. Therefore, it's true.

Interview with Jones

I interviewed Jones about the situation. MI: Is it true you shatyour pants?
DJ: No, not yesterday, but I have before. Once at a grocery store when I was 3, and once in a golf tournament about a year ago.

MI: How does it feel ODing on laxatives? Do you feel dumb?
DJ: Yes, because I usuallyhave a fast metabolism, but I hadn't shat in like two days, so I decided to take some laxatives, but I forgot to read the dosage before taking them.

MI: Since you shat yourself, has this experience made you a heterosexual?
DJ: Actually, I have always been heterosexual, but it has made me learn that All Dogs go to Heaven, and Big Girls Don't Cry.

MI: What did the teacher think?
DJ: Well, I think my teacher got turned on when I puked, because she was like really interested in it.

MI: Would you consider wearing adult diapers?
DJ: Sure, if I was paid some money

MI: Does shitting in your pants make you horny?
DJ: No, but ir does make you really stinky

MI: Did you wipe your leg well?
DJ: After I puked on my shorts, it ran all down my leg too, and I was forced to clean it well.

MI: Do you like men?
DJ: No, I have always liked girls, and I have a great one of 4 months.

MI: Did you tell your girlfriend?
DJ: Yeah, I told her about my puking incident and she thought that I shold bring "the Shorts" to school and show everybody. LOL

MI: Are you a negro?
DJ: No, but I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner

Response from class

Question: How do you feel about knowing your classmate shat his pants?

Vicky: (laughter) I feel bad, everyone knows
Stacy: I think it's funny
Blake: Makes me feel more secure just in case I have to shit my pants
Jake: It's strange and funny. I laughed for an hour
Carly: I plead the 5th
Kelly: (LOL) Didn't think DJ was capable of that
Jordan: Haha...
Jared: I'm really looking forward to next year because this is the second year in a row he shat his pants. Further more I feel sorry for the custodian who had to clean up the "trail of shit" in the hallway. She didn't know what kind of shit she was getting into when she applied for the job.
Ian: I don't care
Summer: It's disgusting and hilarious at the same time (cannot quit laughing hysterically). It is obvious that you don't have to shti in the privacy of your own home any more, you can just do it in the hall or in a classroom at school. Toliets were so last year.
Lauren: I'm pretty grossed out about it
Byron: Funniest thing that's happened all year
Mr. Smith: No comment....We live in a free country and I think it's free to crap your pants. If it can happen to him it can happen to everybody. It's coming for you next.
Jeff: Awesome (smiles)
Vanessa: (shakes head)
Yasmeen: I think we're not safe, no one's dafe, at any moment he could erupt - we all need Pocket Lysol's for safety
Jonathan: He's a freak

Scary. Derek Jones. A Monster.

-By Matt Impelluso