What's on My Mind
THE NEW YEAR
January 5, 2004
WE'RE BACK! WE'RE BACK!!! I've made a very important decision on what I want to do with TW for the next 6 months that I'm in Baytown, Texas. There are very few of you who like the "Anti-Prep, Anti-Government, Anti-School." In July, when Season 4 started, I wrote this WOMM dedicated to what "The Warzone" believes. And well, I FUCKING HATED IT.
I've made one valid conclusion about this web-site. This isn't for information. This isn't to start a protest. This is just to laugh. There is nothing else on this fucking site to do. No one is going to start a protest on ID Badges, because 1) All of you are fucking pussies; 2) It won't go through anyway; 3) ID badges are the stupidest thing to protest since the people who protested KFC treating their animals bad. NO SHIT THEY FUCKING KILL THE ANIMALS, WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO DO, DRUG THEM BEFORE THEY KILL THEM???
So, in summary, which is going to be detailed in the next several paragraphs: TW is going to get funnier, more vulgar, more offensive, and more racial (just towards Rachel), and EVERYONE IS GOING TO LOVE IT BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE VULGARITY? PARENTS? GET THE FUCK OUT!
The TW Resolutions
These are my Resolutions and TW's resolutions as a whole. Here we go.
Ok I'm done with the most resolutions. You'll guys see the changes starting
very soon. Most of them have already started. The Column
Ok I'm done with the most resolutions. You'll guys see the changes starting very soon. Most of them have already started.
All of you know my obsession with transportation and subway trains, especially if you've seen my room. Well, on Monday of last week, I had to go all the way into Brooklyn to buy some cold-cuts and pasta for my family to bring back to Houston on Wednesday. So I go. The trip is terribly long. The subway took forever.
Coming back though was absolutely hideous. In a stretch that's supposed to be "express," the five minute route took about fourty minutes. The train came to a complete stop after the last transfer station.
Here's where I start getting pissed off. A TRAIN JUST FUCKING CUT IN FRONT OF US! I'm sitting, waiting for this to happen, and THE TRAIN JUST PASSES BY US LIKE WE'RE THE FUCKING JEW TRAIN HEADING TO AUSCHWITZ. Who the fuck do you think we are? Just some fucking animals? Just because we were on the 5 express train to 233rd Street?
So, when the train passes, a black woman across from me starts shaking her head, and then begins celebrating Kwanza. A Jewish woman next to me takes out her Talmud and begins reading scriptures on why she shouldn't karate chop the MTA chairmen in the fucking balls, and I have my fingers stuck up my ass cause I have no religious affiliation at all.
Finally, after all the time, we start moving again, and I'm on my way. Well, that was another problem. I had a 45 pound luggage bag, and going down the stairs with that is horrible considering the shitty handles it had. I wish they had an elevator. So I cussed and grumbled my way down the stairs, and finally I got to the bottom - 10 minutes later.
That also reminds me. Who is the FUCKING GENIUS who put an elevator on one side of the platform and not the other? Here's what I mean. Obviously, trains work in both directions. So, at Simpson Street, a popular station in the Bronx, workers installed a brand new elevator heading for New York City. Well...THEY DIDN'T INSTALL JACK SHIT ON THE OTHER SIDE. So, this is what's going to happen. I'm going to break my legs, go to Simpson Street, take the elevator up, go on my train, and be merry.
Then coming home, I'm going to get off at Simpson Street, go to the stairs, and be like, "Hey...where where where where the the the the the fuck (I'm retarded) is the ele-ele-ele ele- ele ele ele elevator???" And then, since I'm retarded, I FUCKING FLY DOWN THE STAIRS AND LAND ON THE JEW, THE KWANZA LADY, AND SOME OLD FUCK WHO'S CLIMBING THE STAIRS .05 MILES PER HOUR. I break my arms, and my neck is messed up. I get a concussion. The other fucks are dead.
Thank you, Mr. MTA Chairman, for killing retarded and/or handicapped people who need the elevator on BOTH sides of the platform.
And then, involving more transportation, we rode the Light Rail on Friday. We is Rachel 'Smell underneath a toliet seat and that's my fragrence' Barajas, and Ayla "I close my eyes in every picture" Casey, and Rachel's mom, who was nice enough to drive us all the way to Houston just because of my obsession with Tim (I mean) trains.
So, we get on at the Bell Station, and Elma Barrera from ABC 13 is interviewing people. I say, "Man that's cool, she should interview me about Light Rail, since I know so much about public transportation." Well, Rachel decides to make my dream come true, and she tells Elma to interview me. Well, instead of the Light Rail, she acts me the most stupidest question I'll ever be asked that ALL OF YOU KNOW I will wise-crack the answer for.
"What do you think of Houston being the 2nd fattest city in America?"
"Wait, we're not number one anymore?"
"No, Detroit is now number one"
"Man. Well, COME ON PEOPLE! WE NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK! GAIN SOME WEIGHT! WE'RE GONNA BE NUMBER ONE THIS YEAR! (puts arms in air)"
"So, what do you think of Houston being the 2nd fattest city in America?"
"I don't care I'm not fat"
"Why do you think we're the second fattest city in America?" "Nobody walks out here. This is going to make it worse (points at Light Rail) All people do in this town is walk 5 feet to their car, then 5 feet to their office, then 5 feet back to their car, then 5 feet home. Nobody walks around here. In Baytown, there are no sidewalks for people just to have a luxurious stroll. Everyone depends on cars"
After Elma embarrased me on the 4 O'clock news, which I missed, I waited to see if they'd play it again. But, I didn't see it. :(
So the doors to the train open, and it's totally packed. Rachel looks at me kind of nervously, but I walk to the train, and then walk to the door, and say the following words: "NOBODY PANIC. I'M FROM NEW YORK. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE." Everyone on the train bursts out in laughter, as I plow my way through several people.
The ride was pretty nice. It wasn't very bumpy, but it acted like a regular subway train when it takes off. It's extremely quiet. We went by the line very quickly, and I enjoyed to see that the stops were evenly spread out on the 7.5 mile line, which doesnt' sound that long, but in reality, it's a pretty good distance.
The ride coming back wasn't as good. First off, we weren't even supposed to ride that damn thing coming back. We were supposed to take a shuttle bus. So, we snuck back into the train, and we left. That was our first problem.
At McGowen station along the line, SOME FUCKING IDIOT decided it would be funny to pull the Emergency Door Handle, causing the entire train to stop, and the door to malfunction. Since no one has ever pulled the emergency handle in the existance of Houston Light Rail, the Metro people were going CRAZY. About 5 light rail trains behind us were backed up, waiting for us to move. No one could bypass stations because it is impossible to bypass stations - there are no split tracks, ANYWHERE. So, while this is going on, Ayla, me, and Rachel's mom are standing, and Greaseball Deluxe is sitting down all by herself.
We finally start moving, and the MetroRAIL crowd goes crazy. They were so excited. I wasn't. That was the longest stopped wait I've ever had to experience in my life - besides the time the conductor in New York pulled the emergency brake because he was dying and I flew into a baby carriage and the baby almost died as well. We got off at Main Street Square, which I have to say in all honesty was beautifully mastered. They need to do that to ALL streets in Downtown Houston. That'd make it great.
I hate tourists. I hate anybody who visits any place and takes about 500 pictures and doesn't amount to anything. The fuckfest crew aren't tourists, we're comedians. So, this is why I hate tourists.
ROCKEFELLER CENTER: I'm walking down to the Tree at Rockefeller Center, just you know, wasting some time, and all these fucking tourists are staring up at the tree. I look up at it, smile at it's immense beauty, and then walk off. Fifteen minutes later, I look back, and the same tourists are staring at it.
First off, it's a mother fucking christmas tree people. It's the same christmas tree you have in your own home, TIMES 50. IT'S A FUCKING TREE WITH LIGHTS. IT ISN'T A GIRL TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES. IT'S NOT CHANGING. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO MOVE AROUND THE PLAZA. CUNTS.
ICE-SKATING RINK: Even worse. There's about a crowd of a 1,000 people trying to sneak a peak of what's going on down in the ice-skating rank. Can someone PLEASE tell me what is so fascinating about a bunch of rich tourist pricks ice skating at 8:00 at night? NOTHING. NOTHING AT FUCKING ALL. IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE SHAVE THEIR FUCKING CHEST. NO ONE REALLY HAS TO WATCH IT. ACTUALLY, NO ONE SHOULD EVER WATCH SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN. These fucking pricks are standing there, not even watching the ice skaters, BUT THE ZAMBONI clean up the ice!!! Oh my Best Buy, PLEASE, PLEASE, GET A FUCKING LIFE AND GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!
TIMES SQUARE: This is the absolute worst. These fucking people are the most inconsiderate assholes I've ever met. Tourists are usually not friendly, because when they get bitched at, they don't know why. Well, in Times Square, walking one block every two minutes is probably a record. It's impossible to walk in Times Square and get through it within 3-5 minutes, like regular city blocks.
So, the day I was going to meet my friend Amanda at the Muesum of Natural History, I walked through Times Square and saw these goofs from Fox News through down some confetti for a test run for the big event. All these people just stopped and stared, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK. I stop. I wait for them to get over FUCKING PAPER FALLING FROM THE SKY. "Oh my fucking Lord, I've never seen paper before!" "Sammy, get the camcorder, THERE'S PAPER falling from the sky!" "Oh no, it's a terrorist attack!" "PAPER! WHY I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE INTERNET!" "Hi, I'm a tourist, AND MATT IMPELLUSO IS GETTING PISSED OFF AT ME BECAUSE I HAVE MY FUCKING HAND DOWN MY FUCKING ANUS WATCHING COLORED PAPER FALL FROM A 3RD STORY BUILDING!"
(All of those are fake quotes, except the lat one)
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Amanda and I walk down the stairs, and there's a 50 person line to use the Metrocard machine. Across the street, one of the biggest stations, the PATH-WTC Station, is open for use with tons of machines. The tourists don't think about this, and they block my way to the entrance.
"Excuse me, non-tourist here, get out of my way" - I say, as me and Amanda barge through some of the tourists. Then, I say, "Jesus Christ" pretty loud, and some fucking religious cunt says, "HEY! NONE OF THAT!"
Get the fuck out of my subway.
Any tourist who tells a New York to shut up when he speaks his mind is gonna get shot in the face. Not with a gun. Not with spit. Yes. You got it.
I look back evily at her and continue on my way, scratching my ass, and I watch the most beautiful thing in the world: Amanda just goes up to the turnstile, swipes her card without even thinking about it, and goes through the turnstile. I was turned on. I was so turned on. She was posing as a New Yorker with me and she just totally passed the test. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I love her with all my heart.
Since I'm whining about tourists and people who are flamers, (Kelly), I might as well express some concern for the consumer industry. I want to know who came up with the idea of "CVS Plus Cards" "Kroger Plus Cards" cause honestly, THEY SUCK A FUCKING DICK.
I'm reading the newspaper, you know, calmly and stuff, and I get to the specials at CVS. I look over. Yes! 67 cents for a 2 liter Pepsi. YES! YES! Wait...what does that fine print say? WHAT?? $1.50 WITHOUT YOUR CVS CARD?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I would just like to tell all of you right now that I think the Plus cards are the most stupidest invention a fucking store could ever think of. Why THE FUCK would you want people to SAVE MONEY on your products? To get more consumers right? So why the hell do we have to wait in a line to get a stupid fucking Plus card WHEN YOU CAN JUST PUT THE PRICES AT THE SAME LEVEL, ALL THE TIME???
That doesn't make any sense at all. Why do we have to get that fucking card? Just make it 67 cents ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS. IT'S NOT TOO HARD. YOU HAVE TO PUT TWO PRICE LABELS INSTEAD OF ONE. That's like...nah, what I was gonna say was WAY too bad. Ok, this would work: That's like taking a huge fucking shit, then getting up, washing your hands, and realizing you have to take ANOTHER shit. That's EXACTLY what it is.
I know many of you already have your collection of Plus cards. You know what I say? Fuck them. Fuck Kroger, Fuck CVS, Fuck Crystal Tenning, wait, no, PLEASE do NOT fuck her, Fuck Rachel Barajas, and most importantly, FUCK TOURISTS.
Don't like my abusive language? Fine, go fuck yourself on the Disneychannel.com
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired (Andrew J. Masterson) and it's going to stop right here. I will END the Target fuckfests if Target makes up a card like that too. I'll stick with Kroger because they're the only good food place to shop around here. I don't know how anyone can buy their groceries at Wal-Mart, an aisle away from the most disgusting pair of men's clothing you can buy for 65 cents. And then, look at the PEOPLE who shop at Wal-Mart. Fat fucks, hicks, fat fuckin hicks, Rachel, I MEAN, THE INSANITY PEOPLE. THE INSANITY. When I walk into Wal-Mart, I'm guaranteed to see a 400 pound woman wearing short shorts like she's fucking Kyla Cole on Penthouse.
In all honesty, I think anybody over 275 pounds should not be allowed into Wal-Mart, and when you think about it, that's a pretty leniant weight considering all the fat fucks who go in there.
Galveston III wasn't as planned out as we would have liked it to be, but the events that occured we're pretty hilarious.
It first starts off with Andrew J Masterson, Kelly Michelle Kincl, Kendall Thompson, Tommy McMahon, and yours truly Matt "Big Breast" Impelluso go off to Galveston. We park, and we start going toward Colonel Bubbie's on the Strand.
WORST THING EVER: It's closed.
Andrew and Kelly fall to the ground. Tommy follows right behind. I'm crying. Kendall doesn't care because she doesn't know what Colonel Bubbie's is all about. Poor girl.
We go to the most famous coffee shop in Galveston, La Kings. At La Kings, we all test to see our relationship strength. Sadly, I got lost. I'm very lame. Kelly got the highest, cause he rules. And Tommy, Kendall, and Andrew got in the middle because they're sexy.
After La Kings, we went to the Surf Store to take our remake of the first picture in Galveston I. We kept staring at the couch and these jackasses we're on it. Finally, the woman at the store caught on, and she said, "HEY! TIMES UP! GET OFF THE COUCH!" and they pouted and got off. "That was the best thing ever" I say. Me, Andrew, and Tommy sit on the couch, we get the picture taken, and everything rules. Then Kendall and Kelly took one together as the honorary guests.
Then, we all piled in the phone booth, Andrew and Kelly ran across the street being gay, and everyone re-created a Mr.Burns right in the middle of Galveston.
After that, we went to walking around The Strand to the Teddy Bear Shop and I found a pony and I was like, yes! Yes! Then, Sheridan and Amanda came, and we eat them out, but not really.
At Fuddruckers, I drank about three whole cups of Andrew's rasberry tea. It was so good. I want some right now. It was better than your mother. We then left to the beach.
At the beach, Andrew tried to clear this large hill. We got halfway onto it, and then it stopped. ANDREW'S TRUCK WAS STUCK ON A MOUND IN THE MIDDLE OF EAST BEACH!!!
Tommy, Kelly, Sheridan, Amanda, Andrew, Kendall, and I started to find things to stick under the truck to get it out. After about 20-30 minutes of digging, we got the truck in a position to where we could slide a board underneath its back right tire. We put a large board there and the wheel started moving.
With Kendall in the driver's seat, Andrew, me, Kelly, and Tommy pushed the truck to victory past the mound. TW did not go on the beach for pictures, but to get Andrew's truck out. EXCELLENT.
Galveston III was a success overall. I totally enjoyed it, and I hope you guys did too. The Horrid Affair's pictures were awesome as well. LOL.
The New TW
Like I've said before in this column, TW is going to greater heights than never before. I've decided that the way I speak in this column should be like how I speak in all of them. I mean, I'm that vulgar when I'm with my friends, but with parents, I am very polite. Unless, you know, they're eating my shit or something.
I've looked at the votes closely for what should happen to TW by the end of the year. A lot of you chose for me to just stay in Baytown my entire life, but sadly, I'm not doing that, EVER. The most chosen one though was to give TW to Tim, which I definitely agree with. But, I'm still not for sure. The other options are still very possible: TW might just shut down and not be updated ever again after July 2004, or I just might take it with me to New York. I don't know what I'd do with it though, because TW can't just become a sensation at a college campus.
I HAVE SOME CATCH PHRASES FOR TW FOR THE NEW YEAR:
More More More
Well, I have horrible news. My best friend and former TW freshman president is now a retiree of TW because of problems with her mother. We can never mention her name on this site again. Isn't that bull fucking shit? Well, I have to obey someone's wishes.
Because of this, the freshman president is up for grabs. I have someone in mind, but it would probably be disasterous to all the other employees and everybody might die. So to test out and see who this person should be, on Wednesday, TW will start the "Freshman Test," a test in which we'll give the person with the highest amount of questions right the presidency of TW. Then, the TW presidents (Me, Kelly, Tim, and Rachel) will decide whether this person is worthy enough to take position.
The Final Word
After a pretty shitty year for me, I'm hoping to change a lot of that. This is going to be the best last semester ever for us. When I leave in July, it's going to be a celebration as well as lots of sadness. It will be crazy.
So, lets start this year off right! Fuck school, fuck the government, fuck your parents if they're assholes to you or to someone else, and fuck the preppy people who should get punched in the pussy!
P.S. RACHEL BARAJAS IS THE 2003 SKANK OF THE YEAR!!!
Matt "Mr. Vulgarity" Impelluso
P.S. KELLY IS A GOOK!