WOMM - 1-15-03

And there it was, that everyone's favorite person in the world, well at least me and Tommy's, Kelly McKinkel III, has turned 17, such a magical feat for someone who jumps off bridges daily and risks his life weekly while me and Tommy are making magical chocolate milk surprise.

Ok, Kelly may not be that dangerous, but we still love him. This next section is dedicated to Kelly, and the reason why Nick and Tommy didn't have one is cause this is a Matt Impelluso New Years Resolution to all my employees to have a section in the column dedicated to them for the new year.

KinkBurger

On January 15, 1986, in Bryan, Tx, a boy was made. At first though, they thought it was girl. That's why Kelly's parents called him Kelly, but then they found out Kelly was a boy, and also found out Kelly was a uni-sex name, so he remained Kelly Michael Kincl, instead of Kelly Michelle Kincl.

The next day, Kelly said his first words: "OH FUCK!"

I definitely have to say, in my entire existance of Kelly Kink which has to go to about five years or more now, but like, high school years, he's said the phrase OH FUCK unneccessarily more than any other person in the world, cause, I know everyone in the world.

Funny moments with Kelly include:

  • At Target I, Kelly thought it'd be genius to dress up as a prep, and he looked exactly like one. Then, he got his pants ripped when we tried to copy Jackass and throw him into the bushes outlining Garth Road. Kelly also got hit with a hammer in the balls at Target, sat through a toliet seat, wore girl clothes in which Calvin, Bill, and I touched Kelly's fake breasts, Kelly's three time experience with having those huge balls as his balls, and sitting in the bike rake, EVERY YEAR, except in Target III, when Elizabeth the store manager came and kicked his fat ass.

  • Kelly has picked up Tommy's vomit, and he taken me to a conference all about web design, and he didn't complain during each time. Well, maybe he was grossed out by Tommy's vomit and waiting for me to shit.

  • Kelly can definitely say he is the first person in Baytown history to cross Target to Kroger sitting in a shopping cart, and be over the age of 10.

  • Kelly went out with two DIFFERENT Kelly/Kellie's. Although sad endings came along, that's just, AWESOME KELLY! GOD DAMN YOU SEXY GIRL!

  • Kelly is the first person in the world to say, "I'm scared of my hands" and MAKE IT FUNNY.

  • "What's the capital of Oregon anyway?" - Kelly
    "Portland, dumbass." - Tommy
    "Ah, I always wondered that..." - Kelly
    (Believe me, Tommy said it was hilarious)

    Coldsores

    They're in your mouth. They're disgusting. They're called Cankersores by "you stupid Texans." They're in MY MOUTH.

    I can't eat. I can't talk right sometimes. I can't like, enjoy a good meal. I can't drink sometimes. I can't like, touch my butt. Its so painful.

    This section really amounts to absolutely nothing, but here's the lesson of the week: Although cankersores/coldsores do blow ass, they can be used to make fat people lose weight, because, I stopped eating food because of them. I'm turning into Joseph Dickens. I weigh 20 pounds now. Not really though. Moral of the story: Get coldsores if you want to lose weight. It's painful, but it could make you the next Jared from Subway.

    Galveston Part 2 of 2

    And now Jeff and Nick with Tommy, Kelly and Lowell, jump up and down excitedly, shaking themselves off from piss running down their leg.

    I almost started writing about Decker Drive again, but I stopped, realizing I should look at my own site more often to figure out I already wrote about something. So, this is what happened. Lowell gets on and says, "Hi I'm gay but I need to go to Galveston to tell everyone about it" so Kelly, Tommy, and I think its a good idea to go to Galveston and watch Lowell claim his gay faith with the water, which I heard symbolizes gayness.

    I just want to say, never ride with Lowell, cause you never know when you might accidently die. ACCIDENTLY.

    In Galveston, we went to Colonel Bubbie's. I was so excited. It was my first time back in there. Since my new money account was low, I didn't get all but another New York Police Department Patch that says Anti-Crime. HAHAHA! AWESOME! LOL.

    Kelly bought a shirt that says "I hate slaves" but just kidding.

    We walked around to La Kings and Kelly bought a chocolate milkshake. Then, we went to the beach. Lowell parked outside of East Beach, and we went on it.

    Boys and Girls, you have never experienced Wind Chill if you haven't stood on Galveston's East Beach in the middle of January with your face facing in the wind. Your body turns numb. You sort of want to die. But, you enjoy it.

    I stood by myself for a while, recounting the memories we had on the beach with Tommy and Andrew last year. I remember drawing a TW logo in the sand, so I did it this time too. Only this time, I wrote a message: Fuck You 2002. It rhymes. Its sexy. Its wonderful. I then preceded to write "Rachel sucks my dick" right next to it, because we have to pick on Rachel, considering she's like two feet five inches.

    Tommy and Kelly tried to pick up a sign that said No Parking on Beach. Either they're actually very weak, or that sign was very very deep in the ground. I'm guessing it's option two considering Tommy could pick me up times two and throw me very far, to like, Mexico.

    We ran around the beach taking "God" pictures, where we hold our arms in the air, or we just stand next to something Godly. It was great. Then, Kelly, Tommy, and I ran to Lowell's car, started it up, and got about 50 feet before Lowell was done claiming he was a homosexual.

    Let me also add that Kelly and Lowell both stepped into the Gulf and the temperture was like, 5 degrees.

    We then went to McDonalds, where they got our order wrong several times. We had to pay for Tommy's meal, a little at least, and it was nice.

    Hooting KMart

    Does anyone know that we've never had a fuckfest in KMart? We've never even tried. More details on that later. Jeff, Nick, and I went to KMart, enjoying all the beautiful sales. Nick and I then started fencing with wrapping paper. The KMart employees looked at us and wanted to kill us, but then I just laughed back, considering their paycheck is about to end in the next month or so.

    We took several pictures. One of them included Jeff and Nick playing some fake football in the middle of the toy area.

    For those of you that don't know Nick, he can be REALLY DUMB sometimes. Now, I love Nick, and what happened was hilarious, but only Nick could make such a stupid mistake like this. He took this huge ball and threw it up in the air.

    Now, this wouldn't have been a problem, but KMart isn't like most stores. They're unique. They have ceiling fixtures, where the prices of stuff in the area is hung from the ceiling. Actually, I think Wal-Mart does that too, but nobody is talking about Wal-Mart now and giving it fame.

    So, I'm holding my camera, and there I see it. The ball colides with ceiling fixture, and down the price comes. Not the fixture, but the price. It falls straight to the floor. It was pretty heavy, cause it made a big bang. The fixture was hanging by a thread.

    It was at this point I wanted to retain a history of never being kicked out of a store because we're polite in our fuckfests, so I ran. Nick and Jeff walked fast, but I was running at first. Finally, we walked out of the store quickly, got in Jeff's 4Runner, and got the hell out of KMart.

    The festivites didn't end. We went to Chris Ford's house, got him, then went to Hooters in Clear Lake. It was there where Nick was stuffed with paper towels (so he had breasts), and had to take a horse, slap his ass, and run around Hooters saying "I love Hooters." It was quite hilarious. Actually, it was @#$% hilarious. You get to pick the bad word for that one.

    Fighting A&M and UT

    So today in History class, I told the entire history class, all listening attentively, because, well, there aren't any people to object me talking in there like last six weeks, but they aren't in there anymore because of a schedule change, which makes me throughly happy, how much I loved them.

    "I know many of you don't know this but as soon as I graduate, I'm gone. My parents are moving to like Pennslyvania, New Jersey, or New York. Somewhere up there. I begged them, the year before we started our sophomore year, to stay here, because I love all of you. You guys are great, and I couldn't leave. My brother and sister, they don't have many friends, but I do, and I couldn't leave. I cried when I heard they wanted to move. If we did, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL OVER!"

    Everyone started laughing. Then, we got into A&M vs UT, and how I just don't like A&M anymore. Allison says it right. "Yeah, if you trip on one crack at A&M, you have to trip on it everytime, its 'tradition.'" People laughed to that, and I definitely did. I also added in that I didn't want to go to stupid Fish Camp and get brainwashed with A&M propaganda.

    Mrs. May got into the conversation because she can be awesome at times, not very many cause she gives so much work, but it was definitely cool today. She was saying how A&M is totally not the right school for me. I mean, its true guys. Where was I born? Where the population density is 35,219 people per square mile, and total in the entire city of New York, 26,517 per square mile. College Station? Yes, it might be GREATER then 45,000 per square mile, but you know why? Cause College Station is like a mile wide and a mile long. It's the most rural area any school can be in.

    Mrs. May basically said, I'm a cynic, I know I am. I mean, I wasn't disagreeing. She said she left UT because it wasn't cynic enough. Imagine when she went to A&M. She must have killed herself. She said she didn't say Howdy back a couple of times and she almost died. FUCK THAT! I wouldn't go to any school where someone said Hi to me that if I didn't say Hi back in a stupid Howdy way that they'd be all pissed off.

    "When you're at A&M, you get almost pulled in to clubs and you get new friends easily. Its hard at UT to just find new friends out of no where unless you know somebody through your dorm or something." - Mrs. May.

    Well, it didn't take long for me to make friends with people, considering how outgoing I am when I moved here, so, alright.

    Mrs. May then told us a story that when she was going to her dorm at UT, there were bums in the 6th floor study hall. That is so awesome. I'd rather live an adventurous society than a safe one. I have a better chance being raped in New York than being how I really am at A&M. I'd hate myself if I went to A&M. They'd try to make me everything I'm not.

    I was telling Cass the other day that I'm somewhat conservative, and I'm so glad she convinced me I'm not. After thinking about it, I'm not at all. The only thing I like doing is traditional things once and a while that have to do with the site. But what really? Going to the beach in the first days of January? Having the second year anniversary of Target I by walking to Target on February 21? I mean that's not really traditional, its just like a rememberance. I'm not going to go to Target when I'm 84 and have a Target anniversary, although that'd be really funny, considering I'd be on Viagra.

    "Listen, I want to go to a place where I can yell a cuss word, and not be shunned." - Me.

    "Ok, see, in New York, now granted, I'm not a satanic or anything, but if I yelled, "I HATE GOD!" in the middle of a store, no one would say anything. If I yelled "I HATE GOD!" in this class, Ray would come over here and stab me."

    For those of you confused, Ray is the biggest Christian I've ever met. Both quotes above recieved Hilarious Laughter Awards from the 3rd period History Class. Peri and I started fighting about some things. It was just an overall great day in there. We need more of these huge class wars. And, of course, Cameron was yelling the whole time.

    "Does anyone know if Colorado joined the Confederacy?" Cameron blurts out, in the middle of our A&M vs UT vs NYU conversation. Of course, NYU won, cause Cameron Conder walked into class and I pointed at her NYU sweatshirt and said, "NOW THAT'S A GOOD SCHOOL! THANK YOU CAMERON FOR INTERRUPTING US!"

    Mrs. May recommends that I go to NYU. So does everyone else. I'm too damn obnoxious for a rural town because I hate rural areas, and Austin would be awesome, but I don't feel like going to Austin unless I know I'm going to take the coolest stuff ever that I can't get in New York.

    I hope I've pissed all of you damn Aggies off now. Thanks for playing. Tell me one reason why I belong at your school and I'll give you one reason why I don't - I'm not saying HOWDY to FUCKING ANYONE! Let me give you another. I'M NOT TAKING MY HAT OFF DURING A PART OF A FOOTBALL GAME AND GETTING BITCHED OUT BY SOME TRADITION! K? THANKS!

    zombie muthafka: yeah today
    zombie muthafka: around 4:30
    PsYcHo MaTt 316: ?
    zombie muthafka: my dog was upstairs with me and i was laying on my floor with my pillow undermy head cause i was tired but i didnt feel like climbing in bed so he comes in and lays next to my wi th his head on the pillow
    PsYcHo MaTt 316: LOL
    PsYcHo MaTt 316: man i wish lady was that cool
    PsYcHo MaTt 316: she'll just piss all over the place
    zombie muthafka: me too
    zombie muthafka: LOLOLOLOL
    zombie muthafka: my dog licked me to death

    Well, I'm going now. I totally contradicted today's column. Kelly was born in Bryan and I totally destroyed A&M today. I hope everyone in A&M comes to the site and wants to say Howdy to me and kill me. Today, a ton of people came up to me and said Howdy as a joke from the 3rd period class saying how absolutely insane I was getting over the entire thing.

    BTW, quick announcement. KMart is closing and HEB is moving to Randalls. More on this in another column. For now, my name is Matt Impelluso, and I was born in Brooklyn.

    -Father-