WOMM - 1-26-03

An overwhelming of you in the past week (at least 60 attempts) tried to listen to the WOMM sound, and many of you succeeded. I'm so proud. People have been giving me testamonials about how great its been. Personally, I didn't think it was that awesome, but other people just did.

"OH MY GOD THIS IS SO AWESOME, YOU HAVE JUST COMPLETELY REVITALIZED THE WARZONE" - Tommy McMahon

"God, this is the 4th time ive listened to it - its hilarious, its just.. hilarious man" - Chris Sorelle

"Oh, and Matt, I listened to your WOMM, and I loved it" - Tim Brockman

"lol! man...that was the most sexy experience ever" - Rachel Barajas

Well, enough with people praising me. Actually, its not enough. The next section is called "Walking out" and basically, its because I have extremely big balls, and none of you would probably do it, ever!

The Story

Computer Science AP is a class unlike any other - its extremely hilarious, you learn programming techniques, and you make fun of Matt Wurzbach. That sorta includes it being extremely hilarious.

This week, I warned like all of my friends that if Mrs. May, my History AP teacher, gave us more worksheets then hell, I would walk out on Tuesday in protest that we've had worksheets we can't even read or worksheets that have to be completed and your prerequisite is to have read the entire chapter, which is like 25 or more pages. And, with all the work every other teacher gives, its sorta hard to do all that.

I never walked out of History for two reasons: 1) I realized the class was getting better, but we were just getting more lazy. It'd be my fault that I'm failing the class, not Mrs. May's. 2) Mrs. May saved my ass when she found a note I wrote to Brad and it said very bad things, signed by her name. She gave me a second chance. Therefore, I love her.

On the other hand, however, Computer Science was turning from a class to where we could all laugh and have sweet sex (fun) together to a class that you didn't want to go to at all. It basically went from sex to rape in about 5 minutes.

Although I knew my problems probably won't be solved by walking out and just making some sort of a statement to her and to the school board, I had to make sure that everything that was going on would work out.

On Tuesday, we got our semester two books. These books are AT LEAST 500 pages long, and are extremely big. She told us to read the chapter. Few did, many blew it off, and put the book in the cabinet. Nick ripped out Chapter 13 from his book, and we were shocked: It was as thick as our lab manual we had for the ENTIRE SEMESTER last year!

There was absolutely no way anyone was going to tell me to read a page of that fucking material considering this: 1) If we do read it, usually the next day we go over it through slide shows; 2) The slide shows are exactly what the book is; 3) The slideshows break down 60 pages of work to about an hour of lecturing.

The only problem with this is - we weren't really taught anything. Since the slideshows were exactly what the book had, it was like we were just reading the book over again, or for the first time. What aggravated us more too, was, even if someone was talking a little in the back of the room, she'd blame all of us by yelling "CHILDREN!" instead of yelling "TIM!" or "LAUREN!" or something like that. When me and Nick talk, she doesnt' even say our names, she just stares at us like we're Satan's little helpers.

So after we get our book, the next day, we have a pop quiz. Basically, we all said Oh Fuck, and new we basically failed that son of a bitch. Ok, my fault, I should have gone over the chapter. We then went over the slide show up to a point and the bell rang, and we just got out of that.

The next day, thinking we were going to go straight to slideshows, we went straight to a mother fucking pop quiz! I couldn't fucking believe it. Most of us tried cheating and partly got one part of the quiz right, and the other, we just totally fucked it over.

I was so incredibly pissed. My head was about to explode. I wanted to punch the hell out of every Dell in the room. I hated everyone.

Walking out

That night, I told all my C++ friends that if she gave us another pop quiz, I would walk out of the class, and while doing that, I'd pull the trash can from underneath her desk, and throw away my text book and lab manual. I also was going to get a drink, walk back in, and drink it, but I decided that would be too funny. This wasn't to make people laugh, this was to make people realize - I'M SICK OF FUCKING BULLSHIT!

The next day, tension grew. I was walking around knowing exactly what to do. I wasn't going to back down. Only pussies back down from something like that. I planned to go to the principal's office and turn myself in and tell him what happened. I wasn't going throw this shit anymore.

By 4th period, many people knew my plan and how pissed off I was starting to get. By 5th period, my entire body was aching with tension and I just wanted to get it over with - are we getting a pop quiz today, or fucking not? The walk from my Music Theory class outside in the cold weather to Computer Science was powerful. I walked into class, and saw the quiz on top of Wurzbach's computer.

As the papers got passed out, everyone in my class stared at me. They were wondering if I was going to do it. The phone rang, and as soon as I got my pop quiz, I got up, and ripped it in half. Then, I put my bag on, took my hat, put it in top of my head, looked around the room as a final good bye to everyone, went up to the trash can, shoved the books inside the trash can, walked out of the room, shoved the vocational building door open, and left the fucking room.

As I walked out, I realized probably no one was going to join me. No one did. Finally, after about a minute, Tim Stuart ran out of class and said MATT! I'M COMING WITH YOU!!!

My entire life seemed to get better. I had another friend that believed our Computer Science class was more bullshit then bullshit - it was bull fucking shit.

Tim ran back to get his jacket. I was starting to get worried that he wasn't coming back. I then waited three minutes. Suddenly, I hear the yell, "MATT! I GOT TWO MORE!!" and I see Jesse LaRue run off with him. I don't see anyone else.

I shake both of their hands. It turns out Steve McRenyolds was going to join, "but he chickened out." I'll tell you why he didn't come in a minute. We walked toward the main building, and I told them the plan was to go to talk to me and Tim's assistant principal (Jesse is a sophomre). We all agreed. We walked into the office and told Mrs. Candy what happened. She was like, "Alright, just wait for him to get done, there's a situation."

Tim then asked to go to the consular to get a schedule change. We went down there and all got forms. We filled them out with pride. We then walked back upstairs. After about twenty minutes, Jesse comes back and says, "Dude, I can't get out. If I do, I would have to take the class all over again." Tim and I felt really bad, considering we already had our computer credits.

The principal saw us and we automatically were gratified that he was understanding about everything. His eyes open wide when I told him the story, which was actually what I told you guys up above. He told us the best idea was to get all three of our parents to call Mrs. Phillips and talk to her about the situation.

After we left to go see the Academic Dean, which was another awesome thing the principal said we could do - we all talked about how calling Mrs. Phillips won't work at all. She'd just lie to our parents about us "not reading" even though reading for a sort of math class won't help at all. We need to see problems being worked.

The Academic Dean was going to a meeting. She gave us a minute to explain the case, and we did. She wrote down our names, plus Mrs. Phillips name, and we won. We won. We basically all gave each other handshakes. It was the most awesome thing ever.

Walking back to the Vocational Building, we met up with friends from the class. Many said how awesome everything was. Vanessa was laughing at us. The quizzes we took all were graded on attempt, not grade. Therefore, we all probably made 90's on them. That's the reason Steve didn't come out. Here's the reason why I didn't shoot myself in the head - we still have tests. All three of us failed the Chapter 12 test in which about the entire class failed. Vanessa read the chapter the night before and failed with a 62. So did I. Vanessa is 500 times more smarter then me, btw.

A couple of people laughed at me and said I was stupid. Others though said I had the biggest balls in the world to do something like that to one of the meanest and most psycho teacher ever in the history of Sterling. Many people shook their head when I said we were probably going to get her in trouble for teaching us wrong.

Some people have been spreading rumors that Mrs. Phillips and my prinicpal were both laughing at us. That's totally untrue. If anything, Mrs. Phillips was totally pissed off, and my principal was totally understanding. You can also ask Tim and Jesse, who were with me.

I would like to thank Tim and Jesse for both coming out with me and not letting me go alone. You guys made my day a whole lot better. Computer Science under a stupid ruthless teacher will no longer live on - we need a new one. Hopefully we get a new one, or we at least fix the problems she has.

I would also like to say that I'm now calling the vocational building after myself: The Matt Impelluso Vocational Building of Warzastan. I think that's a good enough reward for starting a computer science revolution. I guess I wanted to add Warzastan because to me - its like I conquered the entire building and spread Warzastan (my neighborhood plus our new neighborhood and the entire Honda Hills forest) to that one certain part of school. Warzastan stands for the "Land of War" or most commonly to all of you, the land of TW.

TAKS

Can anyone tell me why the juniors and seniors are taking these stupid ass TAKS tests? The worst part is now, we're all going to fail or something if they are really test grades. These tests are horrible. Their questions are so insanely stupid and long, there's no way you can't mess up. Its like, impossible to make a perfect score on it because something WILL trick you.

In the paper today, there's a bunch of parents wanting to kill the entire Texas school system for administring this test for next year. I agree. If I was a parent and I had a dumb kid like Kelly Kincl or something, I'd want to kill the government too for making Kelly take such a hard test. I mean, I know Kelly can add 2+2, but the quadratic formula, distance formula, midpoint formula, all that shit, on a math exam? WTF? Most of the juniors of next year are going to be in Algebra, not Pre-Cal. They learn most of those things that get in their system in those classes.

Well, see, I'm not complaining too much. I'm just sort of defending the class of 2005 for taking such a hard test. Actually, you know what? Fuck you, class of 2005, because you're the stupid assholes we're taking the test for. Nevermind. No more defense for you. I hope you all fail. Stupid asses.

The Speech

(Here is text from the speech I made on camera in Warzastan a couple of days ago. This speech with my voice will be available on download very soon.)

"This is Honda Hills - where me, Bill, and Calvin used to walk on, every day. These hills are a symbol of Warzastan, and everything TW has once stood for, having absolute fun. I can definitely say, that is has..umm..changed. Honda Hills has turned into a 'bustling' community, with people moving in monthly.

"The Euphrates River (the ditch that runs parallel to Main Street and makes the boundary between houses and two huge lots on the entrance to my neighborhood) however has not changed, as you can see it right there, but of course, the wonderful storage facility (unseen on Main Street, its sorta hidden), across the river, is also unchanged.

"The Sheridan Expressway although growing from trees and roots is still the same expressway we once ran on, although, its just not 'trimmed.' (The Sheridan Expressway is the name for the path that takes you to Orgasmo Square inside Honda Hills, where many fires have been known to happen. The Sheridan Expressway is also a real live expressway, founded in Bronx, NY. You can visit the Sheridan Expressway site by clicking here: NYCroads.com
) The water pipe that Adrian, Bill, and Calvin went across is there, were all crossed at least six or seven times. Now, to the left of me, are houses, a symbol of absolute bullshit of what Warzastan once was. And here is a huge crater, which once stood many many trees, are now cut down, and once had roads when the first Mr. Intel came out and took pictures, it was insane, it was awesome, and I miss it dearly.

"As I walk away with my two new best friends, not Bill and Calvin, one has to wonder - things have FUCKING CHANGED!!! Is it for the good or is it for the better? All I fucking know is, I hate EVERYONE right now, including myself, and I hate the fucking people that decided Honda Hills has to turn into this. Honda Hills.

"[One most love]...Because of the current situations right now..the spirit of TW has been gaining. I love each and everyone of the viewers, and I hope that one day we can all come out here and celebrate, if its not torn down. A future Baker Road extension can be made and might destroy Honda Hills, and make it accessible to anyone in Baytown, and a road that will destroy its entire spirit.

"I want to say that, everything has fucking changed..shit I already said that. Once upon a time, everyone was friends, everyone loved each other, and an incredible era of where TW was slumping because everyone loved one another and everyone wanted to do things - now, its absolutely totally different. There are cliques of two and three best friends. Not a huge group of people. It would be 2-3 cliques of best friends joining. [I forgot to call Allison, shit.]

"On this last note, things have fucking changed, look at all these fucking houses Warzastan, you will be in my heart forever. A-fucking-men."

Final Note

I would like to add that the megazord idea was originally brought up by Tommy. He didn't suggest the idea, but he brought up the Megazord and I found it, making it into the hearts of many of you.

Second off, I would like to say, if I told you that I hate Baytown, I'm not influencing you one bit on whether you should like Baytown or not. This is my column. I can say whatever I want. If you decide to hate Baytown, fine. If you decide to love it, I'll just call you a fucking moron and I'll go on with my business.

Third off, my apologies to Lowell, because I called him gay about 500 times in the second to last WOMM I wrote. Lowell, after today, I can say that fuckfests with you need to happen more. I appreciate your driving, and your hilariousness today. Finally, Lowell, you're stil gay.

Fourth off, once again, thank you Jesse and Tim. Thank you all for visiting. My name is Matt Impelluso, I was born at Brooklyn Memorial Hospital, lived in New York for eight years, and know more about the subway system of New York then any other New Yorker that rides it daily to work. Thanks.

-Father-

P.S. Rachel's a dirty whore.