So this is the story. Last week, Jared (Wilson) decided it would be funny to get me and him on the ballot for Governor and First Lady. For those of you confused, don't go to Sterling, or are just plain fucking idiots, Governor and First Lady is this event you have every year. The seniors are the only ones crowned Governor and First Lady, and you have this nice ceremony in March in front of the student body (well whoever wants to come at 6:30 Monday night). The winners have to wear a tuxedo or formal dress. Then, someone speaks about you and your accomplishments. I'm going to make some up, for example, losing my virginity in a grassy field with Kyla Cole. The juniors have six representatives (three boys - three girls), the sophomores have four (two boys - two girls) and the fishy sticks have one each. The seniors have six each.
Back on track. Well, Jared and I had to get three people to nominate each other. Laura Hechler, Jared Flynn, and I nominated Jared. Laura and Jared nominated me. Sadly, Jared Wilson said that he didn't make it to the booth in time, and I wasn't nominated. This didn't really make me sad. I mean, it was a damn joke anyway.
Well, strangely, on Wednesday, February 5, the day in which my two favorite numbers intersect (2 and 5). Last February 5, I was still mourning and all, and I just listened to music ALL class period long in every class. This year, its not quite the same. I was just sitting in my seat at lunch as usual when Allison Page (Gangs of New York Sister) tells me I'm on the fucking ballot! I couldn't believe it. I didn't think anyone else nominated me.
This went from a joke to actually something I'd like to win because, hell, I like winning, and all of you fucking know that very well. I got Laura and Jared to vote me, along with Omeed, and several other bystanders. I went into Mrs. Stanley's 5th period class and did a short campaign. Mrs. Stanley got my vote and so did most of the class. Matt Impelluso for Guvnuh.
When I got to 6th period, Ashley Dickerson, someone who I've talked to, um, never, yelled in Theatre: "Matt, I voted for you!" Matt Impelluso for Guvnuh.
Kendhal Beal, Peri Arthur, Allison Page, Aly Santana, Sarah Guest, and so many other girls decided the last minute campaign of Matt Impelluso for Guvnuh was so hilarious - they voted as well.
The day ended. People were shocked that I was on the ballot. People thought I had no chance. It was Matt Impelluso verse like 10 preps - and make that what they call "popular." When I looked at the list and I saw "Matthew Impelluso" on it, I just started laughing. A school election? Matt Impelluso? Look at the top of TW and see what's wrong with this picture.
As Anti-Prep and Government I am, I decided to point at the names and say, "Hey! I'm running against all these preps!" This girl stared at me till she pierced a lazer through my forehead. Matt Impelluso for Guvnuh.
So I go home, tell people I was on the ballot, laugh it off, and I assumed I was going to wait like a week to find out the results, considering everyone down South messes up on votes anyway, especially Florida. That's not a joke, because everyone has used it about 600 times already. I tell my Mom about this, and she laughed.
I am Guvnuh
Third Period the next day: It seemed weird that the teacher that has made me so mad over the last couple of weeks of the excess amount of work. But, I still like Mrs. May as a person, a whole lot, but as a teacher, ew. I just want to die. But, then again she did say AP American History was the toughest and most challenging.
After doing our test corrections, Mrs. May says she has an announcement. Of course, I didn't pay any attention because I never do. Then that's when she said it.
"Matt, you made Governor and First Lady. Congratulations."
I think everyone else was more excited for me then I was. Everyone was shocked. It was as if New York declared Texas a cool place to live. No, that'd never happen, sorry. Matt Impelluso IS Guvnuh.
On the board about thirty minutes before, I wrote "I just passed my History test, what is wrong with me?" I then put a line through "passed my History test" and over it put "made Junior Governor" and put a huge red line pointing to By: Matt Impelluso, Junior Communist Governor.
My history class was the only one who officially knew. The announcements would prove that different. In the hallway, I told as many people as I could about my win. People who didn't know me heard me yell and cries about becoming the first ever Brooklynite on the Governor court.
I went up to Mr. Smith and tormented him. He thought I had no chance of winning. Well, I proved him wrong. He kept saying I didn't make Governor but that I was just a representative, but I don't care. In my heart, I am Governor, and no one is going to prove me otherwise.
When I told Jared I won, he fell on the floor laughing. He even did some weird move and turned over. It was extradoinaryly hilarious. Is that even a word? Well, it is now, considering I'm Guvnuh.
The announcements came on, and my name was right after Josh Andrews and Kevin Woods, the two other guys who made the list with me. Blair Conder, Sarah Guest, and Shelby Swint, all three girls who have made either the final round or semi-final round of the 2001 or 2002 Hot Girl Contest (Sarah won it 2001 and in 2002 Blair and Shelby tied for second)
I walked the halls proudly. This was an accomplishment for all the bangers, punks who aren't posers (quite few left), ravers, anti-preps, the regulars, and anyone who just hates having the same people win every year - Matt Impelluso is in the house. Governor.
Tons of people congratulated me. Several stared at me, mostly some friends I hate and don't talk to anymore, probably calling me a hypocrite for everything I stand for. This isn't a personal thing. This is a comedic thing. I know I could win a popularity contest running against boys because there seriously is no competition. When you have 9 jocks and preps on that list that are all best friends, you can't just vote for one person, so you vote for all of them and you get the votes spread apart. But, when some Liberal Democrat from New York that people talk to even a little and know he's hilarious (sorry to be so conceided, but some people think that about me even though I'm dumber then like shit) is on the ballot, they'll vote for him, instead of the usual.
I proved my point winning, and this shouldn't be the last campaign I try to run against. Many people didn't know I was on the ballots. If I have another destiny to approach, I should try and fight it as well. I will not only however be hilarious in costume at this event, I have to dance with one of the three hottest girls in the school. Its over.
I would like to thank all of my voters in my first election to office. I would like to also thank everyone that congratulated me. It means a lot to me to see that many of you care. Thanks again, and thanks Mrs. Stanley for letting me run a campaign during your 5th period class.
The Governor has spoken.
Skipping modes from being the chosen leader of the world to now going back to why school sucks anyway, I would just like to tell all of you that I realized something today. We are filling out schedules to be Seniors. We will be the leaders next year. Its so hard filling out schedules too. You don't want to have the hard classes and you don't want to do any work when you're a senior.
Therefore, I asked Mrs. Stanley if for one period I could be her Office Aide, and she started laughing:
"Hahahaha, who would be aiding who...." Such a beautiful quote, It shall go in the TW quote of fame. The funniest quote however in the TW quote of fame probably is "FATNESS = DISCOURAGED" or "RACHELBARAJASISAMOTHERFUCKER." Actually, its probably the first one.
[Just in case you haven't noticed, every column, I'm set to put Rachel down in the most funniest and fashionable ways. A month ago, she said I could make fun of her the entire column and she'd still read it and laugh hard.]
In this rare occurance, I'll tell you what classes I plan to take, so you can take the same amount of classes as me so we can all be in love and in the same classes next year. Here they fucking are:
English IV AP, Statistics AP, (EVERYONE IN ALGEBRA II FOR YOUR JUNIOR YEAR DON'T TAKE PRE-CAL CAUSE IT SUCKS BIG TIME SORRY MR.SMITH BUT IT DOES!!!) Yearbook, Office Aide with Mrs. Stanley, APGovernment and APMicroeconomics (MICRO IS BETTER!), and probably Cisco which is two periods at Lee. If I don't like Cisco, I'm dropping it and taking nothing and going home at like 12:30 or something to touch my butt.
As of right now, I have no intentions of joining the band program again, because 1) I don't think I'll be accepted back; 2) I don't think I want to be in band again; 3) I love doing nothing and working on shit.
For those of you unaware, actually, almost all of you cause I haven't told many people about this - the huge RSS Band sign that covered my entire wall is now down and on my shelf. I exchanged it with Gangs of New York posters, a series of Cameron Diaz, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Leonardo DiCaprio all in a row. Next to that is the poster of "The Kramer" from Seinfeld, probably one of the funniest men alive.
The RSS Band sign that has my name on it is in my backyard, getting a good shower as of right now, because its raining here in The North Communist Republic of Baytown.
That's basically what my schedule is going to be. I'm currently looking for a University in New York which majors Urban Planner (Civil Engineer) because I love planning cities and making roads, and I love the subway to death, so that should put me where I love. BTW, don't even dare bring up computers for my life span, cause I hate them.
Amanda talking about why Mrs. May needs a $50 gift certificate for her baby: "And why does she need a gift certificate, she has everything she needs!!!"
"Congratulations to Ellen Sloan for scoring a 138 at her first golf tournament!" - Announcements. The Pre-Cal class blows up laughing and Jones says, "Dude, that's almost double par!" (For those of you that don't know, 72 is hitting par at a golf tournament which basically means you played a perfect game with no errors leading to more points)
"Duke and King lampooned plays." - Logan's English quote he had to write on the board. (EXACT FORMAT)
"DUDE! THIS IS WEIRD!" says Jared, touching a bump on the back of his head. "HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT?" says Matt. "I DON'T KNOW!! I THINK I'M DYING!" - Jared. BTW, Jared is dead now because it's a tumor. Sorry Jared. Love ya girl, I'll miss ya. (j/k)
"EW JARED FARTED!" - I yell in Pre-Cal
"Dude, Blake's fart smells like a dirty diaper" - Jones
"Jared be quiet" - Mr. Smith
"Can you repeat that?" - Lauren asking for a Pre-Cal answer
"Jared be quiet" - Mr. Smith
"Mr. Smith, did you just let out some gasses?" - Matt
"No Matt but I assure you if I did I'd let it out back there (points where I'm sitting)" - Mr. Smith
"Dude, is that a pair of underwear?" I asked LaRue as we see a pair of briefs lying on the floor near the Girls Gym entrance.
"Why can't you say shit in school but you can say poo-poo? SHIT'S THE SAME THING!" - Ms. Strubbe, to the WHOLE CLASS.
"Matt, I'm so honored that you've taken me as a friend considering you're Guvnuh" - Allison.
"Dude, wear a hot pink tux" - Tommy
"Dude, at the presentation, if you're dancing with Blair, at the end, just stoop down and kiss her chest" - Jeremy.
"See I don't know what to put for accomplishments" - Matt
"Make something up!" - Jeremy
"Like the Matt Wurzbach Award for giving Blowjobs?" - Matt
"Exactly." - Jeremy.
That concludes this long quote section. Thanks again to everyone that voted and that has visited. Oh, and, some guy from Northwestern or something has been visiting. Thanks for coming as well. lol.
P.S. Rachel's the Guvnuh's Bitch.