February 10, 2004
This column is strictly going to be funny. I'm going to pretend I can change things in the school, and you're all going to laugh and think about how cool it would be if I could actually do that. My name is Gov. Matt Impelluso.
Alright, all of you are wondering - yes! IT'S ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OFFICIAL. March 2nd, we will have the first ever TW Hot Dude Contest. Here's what we have so far:
I already have my freshmen judges, and my sophomore judges are on the way. My junior judges are still up in the air, and I think we're pretty close into nailing all the senior judges by the end of this week.
This contest is going to be the exact same as the Hot Babe, except in the following:
The second thing is the Target V idea. We don't know what we're doing so far, but pretty soon they will probably be a poll on the site recommending ideas to us. If you have an idea, you can put it on the newsboard.
The third thing is the TW Constitution I'm going to write very soon. It's going to be very sexy. Very sexy.
Why I hate....
This weekend, I found out I hate many things, and I'm going to list them in order of how much I hate them:
1) Joe's Crab Shack - Bad food, horrible prices, horrible atmosphere (even though everybody seems to have a GREAT time minus me), and I absolutely fucking hate the idea it's always packed because all these pricks like it so much. So, because we didn't want to wait an hour and a half, I decided we should all sit out on the deck in 50 degree weather. That was a HORRIBLE idea.
2) Dominos Cheesy Dots - after convincing all my friends Friday night that this looked awesome - it sucked. Badly. It was fucking disgusting. Either that, or we didn't luck out and we got a bad fucking leftover. The regular Dominos Dots kick my penis - cheesy dots can suck a dick. Mine, preferably.
3) Memorizing anything for school - why? WHY THE FUCK? Thank you for failing me, Shakespeare, you fucking English prick. No one cares about Macbeth, nobody cares about Hamlet, nobody cares about Julius Caesar, and nobody, ABSOLUTELY NOBODY cares about Romeo and Fuckilet.
4) Rachel Barajas - JEEEEZ!
5) The boyfriend of one of Sheridan's friends - this fucking prick doesn't do anything all night. He just sits at the end of the table with his girlfriend, his girlfriend's friend, and his girlfriend's other friend (Sheridan), and then 17 extremely obnoxious Baytownian people (minus Jeremy Garrett, who hates going out to eat with anyone. I can understand, because if my best friend started barking in the middle of dinner, I'd feel embarrassed and ashamed to have them as a friend myself). So he just sits there, doesn't introduce himself to anybody, and has a mad face on all night. Chill the fuck out. If you knew you weren't going to have a good time, you should have stayed home and drank a fucking glass of apple juice. Fuck that, drink some prune juice and go shit out the stuff that's clogging your asshole. Fucking Clear Lake people, I hate them.
6) Brian Clay, for making me go to rehearsal tomorrow for Theatre. QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB!
7) Anybody who is too damn lazy to write out "From Autumn to Ashes" and writes FATA, or when Rob Currie said DEP and meant Dillinger Escape Plan - BELIEVE ME I WANTED TO FUCKING KILL HIM. The only abbreviation for a band anyone can possibly use is ETID - Every Time I Die. BTW RHCP, yeah, gay abbreviation, gay band, GAY GENRE.
8) God damn I fucking hate that guy from Clear Lake.
9) Tommy for saying this: ReLBadboy18: thanks sweet dick!
10) This extremely unsocial fat white girl with long hair that Trey decided to bring on Saturday to Joe's and Jeremy's house. Actually, I heard she tagged along. Anyway, Trey did something "bad" and she starts freaking out like he did a line of coke off her dead mother's fucking chest. (Thanks to Jeremy for the inspiration). So anyway, she's crying, then Trey gets up and dickslaps her WHILE THE CAR IS IN MOTION and she stops crying because she's too busy whiping..wait nevermind, where the fuck is this story going? That girl was a fucking bitch, and any girl who decides to pout on Jeremy's couch needs a swift kick in the mother fucking pussy!
11) Jonathan Yoo for having the sleeping tolerance of a 2 day old baby. But, we have to love him, unconditionally.
12) Sushi. Any kind of fucking sushi. Who in the fucking right mind will eat something raw? Asians? Fucking STUPID people.
13) The fact that Friday is National Mir Day and I can't celebrate it because I have to do chicken fry from 6:00 in the morning to 6:00 in the evening. FUCK!
14) Kazaa Lite. It's now time for a new revolution, just like Kazaa was back in the day. It was Napster to Audiogalaxy to Morpheus to Kazaa, and Kazaa to Kazaa Lite. Welcoming Soulseek, a program that has showed me it's better than Kazaa. I tried to download the same amount of Botch songs from Kazaa and Soulseek. In one night, I got three different albums from Soulseek. In one night, I got not one song from Kazaa. Fuck you Kazaa, Fuck the RIAA, and GOD DAMN I'm saying fuck a lot today!
15) Fans of AFI. If you're a fan of AFI, apologize to me, NOW.
A list of changes
The high school name will change from Ross S. Sterling High School to Rachel E Barajas High School. Does anyone know who Ross S. Sterling is? I sadly do. He invented Exxon. That's a pretty large feat, but Rachel Barajas can sadly quief louder than any woman in history. That deserves a high school.
The East Annex will be called the "Matt J. Impelluso East Annex" in dedication for me.
The Main Building will be called the "Bradley W. Wilson School of Intelligance." The portable buildings will be called "William R. Brooks Wing for the Sexually Impaired" meaning all the retards.
The baseball field will be called "Logan W. Boatright Baseball Field"; The tennis courts will be called Burnham Arena; The main basketball gym will be called "Patrick McAullife is Sexy" Gym, and the Theatre room and Auditorium will be dedicated to "Trent Coots and the Magic Rabbit."
The cafeteria will be called the "Jeremy Garrett Eathouse" and the band hall will be called "Jeffrey's BangBus." LOLOL, I don't know why, but that sounds hilarious. The Star Room will be called "Angela Shelton's Demise" and the Orchestra Room will be called "Heil Brockman." The Green Room will be called the Tony Roberts Room, and the stage in the auditorium is legally owned to Brian Clay.
Dottie Reid will be open up a hotel in the second floor gym, housing anyone would like to pay 5 bucks to sleep all day. Dottie sleeps all day, for free, and Steve sits around watching everybody on a couch, breaking stuff. The Hotel is called "The Terry Ballroom."
The front office will have free pony rides around the school, and the consuelor's office will have lions, tigers, and bears. In Mrs. Pickens chair, we'll have an elephant. Maybe then we'll get some work done.
The principal's office will turn into a brothel for seniors 18 and up.
Although this sounds like a necesity more than a luxury, ALL BOYS STALLS WILL HAVE STALL DOORS. FUCKING PRICK SCHOOL DISTRICT, HOW CAN WE NOT HAVE STALL DOORS? FUCKING ASSHOLES, WOMEN DON'T SHIT ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN MEN, WHY DO THEY GET DOORS?
In the middle of the commons, a big glass wall will surround the Sterling emblem, and my desk will be right in the middle, with WiFi internet access, a plasma TV nailed to one of the walls, a cappuchino coffee maker, and a very hot secretary, who shares the same seat with me.
The first day as governor, all rent-a-cops will be fired, and all ID badges will be sent away.
The first day as governor, a senior conseulor will be fired. Not sure which one though....
The first day as governor, I will lower chicken basket prices to 3.00. Fuck 3.50. Fuck that. Fuck that.
A Funny Goodbye
(Jeremy's in the bathroom)
"Hey Jeremy, are you pissing in the sink?" - Matt
"YEAH!" - Jeremy
"Dude, you know what's really good when you're @#$%? Diet Vanilla
Coke." - Matt
"Nah dude, you know what's really good when you're @#$%? Alkaline Trio" - Jeremy
"That was grand" - Tony Roberts
HAVE A GOOD DAY! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES! AND IF YOU SEE A CLEAR LAKE PERSON BEING UNHAPPY, KICK THEM IN THE FUCKING BALLS AND STAND PROUD TO YOUR BAYTOWN HERITAGE!
-Governor Matt J. Impelluso
Fuck: 33 times
Governor: 6 times
Rachel: 3 times
AFI: 2 times
Shit: 2 times
Ass: 2 times
Bitch: 1 time