This column is going to be dedicated to several people: First off, its probably not you, so don't look for your name. I'm dedicating an entire section to Cameron Kolaja because he's one of the funniest people alive, to Nick and Jeff, because they deserve better, and to anyone who's been sick lately, because almost EVERYONE has come down with something since last week.
Its almost a week away! Target IV, on February 21st. I'm not even sure if its going to happen. But, if not, the fuckfest (50 picture plus event that involves four people) anniversary is next friday, and these are the many reasons why I don't know if its going to happen:
Here's some more sexy news: Target now allows nudists to enter the store. Just kidding, Kelly.
Besides all of that going on, Target IV still might go on, and we will still have this huge thing on TW for Target and the fuckfest becoming two years old.
Several columns ago, I wrote a "heartwarming" supplement on why Baytown should always be in our hearts and how we all met. Well, its time to talk about how to revive Baytown, which I found out, is the third largest suburb of Houston, the fourth largest city in the United States. So, doesn't that sort of make us like, the twelth biggest city in the US? Nah, I'm dumb. Sorry.
Ok, here's plan number one. Haven't all of you realized there is only one way to 146 from like Baker? Ok, if you live like in Pinehurst or Country Meadows - you all go down Massey Tompkins or you go to I-10 and touch butt over there. Ok, here's the plan. Take Cedar Bayou Lynchburg - or whatever that long ass road is parallel to Archer. Make it four lanes instead of two. Then, where it ends, make Cedar Bayou suddenly become this huge highway over Cedar Bayou and create a viaduct (its like a bridge but not really because its over land but in this case its half over land half over water) and connect it with 146. HOW SEXY WOULD THIS BE? HOLY SHIT! SEXY!
Ok, next plan. Has anyone ever realized how fucking shitty our mall is? Well, here's the idea. Take the huge parking lot right next to it that no one uses, and start building a state of the art facility. Now, Baytown needs this, considering we make everyone's gas. This facility needs to include the following: A lingerie store with models walking around it all the time, a South Park store, the biggest food court ever known to man, and a moveable walkway for lazy ass people like myself. When the mall is done, you tear down the old one, and you dedicate to the mall in any name I wish since I thought of it, right? Right. Ok, how bout....Jeffsafag, or....Rachelisgay, or....man, I don't know. I'm trying to think of clever names, but none work for Baytown. I think it should keep the same name, but it needs to have a minature monument in the middle, or BRING BACK THE WATERFALL! Yeah...
Next plan: Go into Old Baytown with bulldozers, bulldoze anything that is abandoned and shitty, and put state of the art apartment buildings that are cheap so tons of people from Mexico can come migrate and then we can kick Pasadena's ass and be the largest city in Houston.
Further plan: Talk Best Buy or Frys into building the largest Best Buy or Frys in the United States on I-10 right next to the UPS place. Tear down the fucking golf range, no one uses that anyway. With that there, we can all buy electronics, in Baytown. Why should Best Buy come here? There's not a Best Buy on I-10, at all. They are all over the place EXCEPT on I-10. Damn whores.
Oh, has anyone been reading the fucking Baytown Sun? Well, you should. Here's the deal: Mrs. Sultis, the stupidest piece of...hmmm, ok, I'm going to be nice. Mrs. Sultis, the most wonderful superintendent Goose Creek has ever had, who has A FUCKING STADIUM NEXT TO LEE NAMED AFTER HER I MIGHT ADD WHEN SHE HASN'T DONE SHIT TO THIS SCHOOL DISTRICT, has decided, Lee needs to be the Upperclassman Campus and Sterling needs to be the Underclassman campus. This is what I want to know: Ray Moore lives on the line between Sterling and Crosby High Schools. Tell me, why would Ray want to travel all the way to fucking Mexico aka Lee because that's how far away it is, to go to school? NO CLUE. NO CLUE.
What I also want to know is, with an Eleventh and Tweleth Grade campus - doesn't that make us like 4A, and suddenly turn us into the most powerful football team in the history of the nation? Actually, not really. It would be Lee football with FEW Sterling backups. I think this is so fucking stupid. Well, we're not going to be here...well, Rachel is, and probably those damn sophomores. Hahaha. Personally, I think they should tear down Lee and Sterling and make everyone learn like back in the olden days. Whatever happened to that, ya know?
Plan Whatever: Whenever Decker Drive finishes to become a connection between 146 and I-10, I suggest we take down the sign with an African American posing saying she has AIDS. I mean, doesn't it say like black people gets AIDS more or something? Hmmm, stupid racist bastards, white people gets AIDS too. Not that anyone's proud of that....considering Sterling is number 3 in the United States with STD's and shit. Which begs the question - who the fuck is it that has these diseases? Slap in the face to people at our school that have STD's.
Well, I've covered Cedar Bayou, the mall, Old Baytown, Decker, the schools, Best Buy, what the hell else do we need? Uhhh, I don't know. Oh, yeah, light rail system, but that's never going to happen. For your information, Rachel is gay.
In dedication to Cameron on how funny he is, the following are three funny quotes that he said, and I'm going to basically elaborate on why they are funny and if you don't think they're funny, you should be shot in the face with a Nerf gun.
SPEAKING OF GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE, HAS ANYONE HEARD ABOUT THAT GIRL WHO BROUGHT LIKE, AMMO TO SCHOOL, AND SHE GOT PEPPER SPRAYED BY THE FUCKING COP? SHE BROUGHT AMMO! AMMO!!! WHAT WAS SHE GONNA DO? THROW A BULLET AT ME? "HOLY SHIT A BULLET HIT ME AND IT WASN'T IN A GUN I'M DYING PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME I'M BLEEDING OUT MY FUCKING ASS!!!!" JESUS CHRIST! GET A DAMN LIFE! YOU SHOULD BE SHOT WITH NOT A NERF GUN, BUT A GUN THAT SHOOTS OUT DEADLY TOXINS!
The first quote is actually not Cameron's, it's Billy Brooks, another very funny character. Mrs. May was gone talking to some Pre-AP History kids. While she was, Mrs. Smith told the class to do something. All of a sudden, Billy busts out with, "Man, that woman makes me wanna shave my chest." WTF? LOLOLOLOL. OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU BILLY I LOVE YOU!!
The next quote is Cameron's. Mrs. May was gone again and the phone rings. Cameron races to it and answers. "Hello? Yes. She's not here right now, she's talking to the History classes about signing up for History next year. Sure, I'll tell her." IT TURNS CAMERON WAS TALKING TO HER MOM! So, I tell Cameron, "Dude, won't it be cool if she compliments your great phone skills to Mrs. May?" And Cameron says, "Yeah, she has a crush on me." ROFLMFAO!!! OH GOD!! I'M DYING! SAVE ME!!
In another classic Cameron Kolaja moment, Cameron decides to start clapping NON-STOP FOR ABOUT THIRTY ENTIRE SECONDS TO GET MRS.MAY'S ATTENTION. ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT A QUOTE, IT WAS SO MOTHER FUCKING HILARIOUS THAT I LITTERALY FELL ON THE FLOOR GRABBING MY DESK, HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING SO INCREDIBLY HARD.
Cameron's next quote is actually a lyric. He suddenly busts out with, in a singing tone, "What a horrible school district....!" and that was funny, but not as funny as those before and the following.
We were talking about what I could say if I had to give a speech for Governor and First Lady. One of them was "I would like to thank Swingline Staplers for creating a stapler!" and the plan was for me to run off stage screaming wildly and going crazy about how cool the stapler is and give someone in the audience a high-five, then run back on stage, and continue my dedication speech. LOLOL. The next thing though was the quote I wanted to mention. "I would like to thank Oklahoma for making our state look so much better in comparison." ROFLMFAO! ROFLMFAO!!! OH MY GOD! Man, I hate people from Oklahoma. Isn't everyone from Oklahoma a damn indian anyway? Stupid indians.
That's my Cameron section. We love you girl.
Ok, we're going to talk about why Pet Peeves are STUPID AND FULL OF TOTAL SHIT.
1) - All of you that bitch at me for not having a back button to the main page - WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST PRESS THE DAMN BACK BUTTON ON YOUR BROWSER. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS INVENTED FOR. I CREATED TW BACK IN 2000 WHEN I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT GOOD NAVIGATION. If you take Webmastering, you're stupid for listening to the teacher because she's totally wrong about that Navigation thing. People aren't going to fucking hate you for not putting a back button. I mean, you can't put a back button on a picture, not unless you put the picture on the page! But, think about it. TW has so many pictures, that if I did that, I'd still be working on 2001's pictures, and we're in 2003. Speaking of that, Mr. HP II has almost hit 3000 pictures since June!
2) - If one of your pet peeves is people who cuss toO much, get the fuck over yourself.
Ok, I'm not really sure what else pisses me off, but now I'm going to talk about things that PISS ME OFF.
1) - The other day, I saw a girl wearing a Brooklyn 718 shirt. OH PLEASE. LIKE SHE'S ACTUALLY BEEN TO BROOKLYN. SHE HAS A NICE CAR, SHE HAS HER LIFE PAID FOR, AND SHE HAS A PRETTY SPRINT CELLPHONE STUCK UP HER BUTT. Next time you see this girl wearing a Brooklyn 718 shirt, slap her in the face, and tell her that it was from me. Actually, give her my name and address, so she can get some huge football player to kick my ass. GREAT!
2) - People that go on field trips all the time because they're "Special" and they're in a bunch of clubs. Well, you know what I say? @#$% you. STICK ANY BAD WORD IN THERE. Wow, wouldn't it be funny if someone said PISS YOU out of no where? I'd laugh.
3) - The words piss, damn, hell, pussy, cunt, dick, and cock aren't bad words. All of them have a good meaning. "I took a piss." Good. I'm glad. "Damn you." Alright! Great! "I have a PUSSY cat." AWESOME. "I have a pussy." EVEN BETTER! "I have a cunt." Awesome, what color? "My name is Dick!" [Laughs uncontrollably, then kicks Dick in the balls] "I have a cock, and his name is Dick!" [Laughs uncontrollably, kills the cock, then kicks the guy in the balls for naming his cock Dick]. See? All good definitions.
4) - The words shit and crap mean the same thing, so just say shit instead. I mean, ok, what sounds more serious? "Oh man, I gotta take a crap..." or "HOLY GOD I GOTTA SHIT MY ASSHOLE OUT!" The second one does! If someone said that and you were in a car, I'd be hauling ass to get them to a freakin toliet!
5) - MIT is WAY MORE popular then aTm. I want someone to tell me right now that they have never heard of MIT before aTm. If you haven't, I suggest you go to A&M in a rural city so you can rot and die.
Ok, I'm done. I don't think I used so many bad words in my WOMM before. I throughly enjoyed writing it though. All the bad words are dedicated to the Deaf Children's Society of America, because they can't hear how funny they sound. The word "cunt" is dedicated to Rachel especially, because she doesn't have one.
It was nice talking to all of you. I'm Governor, btw. March 3, 2003....holy shit. 3-3-03. Whoa. Cool. I get inagurated. For all of you that want to know, these are how many times I cussed (according to the Christian bible) in this WOMM:
Fuck - Sixteen times.
Shit - Twelve times.
Ass - Eight times.
Damn - Eight times.
Piss - Six times.
I said God four times, shot three times, Rachel several times, and sexy definitely more then once. I said bitch once.
I'm done here. Man, I'm so cool for saying the F word sixteen times. That's just so pretty. I love myself.
-Governor and Father Matt
P.S. I apologize for the use of bad words in this column. Then again, I don't apologize for you visiting this site. Either you laughed or you were brutally offended. If you brutally offended, I suggest you go to Crayola.com and draw a picture of you going down on George Bush. Thanks.