So, I was really tired and about to die on Friday night because of all the grease smell and just being sick of eating disgusting greasy food that I told Jeff and Nick to write columns for this but I decided my point of view would probably be funniest.
Before I start this, my apologizes to Nick because I'm going to call him a bunch of bad words. Thanks.
After the movie Daredevil with Ben Affleck and sexual Jennifer Garner, I take the nearest exit outside of the theatre in Clear Lake, Cinemark 18. Well, we end up in the back alley of the place. Because Robbie and Nick are absolute morons, they tried climbing walls and ramps like they were the Daredevil. Sadly, none of them were acrobatic enough to do much.
With that being said, since Nick can't fly like Michael Jordan, and since Robbie is white, and we all know white men can't jump, it was rather hilarious seeing Nick and Robbie struggle to make it up these ramps. If you still can't picture it, imagine these huge ramps going up and down (wheelchair ramps) from the second story of a huge building, like lets say, Wal-Mart, to ground level. They were going in every direction from every theatre. The ramp, when you go up a certain distance, is blocked by a wall, because, no shit, you can't just have a freefalling ramp, cause if you did, people who are vegetables like Matt Wurzbach would fall off the ramp riding his wheel chair and plummet to a very sad and chaotic death.
Now, that we got the ramps figured, this is what Nick tried to do. One of the ramps was taller than the other, and instead of just jumping on it, grabbing on, and pulling himself over, he was being creative and was going to use this huge white container as something to jump on.
Nick's plan, of course, didn't work, backfired in his face, and he died of total embarrasment, but he actually told us to laugh at him. I, on the other hand, was so shocked that it happened, I just stood there in awe at how incredibly stupid Nick was for trying it in the first place.
When Nick ran to jump on the container, there was grease that fell OUTSIDE the container onto the floor. When he ran, he slipped, and must have thought the container was second base, and he flew right into it. It was the most hilarious thing ever, till we found out what it was. The grease was all over Nick. His shirt was basically soaked, his jeans and shoes were descimated. It was so tragic, I declared a TW state of emergency in the middle of the movie theatre.
Nick's incredible idea next was to walk like a fucking zombie into the movie theatre. He was dragging his leg almost and people were passing by him and staring at the huge amount of grease. If all of you know what semen looks like, aka, CUM, it was like 600 guys just went all over Nick in a mass frenzy. It was so disgusting. The smell, as well, was so bad, that I nearly barfed all over the place.
So Nick kept walking into the theatre. When we got to the ticket stub area, he showed the guy his greased self, and we were all let in. At the second ticket stub area, the guy stared at us and couldn't believe what was going on. In the restroom, Ryan, Robbie, Jeff, and I started unrolling entire rolls of paper from the toliet to try and wipe Nick off. Little by little, the mass of grease was coming off. When I tried to help, I saw the grease, and almost barfed all over Nick to make it worse.
People came in to the bathroom. One guy's first reaction was "Holy Shit!" he even said that too. Good job for saying such holy words. Speaking of holy words, I'm going to say something about that in a second.
Some guy from the theatre walked in and stared in amusement at how dumb Nick looked. The guy was hispanic, so at the same time, he was making fun of Nick for being a greasy white boy. Then, some other guy came into the bathroom. He started to take a piss, and then farted SO LOUD THAT IT SOUNDED LIKE HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI PART II AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMB ASS TIMES 600, THANKS!
So, Nick walks out of the theatre, still wet, and still greasy, but definitely not as bad. When he walked in, he looked like a vulture. Now, he just looked like Nick...greased. So, we walked down the steps of the theatre. When Nick passed by, a bunch of good looking girls started laughing, and I said, "Excuse my disgusting friend" and walked off, adjusting my hat.
Walking to the van was fun. Everyone was staring at Nick. I was telling Nick, "If that was me dude, I would have already stabbed everyone, been yelling and cussing like there was no tomorrow, and blah blah." Ryan agreed. Nick was so calm about it. It was like listening to some Winter Overture. If you don't know what that is, let me just add, you're missing out on something very important in life.
Mick then took off all of his clothes besides his boxers. I was intimidated but not really. Here we were, civilized people, standing with a 6 foot, red headed grease monster, and he was only wearing boxers. He then took some newspaper, put it all over the drivers seat, and proceeded to drive us home.
Since Nick couldn't go to any public restroom and piss in boxers, we pointed at many places for him to try and unleash himself. One of them was a house on Saturn Lane, but he didn't go for that. The final one was University of Houston at Clear Lake's main road. He parked the car, got out, and took a piss right next to us. I so wish a car would have come by to see that.
I'm making a promise to all of you that before I graduate, I'm taking a piss off the Fred Hartman Bridge at 3:00 in the morning. Thanks.
Well, that's it. Hope you enjoyed it. IM Nick at neu modell 15 and call him a disgusting grease monster. Or, you can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell him how stupid and gay he is. Or, you can call him, at 281-Nick-Sux. Thanks!
Nick, I love you, btw.
Jeff and I have an idea, but we want to know what you think.
It's called Project LS. It's nothing TW has ever tried before because it's just so far out there. It involves a video camera, scripts, video editing, and everything.
Jeffrey James and Matthew James are going to attempt to create a movie about my life.
(Everyone looks around shocked and scared, because no one wants to see Matt naked)
If you read the History of TW, its going to be much like that, with emphasis on the major events. Like, Jeff and I hope to remake Target I, where Kelly, Tommy, Bill, and I met at the ditch by Sterling, and to remake many scenes from parties.
We'll let you know more about this later. If we do become serious, many of you will have to help us out with writing the script, because since most of it has happened, you could probably add in lines that sound more like you. Last time I wrote a script, all my friends sounded the same. Only one other person could sound like me, but even she thought that it was dumb that I had everyone cussing and sounding like me in everything. So, I'll either try harder, or we'll get you to help.
If you would like to submit comments to us about things you would like to see in the video, we're open for suggestions. What I really want to do is start the movie showing November 1999 and ending on November 10, 2002, but that involves us traveling to College Station, making up fake people, blah blah blah, and all that. Jeff and I will talk about everything. Keep checking out for updates on that.
I invented the word screwjob, basically because if you can hand and blow, why not go for it all, with a screw? Man, dumb girl Matt, but anyway.
In November, the administration of the worst school district in the world (YES, YOU GUESSED IT, OURS!!! *does irish gig*) decided that they needed to give us a TAKS practice test. Of course, everyone complained, so Mrs. Stanley, and I'm not sure what Mrs. Wash did, counted it as a test grade.
Well, we got the scores back. Let me remind you of these few things: 1) Almost everyone who took this test in AP is in the top 20 percent of Sterling's GPA; 2) Almost everyone taking this test has an IQ of higher then 120; 3) If I do better than Cheryl Morrill on any test, I either cheated or Cheryl was on drugs.
In this case, I didn't cheat. Although that's my usual way out of almost every challenge I have at school, I continued hating standardized tests and took this one. The point system was simple: There was a scantron section and then there was a free response section. In the scantron section, I got 34/42 right. Not as good as I expected, and I missed the first two questions, therefore I'm an absolute idiot.
On the free response, which I thought I kicked your mama's ass on, I only got a 1 for all three free responses! That added up to 6 more points. Cheryl, Lenee, and several other noteable smart people GOT ZERO FOR ALL THREE. THEY GOT NO POINTS AT ALL! BULLSHIT THEY DID!
The highest you can make was 18 points there. So, so far, you could make like, a 60, if you made 3's (the highest) on all the free responses and you got all 42 of the scantron portion right. The next part was an essay, which saved my entire life. I wrote the absolute shittest essay of my entire life. It was so shitty, I'm going to basically type in the two body paragraphs I wrote, and you're going to read them. K? Thanks!
The prompt was the following: Write an essay explaining why new experiences are an important part of growing up. (WHAT A FUCKING 3RD GRADE PROMPT IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE!)
"Personally, several 'new' experiences in my life have changed me to grow up and not stay at an immature level. Unlike many of my ex-best friends, many of them still live in a Kindgergarten life, because they're stupid. I learned that by being treated so bad by one person, (you could change that to two now) I could never treat anyone bad. I also learned through personal experience that people, especially ones that say they are devout Christians, lie mercefully till they lie so much, they are compared to the tabloid industry of American. This brings this all to one point: You live, you learn. Then again, Mrs. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus says, 'Take chances, make mistakes!' Good Advice, considering so many people in the world fail at something almost daily.
"When you watch other people fail, you don't want to do the same. Therefore, you change to win. What this basically means is, by watching them fail, you can achieve the exact opposite outcome in a similar situation with their help! For example, if you like a girl, and you see a friend like the same girl, and he does things that turn her off, such as say rude comments to her and trying to buy her out with jewelry, you can beat this guy to this girl by doing the complete opposite: Talk sweetly to her, and make free gifts, as in loveable, funn, romantic gifts (thought that counts), you'll win this girl's heart over. Well, at least I did. I'm smart, because I observe, A WHILE LOT, which is almost as if you're in someone elses new experience, making you grow up as well!" I made a 3+ on that BULLSHIT. I was writing that when I was on the phone with someone like at 11 at night. Total shit. BTW, when I was writing that, I had this face that said, "Matt, remember what your therapist told you, NO REGRETS." Stupid essay. I laughed when I wrote it. Logan said he was my hero because I wrote the Mrs. Frizzle thing.
"BORN FREE...AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS!" - I sing.
"Mrs. Stanley, Matt's singing." Logan, like Ralph.
Point to be made on this: I made a 70. 70!! I BARELY PASSED! Many people made a 60-80. Jet, who didn't take the test yet, was "threatened" with a 75 if he didn't take it. We all told him that he should take that. Ernie made a 61 and she tried talking him into taking it.
If people in AP classes can bomb this test, what about stupid sophomores named Herbie Jamie and Bryan Windy, a big piece of shit, because he called Rebecca Holmes a prep and she's not. How the hell does the school district plan to pass these guys?
Also, if you talk about skipping, Mrs. Stanley says the "bad guys" aka administration will find some way to screw us over and kill us. I suggest we all say we all got smallpox and got better within 3 days. Think that'd work? WEE!
Moral of the story: Sophomores, freshman, you're not going to graduate. Thanks. BTW, Speaking of freshman, Rachel is a flaming homosexual.
Target IV Plan
Because of so many conflicts on Friday, the anniversary date has been reluctantly moved to Saturday, February 22nd.
We think we know who the fourth person. Nick, the grease monsters, should join Kelly, Tommy, and I. Actually, he wouldn't join us, he'd drive us, cause he's the only cool person that drives besides Jeff, but if Nick can't do it, we'll hopefully get either Nick or Jeff to be the fourth person. And, if we think it sounds sexy enough, maybe both of them, but too many people = not a big huge fuckfest.
Here's the plan. Last night, I thought of something so ingenious. Every Target, we cross over Garth to go to Kroger, Leslie's Pool Supplies, and McDonalds. We never leave Baytown though for a Target. So, I thought, hm, Target 4...why don't we go to FOUR DIFFERENT TARGETS????
When Tommy heard the idea, he litteraly shat in his pants. It could be the best idea I've ever had for a fuckfest.
Here's the deal: Scenario One is Nick's scenario. If Nick does drive us, he needs to go to Katy Mills. Well, shit, what better place to have a fuckfest? The Katy Target is very close to Katy Mills. Its on the opposite of it, so its perfect on going the way home. Well, we got two Target's now, Baytown and Katy. Now, we need two more. On 610 near the Galleria, there's a Target! Katy Mills and Galleria in the same day? Insane! Finally, there is one last Target, and that would be South Central SuperTarget in the Medical Center, right where they are building the new Houston Light Rail Line.
That scenario sounds sexy because it is on the way home. Four Targets is wonderful. It would break every fuckfest record of going to like 4 different zip codes, and two different counties, Harris and Walker, if we exceed to go to Katy Mills, which we are most likely with Nick's scenario.
If there is going to be another person, here's the other scenario: The Baytown Target of course, then we zip down the bridge to Pasadena and the Pasadena SuperTarget, then we go to Clear Lake's Target which is right across from Baybrook mall, then we zip down to League City/Dickinson/Kemah's Super Target, which is almost side by side to the SuperWalMart there.
Both scenarios offer sexual stuff. Four Target's, and the Baytown Target is included in both. I'm already planning in my mind for next year's Target, the last Target, my favorite number, Target V - which I'm planning to do in five different counties. I'm not sure how possible that would be or how long that would take, but I think it could work. We'll see. I'm planning for the biggest thing ever: Baytown, Houston, College Station, Long Island, and Queens (last two in New York). I don't know how the hell I'm going to manage to have a "FUCKFEST" with the New York ones, or who in their right mind will drive to College Station just to take pictures in their Target, which is probably just as disgusting as all the Target's minus the SuperTarget's here.
First off, before you read this, no offense to anyone's Christianity, because this doesn't offend that. If you think it does, just jump into a bathtub that has electrical equipment plugged in lying in it.
Ok, these fucking junior high kids are pissing me off. They live in Houston, and they are absolutely OBSESSED with Walking 49. To tell you the truth, I think they are stupid morons for just liking Walking 49 that much. Yes, they're fucking good, but damn it, there's other great bands out there. So anyway, they like, want to play so bad with these guys. They're all 14, and extremely ugly.
Basically, they keep IMing me, asking me if I'm Matt Elliott, or Matt Suckmeoff, and I'm like, No, I'm not, stop IMing me. They IM me in hordes. They like all want to talk to me. They think I'm some guy that goes to their school just cause my screen has the name Matt in it. They also think I make them some deal with Walking 49 to play together. I just shook my head.
So, on Saturday, the guy invited me to a chat room. Well, I got in there, and I typed, "GOD FUCK, I FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS, STOP FUCKING IMING ME!!!" and I left the chat. Of course, since they are immature, obnoxious, and five years old, they kept inviting me into the chat.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOME GIRL IMS ME AND SAYS, "DON'T SAY GOD'S NAME IN VEIN." I'm looking around the room with my hands in the air in ultimate frustration, looking up at Stan, my South Park doll, and my New York Model Subway Trains made out of cardboard, and I ask them, "What the FUCK is her FUCKING PROBLEM??"
So, I say, "What?" and she says, "Don't say God's name in vein." And I say, "Who, God?" and she says, "Ya" and I say, "Oh alright." Then she says "Thnxs" and in the back of my mind I'm like, ok, you spelled out THNXS, WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST STRESS A LITTLE BIT FUCKING HARDER AND TYPE OUT T-H-A-N-K-S? I MEAN REALLY. THNXS IS THANKS WITHOUT THE FUCKING A AND THE FUCKING K IS AN X. WHAT A GOD DAMN LOSER. I SHOULD LIKE, TAKE SOME AMMO AND THROW IT AT HER HEAD! (Inside joke from last week's column, about the girl who brought ammo to school, but no weapon)
So, after she said "THNXS" (stupid fuck) I said, "No. Fuck you. Thanks" and she warned me like up to 35 percent where I couldn't even fucking breathe and talk to people. I was so pissed off. I wanted to chop her fucking dick off. You couldn't even imagine my anger.
Here's the deal. I know some of you don't like it when I say God Damn. But, when you fucking tell me I can't say it because the damn bible says "Don't say his name in vein" I need to take a nerf gun and point it straight up your tight ass. You don't tell me what to do. If you believe that, fine. Don't you FUCKING DARE tell me what I can say or what I can't say. This is America, the land of the free, (and we all laugh hysterically), and I can say what ever the hell I FUCKING WANT. Now, if you're all like, OMG, MATT YOU'RE SUCH A HYPOCRITE CAUSE SHE CAN SAY WHAT SHE WANTS TOO - well, you know what? SHE'S NOT SAYING SOMETHING, SHE'S DEMANDING SOMETHING. "DON'T SAY GOD'S NAME IN VEIN." There is absolutely no way that girl isn't a fucking sinner. Everyone is a sinner. I don't necessairly believe in the teachings of Jesus and I'm a Jew in heart, but come on, really.
If Rachel says to me, "Please don't say God damn in front of me" I'll understand, and I'll politely cuss her out in my mind and try and love her but, I respect how she feels. But see, she said please. She didn't say, "IF YOU SAY GOD DAMN ONE MORE TIME, I'M CUTTING OFF YOUR FUCKING NUTS!" I believe as of right now, if you tell me to say "Don't do that" because you believe that, you should be hung over the Fred Hartman Bridge, and then let cannons fire at you from the river. You're an absolute idiot. Don't spread your beliefs on me. Oh, I know its part of Christianity to spread your faith to other people, but that's spreading faith. That's MAKING OTHERS believe what you believe. If someone says, "Hey God's cool, like him" I might consider it, but if someone says, "DON'T BE AN ATHEIST MATT BECAUSE I'M NOT!" I'm going to slap you in the ass, and its not going to be pleasureful, because I'm going to put razor sharp blades in my hand. I'll never obey you, I'm Matt Impelluso, and GOD DAMN IT, I'm Governor.
Nick - 36 times
Fuck - 27 times
Greasy - 17 times God - 11 times
Shit - 9 times
Damn - 7 times
Ass - 4 times
Bitch - 0 times