What's on My Mind
The Summer Season
June 23, 2004This summer has been INSANE and BORING. Two words that usually don't go together in the same sentence is always happening to many of us. The nights are usually incredible, the days are just so, so, so fucking boring. And with my lazy ass not working because I didn't want to get a job in the fucking first place, it makes it even worse. I got the job at Office Max, but I decided not to take it, because I'm not a loser and I've heard terrible terrible stories about how boring it is at Office Max, and honestly, I'm more of a comedian than someone who's stuck in boredom.
There's much brewing up with many people who were once or still affiliated with TW. Friendships are dying or increasing, relationships are all up in the air, and my love for my asshole, and its wideness, increases every day. I was so disappointed when I saw Justin Holt with more facial hair than me - but that's about to fucking change, as I take over Baytown with my intense girth.
I was going to go to San Antonio this weekend and get my orientation over with, but let me give you the reasons why I'm not going:
So with that all said and done, I'm just going to talk about random things. Here we go.
Living the High Life
Maybe someone can explain to me why I don't have lots of money from my Italian families to the east, but then again, I've met most of my family besides my Jersey family less than half a dozen times in my life. So this is the story of Becky's boyfriend, Wade.
While over at his house last night, I've noticed several things that make me really jealous. Not only does Wade have a hot Baytown Hot Babe Contestent girlfriend, but he lives in the middle of the Heights in Midtown Houston with his best friend with whom he shares a twelve pack of Coca-Cola every day and sits in this house half the size of mine, but parties the whole time. The stories they told were almost jaw-dropping: A silly idea they had for a t-shirt ended up on former N'Sync member Joey Fatone's body and on the shelves of Hot Topic.
Neither of them work, but they're certified bartenders.
That is the mother fuckin life right there.
Staying in their house at night, I've realized many many things that are actually very important to everyone reading this site. Here's a few:
We'll see what happens. Sometimes, TW pisses me off. Sometimes, I enjoy writing. And sometimes, I'll go on rampages, like right now.
My stupid fucking life
I kind of want to know who makes up all these fucked up rules and regulations, for anything. Like, back a long time ago, someone said, "Well, lets fuck all these people over like this" and no one in the government thought it was a bad idea, and now its still in place today.
I'm talking about how mother fucking stupid it is to go to the DMV and get that "temporary" paper. I went in on Monday to get my ID, and it takes two to three weeks to process. Ok people, its a mother fucking plastic card with a picture and numbers. This does not take fucking two weeks. I had my ID badge made in 10 seconds. This card isn't bigger, it isn't smaller. "OOOOh, its official, its the state of Texas!" Fuck the state of Texas, and fuck everyone for thinking that they can just put some huge time limit on things. Two weeks is a long time, you could have sex over 50 times, or go to a taqueria 28 times, that is, if you went for breakfast and lunch.
So I'm at the DMV, and we're all waiting....for something. When I finally get called, we go to the back room where I know most of you have been, and we're just standing in a row, and three cashier customer assistance people come up and help everyone. Why the fuck couldn't they do that the ENTIRE TIME? We were just sitting there, tweedling our fucking pussy lips, waiting to be called. There's so many fucking stupid people there too. Here's an example:
"I need another form of ID, sir" - receptionist
"I don't have one, that's why I'm here" - shitface
"Well, are you married? Divorced? Graduated high school?" - receptionist
"No....I'm not any of that" - shitface
"Nothing? You don't have any certificate? You were never married?" - receptionist
"Oh...well...I was married, but now I'm getting a divorce" - shitface
"But...you have a marriage license?" - receptionist
"Yes I do" - shitface
"YOU'RE A FUCKING BIG PIECE OF DOG SHIT, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU FAT PRICK!" - me in my mind
DAMN! I mean, DAMN! What fucking IDIOTS! But this is the part that pisses me off the most. I mean, this is the most stupidest fucking thinking I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. Why would the state of Cunt I mean Texas give me a piece of paper with my DOB, shit like that? For me to be a "valid citizen with an ID," right? RIGHT! WELL, IT DOESN'T TURN OUT THAT WAY. THE FUCKING COCKSUCKERS WHO RUN THE TEXAS GOVERNMENT SAY, "GIVE MR.IMPELLUSO THIS PAPER. IT HAS A NUMBER ON IT, BUT ITS RENDERED USELESS UNTIL HE GETS HIS ID IN 2-3 WEEKS"
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAVE YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PAPER AND LETS SAVE THE GOD DAMN RAINFOREST, YOU SICK SONS OF FUCKING BITCHES!
CAN ANYONE ELSE TELL HOW FUCKING EMOTIONAL I AM ABOUT THIS? WHY DO I HAVE A PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER THAT ISN'T VALID? THEY HAND IT TO ME LIKE IT'S SOME GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT. IT'S NOT. IT'S A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER TO WIPE MY ASS WITH AFTER I GO TO TAQUERIA ARANDAS.
I found all of this out when the next day, me and my mom went to Washington Mutual to get my checking account. First off, those cunts asked for two different forms of ID. Jesus fucking Christ, we might as well get our god damn ID's when we're born and every fuckin year after that! So, I give my school ID, which I might add, is fucking older than the phrase "Make you say uhhh, uhhh, nananananah, nanananah" and I give my "temporary paper identification" from the state of Texas.
My account status: Not approved. Why? Because the state of Texas has decided not to update their computers with my number.
THANK YOU TEXAS, I STILL DO NOT FUCKING EXIST, EVEN THOUGH I TECHNICALLY DO. FUCK TEXAS.
So anyway, I try to remain calm, but the only thing that was calm at the time was my fucking flaccid dick, because everyone at Washington Mutual was either a hispanic male or fat white women. If I would have gone two hours later, our favorite greasy friend Rachel "I haven't been mentioned on TW in about four months because I got caught crossing the Rio Grande" Barajas would have probably helped me, because, for SOME FUCKING REASON BY GOD'S WILL, SHE HAS A JOB AT A FUCKING BANK, AND I'M STUCK WITH A JOB ENTERTAINING 6,000 COMPUTER HITS A DAY. THANKS JESUS, FUCK YOU TOO!
I left. On Friday, many of you know, it was raining. My mom and I pull back up in our Caddy (no it doesn't have rims, but I'll try and get Mark to talk some "Thug" into my parents) and we walk inside. I'm wet, I'm agitated because Sprint decided "Hey Matt, today is your best friend's surprise party, and because we're in the sky with God and Jesus and Jehovah and Nigger, we're going to cut off your service and make your life a living fucking hell. Thanks, now stop cussing on your god damn trash website. Love, Sprint." Too bad I have such a fucking love for Sprint. I'm the only one in this town. It turns out that my room has the best reception in all of Baytown.
Ok I'm getting off subject. So, we go back in, we go to the same teller guy, and we wait. And.....THE FUCKING STATE OF TEXAS...AFTER FOUR DAYS, STILL HAS NOT UPDATED THEIR COMPUTERS WITH MY FUCKING NAME IN IT. MOTHER FUCK.
Does ANYONE, ANYONE HAVE A LOGICAL EXPLANATION OF WHY I'M GETTING FUCKED IN THE BALLS? What did I do to deserve this fucking nonsense? What did I do to deserve getting a fucking tube stuck up my dick, pulled out, and shoved down my throat? Huh?
If anyone is getting grossed out by my profane comedy, get the fuck out. But I know you want more! :) !
So while I'm hating the state of Texas for fucking up my life because I need a checking account to purchase a hotel room stay for me and my best friends' 7 day vacation in New York, I've been basically doing absolutely nothing. I havent' updated in the longest time, mainly because I fucking can and choose when I can, but that doesn't matter. My arrogance shouldn't be at your expense. And I'm sorry.
LMFAO, I'm not sorry, you sick sons of bitches who come 5 times a day to see if I updated! JUST KIDDING AGAIN I LOVE YOU ALL.
A Baytown Music Venue
We don't have one. Period. I don't care who the fuck you are. WE DO NOT HAVE A MUSIC VENUE IN THIS TOWN OF 67,000 PEOPLE.
So, why am I talking about our three horrible music venues? Because I have the best idea EVER for the new music venue in Baytown! If you don't go to Sterling, then just apply this to any principal you really dislike.
What I was thinking was, me and a team of about 50 men (including the physical labor feeners Bill "I've seen enough munure in my day to scare off Lowes" Vickers and Walter "I'll be there in 5 minutes but make that half an hour" Jones) (j/k guys) get a huge wrecking squad. This includes bulldozers, fork-lifts, huge cranes which I might add, has a huge wrecking ball. We go over to a certain freshman class principal's house, and just tear her fucking house down to shreads. I'm talking about, take that wrecking ball and wreck it like there's no fucking tomorrow. I want god damn HELL to break loose on this house. The big question: Are there people inside? I don't give a fucking shit, I'll tear them apart too!
So after the entire house is set apart and she's outside bitching to me about destroying her house, I say, "Excuse me bitch, you caused 300 people A DAY to miss out on a month of Go Digital...what do you have to say to that?" And she'll say, "Well I'm just a skinny fuckin bitch and I can't believe I got laid and popped out a kid and Matt and all of Matt's fans...I just want to tell you right now, that I enjoyed it, so much, taking that camera from you. It showed the world who's right. Cameras do not belong in schools. Fucking bitches like me do. " Hey....I can say that, CAUSE I'M A HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING GRADUATE! *kicks Lady in the ass, Lady barks, then pisses*
Ok, so the house is totally destroyed. We make a four story music venue. This is what it contains: The first story is this huge extravagant lobby that has pictures of every band, every genre imaginable. The second story is stage one, where all the shitty country bands and shit like that play. The third and fourth stories is something that looks exactly like Fitzgeralds, just cooler and more spacious. And Pneuma gets to headline every show, whenever they want. I like this idea!
Oh, let me add, I will be serving beer to minors. If the cops show up, I'll just speak in Arabic, and when they beat me, I'll claim it was racial profiling. God, I'm the smartest bitch in the world!
Too bad this is only a dream....only a dream. Damn. I felt a bulge in my pants.
DEDICATED TO THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD, CHRISTOPHER HANEY!
For those of you who don't know Chris Haney, he kicks ass. He kicks so much ass, I'm afraid to say on this website. It's THAT bad. But, I promised Chris something that I never gave him, because yes, I do break promises, but only for keeping secrets and not telling your boyfriend that you still want to try different types of drugs. Comprende? I promised Chris a hardcore cd. And he doesn't have one. And I apologize, Chris, my most loyal and beautiful fan.
The reason why I'm bringing this up is because about two months ago, I publicized "Into the Moat" on here, and Brad, Andrew, Kelly, and others all got their panties in a twist because they heard what was and still is one of the best hardcore bands ever. Benny Jean, the booker for the Horrid Affair and many shows in and out of the Houston area, was about to bring Into The Moat, with Psyopus, another INCREDIBLE band from Rochester NEW YAWK. Into the Moat is from Florida.
This show was going to be so incredible that I moved my entire New York vacation, which at one point was EXTREMELY scary to Becky, because she has auditions the day we get back from New York. And guess what? Two days ago, Trey tells me the saddest news, in the entire fucking world:
Into the Moat isn't going on tour, at all. A long message on their website states how their record company fucked them over and wouldn't supply them with a van. Bill and I said we'd drive my dad's van and pick them up. It doesn't seem too likely though. It seems as if Into the Moat will never come back to Houston.
Instead, one-hit wonder Ed Gein with their incredible song "Bathed in Orange" might come instead. Ed Gein isn't even a quarter as good as Into the Moat is, but, this is what's going to happen instead.
Once again, these are all the fucking reasons why Chris Haney wants me to be religious, so that God will give me the best hardcore show in the entire world. FUCK IT, ONE HOUR EVERY SUNDAY FOR FOUR HOURS MAYBE ONCE EVERY FOUR MONTHS? That's no deal! LOL!
I thought, wow, since Into the Moat became an instant success here in Baytown, I thought you readers would like to check out other bands that are extremely talented and DEFINITELY need attention:
This column was absolutely insane. It involved me cussing a whole lot, me not making a lot of sense, and me portraying myself with no maturity. Actually, I'm very mature. See? My dick is as long as this column!
-NYC BOUND, JULY 9-
P.S. Hey post on the newsboard! Thanks! (slowly waits and tweedles thumbs till July so Brad can post 'Weird July Holidays')