What's on My Mind

Countdown to Season 4, Old People, New York City

July 16, 2003

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M BACK! Bad words! Yay! Bad words are good! I have a lot to talk about in this WOMM, and they have to do with very different things. Some of it is about New York, some of it is about old people, some of it is about buttplugs, and some of it is about the new changes TW is going to make next season. (Right now we're in the transition of switching from Season 3 to Season 4).

Before I start, I would to thank all the people who decided to write how much they miss me even though I'm a big piece of human slime. I'm also a tyrant and the worst person in the world. JUST KIDDING THOUGH!

Season 4!

Season 4 is coming up very soon with the new school year just around the corner. That makes me EXTREMELY sad, but that's really all we can do. Lets make the breast of the summer. Uh oh! I said Titty!

I would like to briefly describe my ideas for the new TW. Here they are:

  • Since the last design was incredible although didn't match up to my fans like this one does, there will be NO NEW SITE DESIGN CHANGES.


  • In the What's on my Mind's (WOMM), this center column will feature more up to date news stories, like journalism. For example, when Derek Jones shat his pants, I put a column just about that topic. So, except more journalism and more columns about specific things, such as buttplugs or anal lube.


  • I want to get more of my employees involved. Such columns that I mentioned should be distributed among everyone, and I think with some enthuasiam everyone has a story to tell. Whether it's once a month or once a day, I hope my employees can contribute the most they ever had (except Brad or Nick which have contributed so much already)


  • This year, the 2003 Hot Girl Contest will the biggest ever, and it will be taken very seriously. So seriously in fact, that we will have a Hot Babe Commitee to pick out the herendous number of 64 girls to be entered into the contest, just from the Senior Class. I will talk to some of my Junior friends so make a commitee of their own and have a 32 girl Hot Babe contest for themselves. I also think a new method of collecting votes should be done, such as having another person look over my shoulder to make sure I'm not letting Logan's Feet beat Peri Arthur again!! LOLOLOL


  • Although you might have heard rumors of certain members being kicked out of positions they've held, the Masticators will always remain 6 members unless someone quits, or unless there's a 5 to 1 vote on kicking a member out (which will probably never happen because of the diverse opinions of everyone in the Masticators). The Masticators will continue doing what they did best that was so damn popular - make food and make funny faces.


  • The fourth and final season will continue having fuckfests, and the absolute fuckfests that will happen are the (January 2 and 3) Galveston III Fuckfest, the (February 22) Target V Fuckfest, and the (June 11) Galleria IV Fuckfest. These will be the last major fuckfests ever since TW started in 1998.


  • This year, the advertising for TW will be the most extensive ever. I'm possibly going to even out do myself so much to the point of being legal in school, however. Passing out flyers showing the site I think is illegal, but I think if we advertise indiscreetly, like more on t-shirts and such, we should do very well this year with reaching a more younger fan base. Yes fans, its true, we're getting really old, and the founding forfathers of this site are going to be attending college in a year, so we do need a VERY strong underclassman fan base so TW can remain strong up to when Rachel Barajas is going to be the Senior Class President for this site in 2006.


  • This year, a more accessible and user-friendly TW will come up, sort of like how I've been doing all year long. If many of you don't know, Tim was one of the only people to request a "large font" version of my WOMM, and I still think that's a little too small. If any of you have any sort of eye problems, don't be afraid and ask how you can make TW a better experience for you since I know the text is incredibly small. For new users, TW will be described and shown easily and they can get around to sections they don't know by name with a single click instead of navigating on a very texty front page.


  • This year, I have to become very vibrant and update the site more than I ever have. This is the final year, we have to go out with a bang. I've made this site to be absolutely the greatest website experience for anyone not looking for a very funny flash animation that I don't feel like I need to take the time in making. This site was made on the basis of making people laugh but at the same time giving news and opinions that many of you should be concerned about (except when I'm ranting about certain people).

    Hopefully these new paths for The Warzone tickle you where the sun doesn't shine. Believe me, it's tickling me so much, my clothes are off.

    Old People

    Haven't you ever realized, there's cool old people, and really shitty old people? Like, there's no in between. There's just cool, then there's just bitch. This is the story of Matt Impelluso being anti-Senior Citizen.

    I come from an Italian and Puetro Rican family, two cultures which THRIVE on respecting parents and so forth. Yeah, I respect my parents, I mean, because they're great to me. But, there's a certain point in my life that if I knew they weren't my parents, would I actually REALLY respect them, if they were nobody to me?

    I would like to know right now why senior citizens need to be respected so much if they don't give the respect they deserve. They cry foul when you say something bad to them and they yell, "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" FUCK THAT. That has to be the STUPIDEST quote EVER. You know what I say? "FUCK YOU AND YOUR RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, I'M GOING TO BE THE PERSON WHO'S DOING YOUR FUCKING TAXES AND GIVING YOU CHEAP FARES TO ENTER MY SUBWAY SYSTEM!"

    Here's my policy: If you respect me, I respect you. You have to give respect to earn the great respect. So, I'll give respect to any person I'd meet, and it'll climb or decline within days, weeks, months, or years. Never have I had a decade incident cause I haven't known a friend longer than when I was 11.

    So why am I bringing up old people in this? Because, although I won't tell you why, I got in a fight with my grandmother while I was in New York. Basically, she told me to shut up for something, and I told her the same exact thing, shut up.

    My entire family blows up at me because she's my "grandmother" and I have to learn how to respect her. CAN ANYONE SAY, BULLSHIT? VOMIT? HORSE RADISH? JACKASS? DUMB SHIT? CACA? DODO? CRAP? MANURE? LAWN FERTILIZER? PELLETS??

    Ok I'm glad you can say all that. But the thing is, Seniors shouldn't automatically be respected because of how old they are. That's absolute bullshit. If some old man is being a complete bitch, I'm not going to say, "Wow, I admire that man for being old." What the fuck kind of moral is that? That's what people teach their kids! Well I'm not teaching that to my kids!

    You know, I'm going to be the best parent ever. I want my kids to tell me if I'm being a jackass. Of course if they want to go out to the sewer to play and I say no and they call me a jackass, I'll take out the belt and whip some booty. But, if I'm being completely unreasonable, I would like for them to sit down and talk to me about it. "Father Matt, I'm sorry, but I think I'm old enough to watch Die Hard with a Venengence." "But Little Matt, you're only three, and you're not supposed to say big words like Venegence."

    I'm going to be the best old man ever. I mean, if I treat people right, sure, I want the respect in return, and since I treat people right, I SHOULD get the respect in return. But when some old fuck like those damn Geezers who lived next door to us try to call the cops on every little thing kids do, that's when it crosses the fucking line.

    Let me tell you the story about the Geezers. They called the cops on us when we played ball and the ball would roll in their yard. They called the cops on people who rode their bike through city property acros their yard. They called the cops on my dog for being unchained and claimed she took shits on their yard when my dog always decides to leave the shit for my backyard. They called the cops on a little kid who accidently threw his ball badly and hit the garage door of theirs. They called the cops when we ordered them a pizza. LOLOL.

    I mean, ok, we weren't perfect kids, but if a baseball rolled up in my yard when I'm old, I would actually try and get up and fucking move my chair over so I could watch little kids play baseball. Hopefully I'll die before I become this bored.

    So back to my point. Old people? Who are they? Old. They don't matter to anyone in real society. They matter to families, yeah. And do I feel sorry for the occasional disabled old person on a wheelchair, or an old man walking extremely slow but trying as hard as he can to continue walking? Absolfuckinlutely. But if I ever knew that old man thought he was better than me because of his age, or that I couldn't talk to him in a certain way because of his age, fuck that. I wouldn't feel sorry for him. I'll feel pity for him.

    No one ever told me in my life that I had to respect my cousins. If your argument is, well, your grandmother is family, why is it when I call my cousins or my brother and sister the most horrible things, no one complains? Oh, because they're the same age? Age doesn't matter. It's how you fucking act. Someone can act like a kid at heart and still be 60.

    So next time someone tells you to respect your elders, you ask, "Why?" And when they can't give you a real answer, you say, "Respect the future of fucking America."

    New York

    And the city that never sleeps actually started to when I arrived! New York oh New York was such a great adventure this time around. I did many things I planned for, many things I didn't plan for at all, and many things that will be memorable for years to come.

    This year, which you'll see in Go Digital soon, I went to many new places. If you read the newsboard, you can see that I took a trip into Staten Island to throw away a picture my ex-girlfriend gave me. HA! She's floating down the Arthur Kills (Arthur Kills is basically Dutch for a narrow body of water between two large land areas) right now. If you have any pictures of your demented ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, I suggest you go to a place you'll never go to again in the Baytown area and put them there, and you'll feel so much better about your life.

    Once I got done with that, I felt much better about my other accomplishments. I had to take pictures of George Carlin's former residence, which I did, and a picture of the Flatiron Building, which yes, looks like a fuckin flat iron.

    The only thing about my New York trip that I disliked in any way was how sad I was to see my Houston friends take a taxi. Some of you may know that Stackey (Amanda Klaus, Class of 03) and Dawn (Stephanie Foreman, Class of 03) and Stackey's family came to New York this year and I had to show them around.

    As many of you know, I am absolutely obsessed and in love, and know more about the subways and how they work then almost anyone alive. I want to run them when I'm older and make things even better for the transportation system in New York. And well, here's the story of a true New Yorker at heart.

    "Ok, we're going upstairs to get a taxi" - Stackey
    "Well, you guys go, I'll take the subway" - Me
    "No, you're coming with us" - Mama Stackey
    "Nah, I'll be fine, you guys go" - Me
    "Come on Matt please come with us" - Mama Stackey
    "I'll feel much more comfortable in the subway. You know how my pride is. I could never diss my subways and ride in a fuckin taxi" - Me.

    I rode on the subway. Can you guess who got to their destination first?

    Matt Impelluso.

    I waited in a subway station for 8 minutes, then had to walk two blocks, and then stalled some more by buying a newspaper at a local newstand. I beat them by fifteen minutes. And I took the subway.

    I don't know how much they paid that day for that taxi. But let me tell you, I paid 21 dollars for transportation that entire week. That was it. Unlimited. I could go where ever I wanted that week for 21 dollars. To get in the taxi cab, just to admire its inside, costs $2.00. If you want to go one mile, that's $1.50. If you're sitting in traffic, that's $.20 a minute in traffic.

    Basically, people get murdered. And that's why I felt so bad for my second favorite mother, second to mine of course, because they spent their money on a disgusting yellow vehicle instead of riding the most powerful and fastest way downtown their could possibly be, besides flying.

    I was so excited about showing them around town. I even gave them these safety tips:


  • Never stand near the edge of the platform because there are fucking crazy people in New York who push people onto the tracks when a train is entering the station and people who jump in just to end their lives.


  • Never stare at anyone in the subway because they might take offense and start a fight.


  • If you're standing, always grab onto a pole or railing or else when the train moves you're going to either fall to the side of fall straight on your ass and believe me the entire train will take out a gun and shoot you for being a tourist.



    Tourists are so easy to be spotted out. They can't ever seem to understand the meaning of planning ahead. There they are, sitting in subway stations, not knowing where to go. I told almost 30 people this year how to get somewhere. One time, when I was on the R Train going downtown, some guy asked Stephanie where something was, and she blurted out, "Don't ask me, ask the guy in the Yankee hat."

    I was New York famous for 10 seconds as the entire car full of at least 200 people stared at me.

    Speaking of Yankee hats, YES, I GOT A NEW ONE, HOLY JESUS CHRIST! That's six hats! Currently, I have three of them in my possession! Ok, that's .500, I'm doing pretty good! I just got to remember never to give my hat to my girlfriend or lose it on an amusement park ride. (My first ever hat, I have no idea where it is but I didn't lose it or give it up to anyone)

    I couldn't even appreciate my incredible luxuries of being a tour guide. Basically, I didn't get paid for being a tour guide, but I was invited to ENJOY the tourist experience, which I want to say was quite like no other. I was on top of the Empire State Building at 10:00 PM, (my second visit to the great beast), and I saw my second ever Yankee Stadium game. I've been to Shea Stadium three times, and two of the times I saw the Mets play the Yankees, and the other, I saw the Mets lose sooo bad to the Royals.

    The accomodations were wonderful this year and basically guys, being friends with Stackey made my trip very gloriful. The only thing I hated was them taking a taxis and the immense shopping we had to be dragged in. 12 hours in one day walking for me. I almost died. I had blisters on my feet larger than the state of Montana. (Therefore, if you think about it, since I'm back home, you're living in my blister. EW!!! LOLOLOLOLOL.)

    When the Red Sox lost to the Yanks, I couldn't help but say this when a Red Sox fan started to yell, "Lets go Red Sox" when we left the stadium:

    "Go back to Boston, ya fuckin idiot!"