What's on My Mind

SATAN! The Masticators, FUNNIES!

August 3, 2003

Finally. I'm sure many of you were complaining so much this week about the incredibly slow service you were getting by visiting TW - and let me tell you, I wasn't just fucking complaining, I was almost at the "having a stroke" stage. Constantly this week, I had to try and make myself happy and not go into a stage of depression and keep reading my OWN column over and over again. When I was writing that, I didn't have a problem at all in my life, now all of a sudden I had so many - but TW is my biggest priority - bringing you the shit that matters most.

So, now that I have that out in the open, the servers are starting to run semi-faster, and I guess I can't complain. I'm poor - almost all of us are - and I can't afford anything better than what we have. Thank you everyone for keeping up with TW and giving us over 70,000 hits in the month of July, surpassing the shock of May with 65,000.

Very bad people

I'm going to define bad people right now. If you've ever called anyone Satan, then they're bad. I have. Although this site mainly focuses with anti-punk or whatever the hell we're associated with these days, there's something everyone can all agree on - BAD PEOPLE FUCKING SUCK.

Now lets begin our definition of bad people. A bad person is someone who doesn't keep their word. A bad person is someone who can't keep a friend longer than 3 weeks before they go off hating them. A bad person is ANYONE who CHEATS on ANYONE. If you cheat on someone - YOU ARE FUCKING SATAN. I don't care WHO you are. Cheating has to be the most absolute worst thing in the entire world. And if you cheat, let me just tell you right now, everyone hates you, and you have to move far far away to get this out off your record. So anyone reading this who's cheated on anyone? Does anyone know? HA. You're a fucking asshole.

Now, lets establish something that makes a person TERRIBLE. This happened to me a couple of days ago, and the same to another one of my best friends also: When someone calls you and asks you to do something, that automatically means, that person will DEFINITELY be there because he's the one who invited you! Well, in my friend's case, this person made plans with another person, and didn't even tell him anything. THIS PERSON IS A FUCKING IDIOT.

In my case, it was pretty similar but I won't get into major details. Can we all agree people like this need to die? I don't care what the reason is. Anyone can pick up the phone, HELL, even lie to me. Say, "Matt, my grandmother just fucking broke her hip and I need to go to the doctor and...buy her a new one." Something stupid like that. That's better than letting the person hang on waiting for you ALL FUCKING DAY LONG.

This is a personal frustration but it's also a very common frustration between many of you. I'm sure once in your life a friend has fucked you over for his/her own personal benefit. You know what? I've done it to someone actually. Well, it wasnt' that bad, but I'll tell the story. My ex-best friend, we were on great terms - and he starts liking this girl. The girl, just wasn't in to him at all. I tried hooking them up, and well, I started liking her, and my friend lost. I ended up losing worse in the future but that doesn't matter.

Ok, I'm a fucking asshole, but let me ADMIT IT TO EVERYONE. These people that do these things, they don't think anything is wrong, they're just so stuck up with themselves that they let Satan rule them. I'm not a very religious person, but Satan is known to everyone - he is bad. He is very bad. God, I hate people who just look at people and think they're so innocent, yet, they're fuckin idiots! I know this is very off topic for many of you who are always into my anti-rants, but these people need to be stopped. If you're friends with anyone like this, don't be an idiot like me, end the friendship. I mean, if it happens once, talk to them, slap them across the face, and say, "HEY FUCK YOU DON'T EVER FUCKING DO THAT TO ME AGAIN YOU SATANIST!" If they do it again, take your imaginary shot gun and go into your room and pop the friendship balloon with their name on it. Then, take a shit on it. Then, flush it down the toliet. Then, go to the water treatment plant and make sure its INCINERATED. Ok, that might be too drastic, but get them out of your lives.

If your boyfriend is a bad person, do the same as well. If your girlfriend is a bad person, Guys, take a glue bottle and stick it up their butt. You can't love a bad person. This isn't the fucking Cinemark Movie Theatre. This is life. Good people = Good. Bad people = Bad. In movies, we sometimes root for the bad guy. No one in real life likes the bad guy that pisses you off. No one in real life likes it when you piss all over them. FUCK YOU.


Making food!


Do you like food?

Do you like funny faces?

Do you like people sticking very large objects in their mouth, holding small little dogs and making you choke on Coke, and cooking bannanas with bacon?

IF SO, YOU MIGHT LIKE THE MASTICATORS!!! YES WE COOK FOOD! YES WE TAKE PICTURES. Why? WHY THE FUCK NOT? I mean, why do we pleasure ourselves or get pleasure from someone else? Cause its fucking good! Just like us eating food! Its fucking good!

This year, we're doing things no one has ever attempted to do before: Have a planned schedule. Me, I've never planned anything so thought out in my entire life. We have 20 fucking plates of different food we have to make. Not only that, everyone in The Masticators is so different. We got Tommy who likes hardcore music, and we got Tim who likes buttplugs. We got Jeff who likes girls naked, and we got KK who likes using astrices to express her emotions. Blake loves cars. I hate cars. I like...trains. I'm so fucking lame - oh the fucker of the Holy Virgin Mary.

On Wednesday...LOL...you guys aren't going to fucking believe this - Tommy's wonderful idea is to make one HUGE pigs IN the blanket - like, we're just having one big piece of dough with tons of hot dogs or whatever the hell is inside pig in a blanket anyway. And then, we're going to cut it up. Why does Tommy wanna do this? Cause he fucking likes fruit, that's why. Fruit is stuck so far up his ass the acid is killing his colon. Ok, enough bashing Tommy, love you baby boy.

Ok guys, we're gonna have a vote. How many people think Rachel's a whore? Ok, its anonymous, everyone who's reading has already answered yes without even fucking voting.

I don't know what's up with me today - I'm not in a very pissed off mood, but I seem to want to cuss a lot. Yes. AND I DON'T CARE CAUSE I'M IMMATURE! JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU!

Funny Stuff

"Dude, could you jerk a bird off?" - Kelly
"Ummmm...." - Me
"I've never seen a bird with a cock before, or a human cock either" - Tommy
"Yeah, a cock's cock" - Kelly
"How do birds do that shit anyway? I should have asked about that in Biology" - Tommy
"I think the bird sticks his beak in the girl bird's vagina creating sperm and eggs to create babies" - Me

"Oh God!" says Tommy as he runs into a bunch of shirts. He picks them up, tries to put them back on the rack, but fails. Then, he looks at Matt and hands him at least 20 shirts. Matt looks at them and yells, "FUCKING AFI???" and drops them on the floor.

"Ok we're going to go to Starbucks but I only have a 100 dollar bill" - Kelly
"They're not gonna take that shit" - Me
"Try anyway, you know...RICH people..." - Tommy

Well we tried. We got our drink. We drank. We drank some more. There was no change. We stood at the drive thru forever. Finally, the manager comes to the door.

"Guys, you've been here a lot of times before, right?" - Manager
"Yeah all the time" - Kelly
"Drink is on me, just come back and buy something else later with smaller change" -Manager
"AWESOME!!" - Me

In conclusion, this Wednesday, watch out for the best pig and the blankets in the world. And, this week, have as much fun as possible..because it's coming, it's coming...oh my fucking God it's only two weeks away.

It's coming and we can't stop it. It's worse than Satan.

S----l. It's such a bad word, I have to censor it.


P.S. Rachel likes S----l. LETS KILL HER!!!