What's on My Mind

Mr. Canon, Stuff, and Stuff

August 25, 2003

My, my, fucking my! After a week and a day of school, I'm already through with it! Senioritus has kicked in! Lenee and I had it the second day of school. Believe me boys and girls, it's spreading like wildfire - especially when I know I'm going to school for only two major classes, and the rest I sit around and waste pen ink or my beautiful voice. Not really though, because I love drama.

I also like lunch, and I also like my prediction that it would cost 25 cents more to eat ANYTHING in the cafeteria. Fucking...pricks.

"MATT! Blah, blah blah, blah" - Kelly Caskey
"Kelly, you have no right to talk, fucking cunt" - Me


It's of complete saddness that I bring to your attention the death of our beautiful songwriting friend, Wesley Willis. Wesley was 40 years old and was diagonsed with lukemia. He sadly didn't win the battle. If you don't know who Wesley is, type his name in Kazaa, and I promise you, you'll laugh for a very good long time. Some of my favorites are Rock N Roll McDonalds (that's the song that got me hooked), Cut that Mullet, The Vultures ate my dead ass, and They Threw Me Out of Church.

Still on a sad note, but always a beautiful thing to bring up, I found out the great news on the money we donated in behalf of Tim's name to the library. We got a bunch of books! Yay! We donated $210 to the library from all the gracious amounts of people who bought shirts from us that horrible and tragic week.

Whenever I get off my lazy ass, I'll put Amazon.com pictures on the site of the books that are going to be in the memorial. But for now, lets use those pretty bulleted lists and let me show you what books you could see around the library with TW's name in them donated to our beautiful and wonderful friend Tim:

  • Fierce Pajamas, a collection of funny stories from The New Yorker Magazine
  • Ultimate Stock Car by Bill Center, and that's basically self-explanatory I hope. If not, you're an idiot.
  • American Drag Racing by Robert Genat, another book that's self-explanatory.
  • 100 Years of American Auto by James M. Flammang, which I'm guessing is what it means. Car lovers, check out this book! It's huge (600+ pages) and is extremely detailed.
  • Big Book of Race Cars is another, but I'm not 100 percent sure on the author on this one, because there's two different books with this name, and I can't remember which one the library bought. Either way, it's called the same thing.

    There was also one more book, but many of you would be completely dumbfounded by why I picked it. Fahrenheit 451 was lying on the shelf, and it was available for library donation. It was the only one I could pick that seemed right. This was my reasoning:

    "I think that if Tim was still with us today, he would have loved to burn books with me."

    For a second, I thought I popped the greatest joke in the entire world as the librarians laughed and laughed like I was George Carlin speaking on behalf of people who enjoy farting. All I know is, they loved what I said, they love all of us for donating, and I can't thank all of you enough for buying the shirts, wearing them proudly, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS, and supporting Tim with such a great cause. Although our library isn't exactly the world's best, it's such a great thing to see such a proud memorial in his name. Mr.Canon

    Mr. HP Last night, Miles promptly accused me of switching over to Canon. He also asked me if I'm soon to buy a Canon lanyard, instead of the HP one I'm wearing right now. Believe me, losing Mr. HP was a tremendous blow for me and the site. I could take anything I could get.

    Due to Mr. HP II, my old camera that lasted for a year and one month, having a warranty based in Office Depot, I was really screwed over because I could only use the check I recieved back from the warranty company in Office Depot itself. And well, guess what? Not only could I not get an HP camera, there was only one camera they had for 199 bucks, and it was a Kodak, and believe me, Mr.Kodak is the second most homosexual name in the planet, first being Ben Pequeno.

    Now that I'm being nameist (I guess the only reason I don't like Kodak is cause of its stupid name, so nameist is a new word I'm making up right now, and if you're someone who doesn't like it, you're either 1) an english teacher or 2) some prick who can't take changes in society and therefore you're everything I hate. But that's totally ok.

    Let me talk about Mr. Canon now. This camera is actually two-tenths a megapixel lower than Mr. HP. But believe me, you can't tell. Actually, most of you were shocked to know this camera wasn't 3 megapixels. A megapixel, btw, is a million pixels, which is a very small dot that no one can really see in a picture. The more the megapixels, the bigger the picture, therefore, the better the quality.

    Not only does this camera take great pictures, the flash is extremely powerful, it can hold a little bit more pictures, it has 12 incredible shooting modes, and the one that's the most important - yes fans - it takes fucking video. Not since the days of Mr.Intel have we been able to shoot movies, and believe me, these movies are so fucking beautiful. If you would like to see me dancing to the tune of Lean on Me by Maestro Timothy Brockman of the Houston Symphony of Cocksucking, I'll be delighted to send you the final. Be prepared however - this is a very large file, and only the beautiful people can view it.

    Mr. Canon has already had some intercepts with the fucking Kroger law-inforcement. This extremely pitiful girl that most of you hate, Crystal Tenni, decides that she's going to try and be an Italian mobster because her name ends in a fucking vowel, and trys to take over the Baytown family by trying to take my camera away.

    Burnham and I were taking stupid pictures in Kroger when she comes from the fucking blue and says, "Excuse me, I'm going to have to confinscate that camera, because I'm so ugly and if I go near it I can break it therefore ruining your precious money." I say right back, in a funny voice, "Oh I'm sorry, that just won't be possible!"

    Then the tramp runs across Kroger, AND I MEAN THIS, ACTUALLY RUNNING, to find the manager. The manager looks at me, who's a woman I might add, and asks what I'm doing with the camera. I say, "I'm taking pictures of my friend right here." Then she looks at me closely and I say, "Oh, and I'm also taking pictures of the merchandise, I'm from Randalls." The manager rolls her eyes and walks away.

    Crystal Tenni loses her first battle with the Baytown organized crime family. I give her a beautiful big Matt Impelluso smile (fuck you) and Jeremy and I have our fun by calling her an ugly bitch. She has the same facial features of Kelly Caskey, but Kelly's face isn't a big chunk of vomit, it's actually pretty.

    This brings me to the question, why the hell is Kroger so god damn paranoid about outside photography? I mean, they're the largest grocery store in Baytown right now. They're parking lot is almost more than half full when we visit for The Masticators. So what's Kroger's beef? (Hahaha, beef, they sell fucking beef there too!) Well, I've come to the conclusion that Kroger is like one of those low self esteem girls who won't let you take any pictures of them, but in reality, they're really good looking, you know? So basically, Kroger is half the teenage girl population. I guess that makes HEB the dirty Mexican whore, and Wal-Mart white-trash palace.

    Mr. Canon however, in his two days of working, has preformed what I would like to call - beautifully. When the flash is on, there is not one single picture that is blurry. When the flash is off, I can't begin to say how blurry everything is. Maybe it's because the focus is better, I don't know. But let me just say this - this is the best camera we've ever had, even better than Jeff's that we used for two weeks because this camera isn't as bulky, and we had so much trouble with Jeff's because unless you were completely still, it would be blurry. Jeff's camera is good for still shots, absolutely, but for what we do, it wasn't made for the job. Jeff did a good job with the pictures at Seattle though.

    So welcome Mr. Canon to the TW Family. This is the 5th TW camera since December 25, 2000. Wow! Lets all touch ourselves where the sun doesn't fucking shine! Come by and say hello to Mr.Canon, for he is always with me, working the day shift.


    This week had a lot of different adventures. One of them included us tricking Burnham. He's such a bad boy. He wanted pornography, WHICH ALL OF YOU KNOW IS BAD AND ILLEGAL TILL WE'RE 18, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE EVEN THOUGHT OF SUCH A THING, and Tommy and I played the best joke ever on him. Yes, we bought him a gay porn magazine. Actually, I'm lying, we bought him something even better: Body and Soul, and on the top cover it's talking about No Period? No PMS? No Problem. The three P's. I'm so glad I'm not a woman, I hope all you other guys feel the same way.

    Burnham obviously, was pissed off at all of us, but that's totally ok, because, I mean, he is Burnham.

    I would like to briefly speak about our numerous guests who are now appearing on The Masticators. If you are interested in being a guest, I've already written your name down if you contacted me about it. This week, if there is a conflict with one of the members, Trey from The Horrid Affair will be next in line. After that, it would be my baby Hurr, aka Harrison Beautiful Girl Fama.

    As you know, Trey W, Kelly (Senior Vice President), and Walter have all hosted since this new season has begun. If you are interested, please show interest and IM me as soon as possible, I'll try to get you in. That is, if we like you. Also, we are always excepting employee forms, but remember that I'm the laziest mother fucker in the entire world.

    Absolutely every single one of you, actually, everyone and the fucking Pope thought the picture of the Asian boy getting a shot with "OWNED!!" on the top of the picture was the funniest thing you've probably ever seen, or something that can always make you laugh. I've decided till Graduation, I'm going to put that picture in one column a month for the rest of the year. I've never heard so many positive responses about a picture before. There's usually something that stands out in Go Digital, but this was madness. Thank you freshman volunteer - soon to be employee Chris Sorelle for supplying this image. (When I first saw it, I told him he was hired on the spot).

    Oh, anything my Sophomore President Ben Pequeno says to you is probably 1) a lie; 2) something that makes no sense; 3) a perverted sexual reference. Don't talk to him unless you'll agree to listen to all three of those things.

    So how was the first week of school? How did YOU feel about it? Well, pretty soon, I'm going to open a Polls section for you guys to tell me how it was. All of you are beautiful, I'd just like to make that apparent to all of you. I was talking to Rachel the other day, and I really realized - she's not.

    I was going to put a funny quote on here, but I totally fucking forgot. Therefore, I'm going to end with a short bow. On Wednesday, we're making Bread Pudding. Don't miss that, it's gonna be fucking messy. Also, this weekend seems to be of great proportions, so if you're invited, you better fucking be there.

    "Matthew Jesus Christ Impelluso" - Brian Clay