What's on My Mind

The Funniest Things

November 22, 2003

YAY!!!! WE CAN TAKE SHITS NOW! (08-09-02)

I flush the toliet, and my toliet says, "Hey, fuck you." (09-03-02)

NO ONE BOMBED DAMN MONTANA. (09-06-02)

WE WON A FOOTBALL GAME. WE ARE AT .500. WE WON. A GAME. FOOTBALL. FOOSEBALL. FOOTBALL. FUTBOL DE NORTEAMERICANO. AMERICAN FOOTBALL. NOT SOCCER. FOOTBALL. Ok, I'm done. (09-12-02)

Tommy, Kelly...I think its time for us to take a shopping cart across Garth Road again, mmmmkay? (09-19-02)

Kelly throws me my hat like a quarterback, and the Jerry Rice I am, I catch it wonderfully. (09-22-02)

...and I told her I couldn't get in trouble, cause if I did, I'll get deported. (09-22-02)

YOU WIN A FUNNEL TO STICK UP YOUR ASS WHILE I POUR HOT ENGINE OIL DOWN IT!! (09-26-02)

If you don't know what Pirating is, look it up, then slap yourself. (09-26-02)

THAT'S LIKE FLYING A PLANE WHEN YOUR NINE!! NINE I SAY, NINE!! (10-03-02)

I get a D-Hall FOR SAYING I DIDN'T HAVE A LAST NAME!!! (10-03-02)

"Mrs. Phillips, instead of using just a letter variable, can we use variableSweetAction instead?" (10-09-02)

If you'd like to pet Lady, the cost would be $500 in advance, and $1000 at the door. Hey, she's a mascot, leave her the FUCK alone! (11-14-02)

She landed flat on her breasts, yes, I can say breasts, cause its my fuckin website, and the floor shook. (11-23-02)

Gig em. - A&M Hook em. - UT Fuck em. - TW (11-23-02)

I thought it was dumb, but as TW's owner, official chairman, CEO, CIO, president, vice-president, secretary, webmaster, and nurse, I said nothing to be the party pooper. (11-29-02)

If Best Buy were a girl, I'd do it. I would do it. If Frys were a girl, I would do it. If Best Buy and Frys got naked at the same time, I would do Best Buy, cause Best Buy doesn't treat me like shit. Thanks. (11-29-02)

I then preceeded to give him a drop kick to the face, and he landed ten feet away (11-29-02)

Nick was laughing so hard, he threw up his pizza and cake. Happy birthday buddy!! (11-29-02)

"YOU BOTH HAD THE ANSWER I'M A LITTLE GIRL ON YOUR QUESTIONS!" (12-06-02)

Oh, man, I eat pie. (12-15-02)

Third off: Kelly Kinkel, I love you. (12-18-02)

This subject is so stupid, I'm going to stop now, because its so damn dumb. (12-27-02)

It wasn't till about five seconds later I realized, THE ROBBERS STOLE MY FUCKING LETTER JACKET WITH MY LAST NAME SEWED ON THE BACK OF IT!!!!! (12-31-02)

THE ROCKY THEME IS AWESOME BUT I HAVE TO GET BACK ON TOPIC NOW!! (01-06-03)

"YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE YOU! MCDONALDS KICKS BURGER KING IN THE ASS! I FUCKING HATE YOUR STUPID MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE! BURGER KING TASTES LIKE BIG PIECES OF MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! [takes phone and places it in the air] HEY MARLEY, I'M RUBBING THE PHONE ON MY CROUCH RIGHT NOW [and I do it, and hang up.] (01-06-03)

On a brighter note, Rachel Barajas is a piece of shit. (01-06-03)

Rachel told me that if Kelly said the word nigger really loud in Lee he'd die. Kelly, I advise you give it a try anyway. (01-06-03)

The 4th Sixth Weeks is the worst Six Weeks of all of them, according to the Matt Impelluso Foundation of the Gay and Lesbian Children of Idaho. (01-06-03)

That person definitely has to be......PIECE OF SHIT RACHEL BARAJAS CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN A FREE PIECE OF SHIT THAT COMES STRAIGHT OUT OF ALL THE VETERAN'S ASSHOLES! (01-06-03)

My facial expression: You would think I'm gay, that's how wide my mouth was. (01-10-03)

McKinkel III, has turned 17, such a magical feat for someone who jumps off bridges daily and risks his life weekly while me and Tommy are making magical chocolate milk surprise. (01-15-03)

The next day, Kelly said his first words: "OH FUCK!" (01-15-03)

he's said the phrase OH FUCK unneccessarily more than any other person in the world, cause, I know everyone in the world. (01-15-03) Kelly bought a shirt that says "I hate slaves" but just kidding. (01-15-03)

I'm also declaring MARTIAL LAW on anyone who thinks its cool to just STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING HALLWAY TO TALK ABOUT HOW PURPLE THEIR VAGINAS ARE! (01-21-03)

CAUSE I'M STRAIGHT AND I WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE BOYS SIMALTANEOUSLY WHILE EATING PIZZA! (01-21-03)

Actually, you know what? Fuck you, class of 2005, because you're the stupid assholes we're taking the test for. Nevermind. No more defense for you. I hope you all fail. Stupid asses. (01-21-03)

"Dude, at the presentation, if you're dancing with Blair, at the end, just stoop down and kiss her chest" - Jeremy (02-12-03)

Target now allows nudists to enter the store. Just kidding, Kelly. (02-12-03)

If one of your pet peeves is people who cuss toO much, get the fuck over yourself. (02-12-03)

HOLY GOD I GOTTA SHIT MY ASSHOLE OUT! (02-12-03)

All the bad words are dedicated to the Deaf Children's Society of America, because they can't hear how funny they sound. (02-12-03)

If you brutally offended, I suggest you go to Crayola.com and draw a picture of you going down on George Bush. Thanks. (02-12-03)

If I do better than Cheryl Morrill on any test, I either cheated or Cheryl was on drugs. (02-17-03)

When Tommy heard the idea, he litteraly shat in his pants. (02-17-03)

Hicks go there that think they're Jesus Christ. Well, since they're not, and I am, I got really mad. (02-24-03)

I also noticed from the blood pressure machine that Jeff has a vagina. (02-24-03)

If high school is supposed to prepare you for college, doesn't that mean that they are totally unpreparing us for gangbangs, fuckfests, and wild sex at the fraternities around school (02-27-03)

Rachel will definitely be stepping up to the stage for that one, doing some polka dance. (03-03-03)

Congrats Mrs.May for having her baby. Teach him cuss words ASAP. (03-03-03)

Out of topic, Rachel Barajas is the complete opposite of Blake and is a big piece of donkey shit. Thank You. (03-17-03)

Alright, fat people, I got some FUCKING BEEF WITH YOU, AND IT'S MY FUCKING BEEF SO DON'T FUCKING TRY AND STEAL IT, FAT SHITS. (03-31-03)

DO YOU KNOW HOW PISSED OFF I WAS?? I WAS SO FUCKING MAD I ALMOST THREATENED TO SHOVE MY BROTHER'S MOUTH OPEN AND STICK MY HAND ALL THE WAY INTO HIS STOMACH AND RETRIEVE MY COOKIES AND STICK THEM UP HIS ASSHOLE. (03-31-03)

God, I gotta take a shit again, brb. (03-31-03)

Iraq: No one gives a flying fuck anymore. (04-07-03)

I lied. Rachel eats fetuses. (04-07-03)

"Hello?" (Silence) "Hello???" HELLO???? HELLO?!?!?!? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, HELLO? HEY, ARE YOU THERE LISTENING TO ME? OK WELL GET THIS, YOU CAN FUCKING SUCK MY BIG FAT DICK MOTHER FUCKER. YOU EVER CALL HERE AGAIN AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU" (05-04-03)

Oh my Jesus Christ of Nazareth I'm making my columns gushy. No I'm not. Rachel's a skinny short roach infested whore. (05-26-03)

Here are some more things that make me want to do kung fu to the GCCISD administration (06-01-03)

"RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" FUCK THAT. (07-16-03)

CAN ANYONE SAY, BULLSHIT? VOMIT? HORSE RADISH? JACKASS? DUMB SHIT? CACA? DODO? CRAP? MANURE? LAWN FERTILIZER? PELLETS?? (07-16-03)

They called the cops when we ordered them a pizza. LOLOL. (07-16-03)

So next time someone tells you to respect your elders, you ask, "Why?" And when they can't give you a real answer, you say, "Respect the future of fucking America." (07-16-03)

P.S. RACHEL BARAJAS IS BANNED FROM NEW YORK BECAUSE ACCORDING TO NEW YORK HEALTH ORDINANCES A PERSON CANNOT SMELL WORSE THAN A RAT TO LIVE OR VISIT NEW YORK CITY AND AS WE ALL KNOW RACHEL EXCEEDS THIS QUALITY BY SUCH AN EXTENT THAT IT'S UNMEASURABLE. (07-16-03)

If you cheat on someone - YOU ARE FUCKING SATAN. I don't care WHO you are. (08-03-03)

Not only that, everyone in The Masticators is so different. We got Tommy who likes hardcore music, and we got Tim who likes buttplugs. We got Jeff who likes girls naked, and we got KK who likes using astrices to express her emotions. Blake loves cars. I hate cars. I like...trains. (08-03-03)

Why does Tommy wanna do this? Cause he fucking likes fruit, that's why. Fruit is stuck so far up his ass the acid is killing his colon. (08-03-03)

"Oh God!" says Tommy as he runs into a bunch of shirts. He picks them up, tries to put them back on the rack, but fails. Then, he looks at Matt and hands him at least 20 shirts. Matt looks at them and yells, "FUCKING AFI???" and drops them on the floor. (08-03-03)

S----l. It's such a bad word, I have to censor it. (08-03-03)

Wow, I'm using such offensive words! (08-07-03)

P.S. Rachel likes to eat dog shit. SORRY. SORRY. (08-07-03)

"MATT! Blah, blah blah, blah" - Kelly Caskey "Kelly, you have no right to talk, fucking cunt" - Me (08-07-03)

Crystal Tenni loses her first battle with the Baytown organized crime family. (08-25-03)

P.S. ALL JUDGES FOR THE HOT BABE CONTEST MUST START THINKING OF GIRLS TO SELECT. IF YOU DON'T I WILL FUCKING GET MY BROTHER TO SIT ON ALL OF YOU, AND THAT'S A DEATH THREAT! (08-25-03)

First off, I have to say, DAMN THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF YOU. (09-02-03)

Bitch. Asshole. Dog shit. Whore monger. Whorebag. Mother. Fucker. POS. Piece of shit. Short. Assholio. Anti-Cool. Prep. Poser. Nigger. Jew. Nazi. Facist. Brian Burnham. (09-02-03)

*sticks PVC pipe up ASS* (09-02-03)

Anyway, I think random comments work extremely well on TW, don't you? Well if you don't think so, FUCK OFF! Thanks! (09-02-03)

"Alright, so we're all in agreement, when we get back to school, we all FUCK becky in the ass - unlubricated - FIVE COCKS IN THE FUCKING ASSHOLE at the same time!" (09-02-03)

"Find out his name, then fucking kill his family" (09-02-03)

AND BRIAN WALKS IN WITH FUCKING BACON AND POTATO WEDGES, AND THAT'S THE POINT WHERE I STICK THE PVC PIPE BACK UP MY ASS (09-02-03)

I laughed. It feels good to be back in school again. Wait, I'm on acid, nevermind. (09-14-03)

It's ok though, cause I'm a wop. (09-17-03)

Then I got into more indepth thinking than my usual, and figured, Wait a minute, Jonathan is a gook! (09-17-03)

Billy was yelling and bitching at Jonathan for over 20 minutes. Now, I know I exaggerate, but this isn't a lie - Billy fucking used every racial slur in the god damn world. I've never seen a black gook...wait...TIGER WOODS! Tiger Woods and fucking Jonathan are a couple! (09-17-03)

TIME FOR ME TO DIE. Vote on Friday. Then after you're done voting, come to you know where. And, then watch Billy insert. Ew. Tommy's butt ew. Ew. Ew. (09-17-03)

Oh, Tommy really did make up "bacon y stuff." But, I made up "pretty y platanos" a couple of nights ago when I was trippin on some Sunny Delight. (09-17-03)

Five minutes later, the three favorite words comes out of Billy's mouth. "....God damn it." (09-30-03)

PsYcHo MaTt 316: and my asshole feels like being done by a black man (09-30-03)

That's totally ok though, I'm just going to laugh and eat some salsbury steak. (10-07-03)

I'm expecting a tie breaker. Just kidding. That would suck majorly, fucking recounting all the votes. This isn't Florida. We stick to one decision. (10-07-03)

Let me clarify something with all of you. SENIOR RESEARCH PAPER IS FUCKING TRASH. 100 NOTECARDS = FUCKING TRASH. IT BEING SUCH A HUGE PART OF OUR GRADE = FUCKING TRASH. thanks! (10-07-03)

P.S. Once upon a time there was a Jew walking down the hallway and I yelled out "Hey Jew!" and the Jew didn't look back, but Tim Brockman did.(10-07-03)

The Research Paper. FUCK YOU! (10-15-03)

100 notecards. "You won't use all your notecards." THEN WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO WRITE 100 NOTECARDS IF WE WON'T USE THEM ALL? *THROWS PACKAGE OF NOTECARDS AT WAL-MART WORKER, WAL-MART WORKER FALLS, DIES, BLEEDS TO DEATH* Whoops! (10-15-03)

And on Friday, while trying to buy a football program, which I think I left at the fucking stadium, a woman said, "Aren't you that reporter guy?" Hard-On DELUXE. (10-15-03)

ROOOOOOAAARRRR I HATE EMO!!!!! (10-15-03)

On Monday night, I was looking at myself and realizing how big of a fucking pussy I am. (10-15-03)

YES, RAID IT - ROB IT. HOW THE FUCK WAS I GOING TO ROB THE STORE? FIRST OFF, THE CLOSEST THING TO A WEAPON I HAD WAS A FUCKING CAMERA! Well, I also had my penis, and I should have DEFINITELY slapped that across her face. (10-25-03)

In total, I've said pussy five times. Pussy. Six. (10-25-03)

I'm not going to do this. I'm not recieving any personal sastification by reading Charles Dickens, because I hate him." (10-25-03)

Recap: Hate Crystal Tenning, Hate Rachel Barajas, Love your best friends, Hate pussies, Be happy, Don't care, Don't do homework, Don't read Charles Dickens, Hate Crystal Tenning, Don't write Mytholology, and Take shits on the toliet while reading the Chronicle. (10-25-03)