Appropriate title for the following weekend of weirdness, funnyness, and just plain awesomeness. These categories exceed to the following major subjects: 1) Walking 49 bringing twice as many people as any other band at Fitzgeralds, and currently the Number 1 band in Houston according to Fitzgeralds standards; 2) Getting kicked out of the Galleria for life; 3) Watching Nick throw up after he eats his birthday cake.
The reason why I didn't update in a while has been my odd sickness, which you'll be reading on in a second.
Galleria II Begins
Its quite possible that this Monday was quite the fuckfest, especially when this has been our second fuckfest in a row where the manager, or police officers have to tell us that we're not behaving properly and that we should leave.
If you need some refreshing, Elizabeth, some 35 year old bitchy manager at Target, decided it'd be fun to tell us that we're the guests and she's the host. Actually, if it wasn't for our guestness, you wouldn't be a host, you'd be scrubbing in KMart's nasty ass bathrooms. So before you kick us out of Target's third wonderful fuckfest, be grateful that YOUR store is the official fuckfest store for The Warzone. (I sound like a fucking commerical)
It all started at 5:30 in the morning. I was still recovering from this out-of-no-where sickness that like totally killed me the past two days. I ODed on this Advil Flu and Body Ache and was fine for the time being. At 5:30, I took one pill, woke up at 6:30, still had a fever of 101.1, and took another. By 8:30, I was totally fine. I was UNDER temperture. Its a miracle by Jesus. Or, maybe, Advil is just really kick ass. Ok, Advil wins.
Nick Reasoner, Brian Gustin, Andrew Masterson, and yours truly are the Galleria II roster, and we hope to bring America total destruction with our long hair.
The Usual I mean, the usual happened. It wasn't like we did anything out of the ordinary. We took pictures, we did shit, we wanted to take shits, and so forth. Nick bought a memory card from Electronics Boutique. We ate at the Cajun place, and Andrew made us partially agree with him that 8 dollars for cajun food is wasting money.
We took some trips up and down the Financial Center elevators. Nick decided it would be funny to wait right in front of the door and scare the person that was coming out. Luckily, it was an early thirties, white businessman who laughed. I was surprised.
We walked around the mall some more. Brian found this CD called "Chris Cox : 12 inches of cox" in the import CD section at Fye, and all we can do was laugh. Check out the family filled installment of the FUCKFEST in Go Digital. (Catch the comedic irony there).
Nick is OBSESSED with these vomit flavored jelly beans. They were made by Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Many of you hate it, many of you love it, all I have to say is, anybody that makes their own vomit flavored jelly beans can just do themselves in the butt. Really, who wants that shit? Oh, Nick, I forgot.
Nick then had to go to the post office to get some money order. I didn't even know the post office made money orders. Then again, I'm from New York, and I don't go to post offices to spread my holiday cheer. I've been to the post office twice in my life, and I will tell you of the last occurance in a bit.
After the post office, I felt a strange urge in my small intestine that it was time. It was definitely time.
I begged, I pleaded. Finally, Andrew decided it was also time. We went to the the sixth floor to do our "annual" mission to the bathroom.
Urine Trouble!! Funny, funny catch line from 9th grade, the glory days, and Nick has brought it back with extreme comedy. Boys and girls, in the next 30 minutes, I was trying to withhold my laughter for the Houston Police Department, on how god damn stupid they all are. If they're reading this website, I would just like to let you know that you need to fight real crime, and not Brian Gustin trashing 7th floor business restrooms in the Galleria district. THANKS.
Ok, well, this is what was going on. Nick and I were taking a shit, in seperate stalls. Sorry, we haven't come out of the armoir yet, Herbie. Anyway, Brian thought it would be funny to throw paper towels at us. They came from the ceiling, from the floor, from Jesus, from Satan. I believed most came from Jesus. I thought it was dumb, but as TW's owner, official chairman, CEO, CIO, president, vice-president, secretary, webmaster, and nurse, I said nothing to be the party pooper. I mean, it was just funny.
Brian also decided to flood the urinal with more paper towels. That would piss off some Houston yuppies. (Yuppies - makes the preps look like someone who lives in the projects of the South Bronx. But hey, nothing wrong with the South Bronx - the Yankees inhabit that area, and so does my spirit. (All of you: Matt, get the fuck out of here))
While Nick and I were pleasantly releasing waste, a gentleman, or should I say, fucking snitch prick bitch from Merril Lynch, decided to tattle on the mess Brian made. I'm blaming this all on Brian, cause since we're not in trouble, he's the cool one. At the same time when the man came in, Nick started to tell a joke, and we were just nonchalantly sitting in our stalls, shitting away like it was us trying to skip class.
We walked out, and stupid me, I didn't suggest that we take the stairs back down to the 6th floor, the floor we came on in the first place. A police officer walked by, and that kind of made me think a little. We walked down the main plaza strip of the Galleria, trying to go back to Neiman Marcus, back to the woman Nick asked if he could a makeover to. Her name was Dorthoy, but I'm so sure that's not how you spell it, and I usually spell everything correctly, so you can all shoot me in the balls for this one.
We saw another officer, and this guy STOPPED us! He was like, boys, wait a minute. Then, this big, black fat woman rent-a-cop security from the mall decided it'd be nice to drop in also. The other cop that was on the 7th floor saw the mess and came back down and tried to piss all over us.
Now, everytime I get in trouble, I'm usually laughing. Why? 1) Because, being from New York, I see that if I WAS in New York, I didn't do anything wrong. When you think about it, everything the Texas government and school system blamed me for doing wrong was just their stupid Republican way of thinking. Too bad I'm a Communist, so it sucks to be me. 2) I didn't even do this, it was Brian, but since I suggested the restroom, I would have taken responsibility, but Brian came right out and said he did it. Good man, we applaud you Brian. 3) Usually, when I get in trouble, I know why the other kids (not in the case) but in the other cases that are dragged along with me, they are worried their parents are going to ground them. Well, see, since I didn't do anything wrong, and it wasn't anything bad at all, my parents wouldn't care, since they're awesome, from New York, democrats, and not stupid nazis like everyone elses parents, minus the very cool, minute few.
Well I was smiling, really wide, We had to clean up the restroom. Actually, I didn't even touch, ok yeah I did. I helped dry the floor a little from the mess Brian made taking out the papers from the urinal.
The cops basically kicked us out of the Galleria, thought we were druggies, long-hair sons of bitches, and lovers of Bin Laden. (I was wearing my rm -rf bin/laden shirt)
Today's date is 11-25-02, 11 being my most hated number, 25 being my most loved, and 2 being one of two favorite numbers (5 is the other one). Then again, Galleria I had the entire date being my worst hated number, so, sucks to be me.
The Galleria Fuckfest has been retired for a while. LOL.
Fried I hate Frys. Most of you are about to kill me because I said that, but its true. Look at the store. Its a big piece of gorgeous shit. Its like a really hot girl that treats everyone like shit. Ok, its not even a really hot girl, its just a hot girl that treats everyone like shit. Most of you know who I could be talking about. It lures you in. Its so big and lucious. Its awesome. Its great to you at first. And, then, you realize, what? What? Frys? Fuck Frys, Best Buy, 84 MILLION TIMES BETTER!!!
If Best Buy were a girl, I'd do it. I would do it. If Frys were a girl, I would do it. If Best Buy and Frys got naked at the same time, I would do Best Buy, cause Best Buy doesn't treat me like shit. Thanks.
Ok, why does Frys suck? Let me give you a bulleted list.
Ok, this is what happens when Matt Impelluso walks into Frys. Everyone stares at him, because they know he is Jesus with computers, especially software. This one guy decided that he knew more then me, just because my processor was busted. No thanks. I was making jokes about how I had a Japanese motherboard and how it sucks total ass. Nope. He didn't laugh, he basically said, "IT WAS MADE AN AMERICA, YOU STUPID ITALIAN SON OF A BITCH!!" I then preceeded to give him a drop kick to the face, and he landed ten feet away, with his fat buldge of a belly sticking out, acting as of it were Medusa, blinding people that were walking by.
Nick, Brian, and Andrew bought these expensive fruit drinks that don't even matter in life. They need a Starbucks badly. Fuck Frys.
In conclusion, Frys isn't good. Look for rebates. Rebates are Jesus. Then realize, Frys means nothing to us. At all. Buy your motherboard and processor at Frys if you drive, burn it up tons of times, then bring it back to get replacements. That's always the fun thing to do.
Westheimer We parallel parked on Westheimer for some fun in the sun. Well, not really. This section is going to be sort of short. We went to a couple of places that sold clothes people gave away, so I mean, Andrew Mastersonville right there. lol. Oh, no dissing towards Andrew, they have some funny and sexy clothes there.
Brian found the a Hillary Clinton mask. Nuff said.
Nick found a Butthead mask. Nuff said.
I found a Texas A&M Bowling shirt from like the 40's. No one cares.
Andrew wanted to get his lip pierced. He didn't.
After visiting the stores and purchasing Butthead, we ventured all the way, and I mean all the way down Westheimer to I-10. Nick was getting so whiny about being in black and mexican neighborhoods that I wanted to punch him. I mean, what are the chances we really were going to get shot? Its not white teenagers never drive through in vans. Jesus Christ Nick.
"Ok, if I-10 is in twenty seconds, you're giving me all a blowjob" - Matt
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine..." - Andrew
"DUDE, NO FAIR, THAT'S A GOD DAMN RED LIGHT!!!" - Matt
"Sorry Matt" - Nick
"NO!!!!" - Matt
"Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty...." - Andrew
[Light turns green, sees I-10 is only 30 feet away] "DUDE, I WOULD HAVE SHOWN YOUR ASSES!!! ITS RIGHT HERE! FUCK ALL OF YOU!" - Matt
So a damn red light had to piss on me. I would have won god damn it!
Cakeish Fun We traveled around Baytown for a while, because I had to make a pit stop at Jenna and Tim's, then we went to look at some sexy vehicles, then we stopped by a bonfire of leaves, then we stopped by Red Lobster in a Butthead mask, and then we went back to Nick's.
After some...not so delicious Papa Johns, (I hate Papa Johns more then life), we played some games for a while, and after some cake, Nick decided it would be fun to go play with Max, Nick's dog. Well, the boys were pulling Max for a long time, and he was one mean pup. Then, Andrew sends Max straight into one of Nick's supports for his little patio area, and that was it. We all started laughing, and Nick was laughing so hard, he threw up his pizza and cake. Happy birthday buddy!!
After cleaning up the mess, we went upstairs to see if the Crystal Ball would be right about certain things in life. I started asking it random questions. I asked if Jill would ever come around and we might get back together or something, and Crystal Ball basically said, "This question is way too complicated for my small penis." I didn't care, I just wanted to see what it said, cause it said the same thing back in August. I then asked if I was going to get a visitor on Saturday, and it said no! I was sad. :(. It came to conclusions that someone was in love with me, and that got me happy though, although Crystal Ball Bot is full of shit, because I also asked it if Nick had a small penis, and it said no, but just kidding. I asked if all black boys had 10 inch penises, and he said, "Yes." I asked if Andrew and Nick were going to do it tonight, and he said yes. Crystal Ball Bot is FULL OF SHIT!!!!
Walking 49 and Shirts I have nothing else to say but that if you have their album, throw it away, and listen to them live. They are the most incredible thing live, and I love them to death. I think they possible love me too, but I'm not currently available for dating.
On Sunday, they won Battle of the Bands, Round One, at least, bringing 118 people to Fitzgeralds, one of the most respected music bars in Houston. The second top band brought 54. Actually, its the only one that's really respected, and the Engine Room is just a little bit bigger.
I said they were talented, but they're not talented, they're fucking awesome. I even like the music. Everyone knows how stingy I am. Such a good band. Jared and I are kicking ass and making shirts for Walking 49, and guess what, once those are made, TW Shirts, NO FUCKING JOKE this time.
The Hot Babe T-Shirt, the pink shirt with yellow text, was created. It is sitting in Team Outfitters. Its time to make those shirts, one year in contrast from when we