What's on My Mind

FUCKFESTS, Christmas Holidays

NDecember 1, 2003

Today I woke up and I screamed "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF HEATER DO I HAVE?" I looked down at this heater, which is smaller than Brian Clay's ass (which isn't saying much considering his ass is the size of fucking Jupiter) and I kicked it across the room. Then I screamed a whole lot because I wasn't wearing shoes and I broke a toenail and then I screamed "NIGGER!"

That entire story was made up. I was cold this morning, because my heater is a fucking pussy. I'm talking about, it's a bigger pussy than pussified people. At 33 degrees outside, my room was 32. I pulled a layer of frost off my mangrowth. I don't give a shit if I'm from New York or if I'm from fucking Nome, it IS FUCKING COLD when this is no heater working in your room.

Speaking of New York, if you didn't read my newsboard post, I am going to New York instead of staying home like I said in my last column. I'm leaving at 7:20 in the morning on Monday, the 22nd, and coming back on Wednesday, the 31st, right in time for me and Kelly to kiss at 12:00. Kelly Kincl. My new girlfriend. (Jeremy and I had problems, so we decided to end it so we wouldn't ruin the friendship)


Talk about bad luck. My laziness slapped me back in the face today. It slapped me so hard I felt like I was colored and back in the Civil War. I'm so racist, I'm so sorry. It's ok though, I hate everyone equally. Thank you Timothy Karl Brockman for that quote.

So I was in Economics, and yesterday, what I thought was the hardest test ever wasn't - I made a 75. So, we got to correct it. We then got our progress reports. I made an 86 the first six weeks, and 84 the second, and currently, I have an 80. The only way to exempt is if I made like an 83.5. Well, with the test corrections, I would have made an 83 for the semester. And I look at my result: 84.225. CALL ME A FUCKING RICE PICKER AND SLAP ME BACK TO FUCKING ASIA. 225?? 84??? Jesus. I was so close, that's not even funny. That's hilarious. To Billy. Because he's a fucking sadist.

I did have some good luck though. Instead of actually studying for my Chaucer "Canterbury Tales" Prologue we had to read memorized to my English teacher, I talked on the phone instead, ate some cheese, touched some girls, etc. Every line missed would be like 5.5 points off. I missed like, 7 lines, AT LEAST. That should be at least 38.5 points off. Instead, I made an 83. I have no idea how or why. All I know is, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard, second to the death of Audrey Hepburn, BECAUSE HER VOICE IN MY FAIR LADY IS MORE ANNOYING THAN MY VOICE IN THIS: [LETS BAKE BROWNIES WITH OUR PUSSY JUICE!]

More good luck: Right before we all die for an English test, the fire alarm rings in happiness and merriness in everybody. We were outside for a good 20 minutes. But, that didn't matter at all, because we had to take the test the next day anyway.

This wasn't a test. This was more of a personal Holocaust for English AP Students school-wide, minus the pussies in the other English AP class who don't do jack shit but that's ok because I wish I could do nothing for a very long time as well. I guess the only thing that inspires me is that I'm around 10 of the hottest people in the galaxy (Brad Wilson, Katie Whiddon, Sarah Guest, Stacey Stone, Summer Ruddick, Cassie Silva, etc) [Notice how I mentioned Brad Wilson FIRST]

During the test, I whispered "GPA Suicide." The test was so bad, I didn't read the first 40 questions. I tried to write "Katie is Pretty" on my scantron, but it didn't work - I had no room. After my test was over, I took out a piece of paper and wrote GPA Suicide on it, and on the P, a man named "Mr.GPA" falls off and dies. I then got the entire class to sign it, and alas, you see the picture before me.

I can't say anything else but - the luck we have is very...all over the place. It's very erratic. I think though, that's a good thing - it gives us all some entertainment. Like touching girl's assholes.


"Did you hear the headbangers from Lee are going to jump The Broken?" - Says somebody

I look around and say, "WHAT THE FUCK?" And then I look around and see all the stupid fucks who think they're all bad because they wear Cannibal Corpse shirts and suck semen with a straw, and just shook my head. Although I love hardcore music and dressing with the bands I like, I cannot fucking stand people who do it and make an occupation of being a fucking asshole. Just because you listen to hardcore music doesnt' make you "bad ass." Fuck that, I listen to classical music from the Nutcracker and I'm more bad ass than half the American public. I mean, LOOK AT HOW BIG MY FUCKING NUTS ARE!

*Turns on Marriage of Figaro by Mozart, opens porn magazine, crosses legs, opens beer, burps really loud*

LOLOLOL, that was so funny I'm laughing myself. I usually don't do that.

So anyway, back on topic, who the fuck are these idiots anyway? Man, you see that Anti-Prep slogan on top of this fucking website? Wait, does it say Anti-Asshole? Yeah, same fucking thing, those god damn stupid fucks. I mean, I like the members of The Broken. Their music is a little bit off in my taste, but they're talented, and they're all beautiful. Honestly, I'm all for people's opinions. This girl I know loves AFI and that kind of shit, I hate it personally, and she hated The Horrid Affair on Friday night, but its not like she's gonna fucking jump those people cause they don't like "The Young and the Fuckless" speaking of Good Charlotte, those fucking yellow bellied pussies.

The Broken didn't get jumped, they played a good show, and I ate lots of fucking cottage cheese. Speaking of that - Rachel "Eat some cottage cheese and you might as well eat my pussy" Barajas is a "Tijuanian Nigger." Thanks!

And I most apologize to my Military Commander Tommy McMahon for accidently running into his nose when I was jumping like a fucking dumb ass Friday night. You are my baby boy, Tommy. I love you.

Spur 330

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. If you don't know what Spur 330 is, it is the equivilant name to Decker Drive. If you don't know what Decker Drive is, GET THE FUCK OFF THIS WEBSITE NOW YOU FUCKING BRAZILIAN BUDDHIST BITCH! (ALLITERATION.COM/mattimpelluso)

Obviously, Decker Drive is known to all the Lakewood fuckers (aka Andrew J Masterson, Rachel "Lick up some Clorox and you'll feel what happens to you when I piss in your mouth" Barajas, and Walter "I fit 9 people AND my penis in my Nissan Altima" Jones) as the route to get to school (REL) and basically a long chemical road to all of you where your parents might work (ExxonMobil, Niggerville)

Anyway, to those of you keen with transportation, like myself, (when I shit, subway patterns form in my toliet, and my toliet responds with the train schedule of any train I'd like, any time of the day, 24/7, 365 days a year) the Decker Drive Spur 330 Highway opening will be TOMORROW. Yes, people from Highlands can cross Baytown in a middle of SECONDS now, instead of a matter of fifteen or more minutes. This is a great day for the Baytown people. Not like we fucking get much anyway.

Tomorrow, I plan on getting Rachel "I shop at Goodwill and buy Granny sweaters shown on EatMeOutGrandma.com" Barajas to drive me across this wonderful stretch of road that not many people will have gone across considering its the first day open and then I will take a very large shit. No reason, I just think shitting is good for you. For anyone who's wondering, my shit diet has gotten better, and the Metamucil is working great.

I noticed something AMAZING today. Near the Johnny Carinos sign, they're...moving some dirt around. Either they're making Rachel's new burial place or they're making Johnny Carinos - one or the other - we're all going to be VERY HAPPY that the Mexican restaurants are now being outnumbered by some different types of variety for the Baytown people. Cause honestly, the Veranda Cafe is so bad, I might as well stop drinking my Metamucil and pull a Derek Jones and shit all over my fucking self. Then, I'll tell people two months later it was a bet to get 50 bucks.

Besides that, all I have to say is...PUSSY.


Hey, if you have something to say, say it. If you're keeping something from someone, and intended to hurt their feelings, say it!

That concludes the shortest WOMM section EVER

*P.S. Not directed to anyone, but I wish Rachel would tell me how large her @#$% really is. (You can insert any male or female part right there to make you laugh more or less)


I sort of ask myself why people go Goodwill shopping. Most notably, these people include Short Bitch Numbero Dos.

"Short Bitch, it smells really bad in here, kinda like piss" - I say to Short Bitch as I look for a stuffed animal pony, but I never found one. However, I did find a large purple dragon entitled Spyro and I gave it to Miranda and she liked it. It's pretty large. And I tried to make the price 49 cents and instead, they caught me and charged me 1.99.

After that, I went back home and Rachel "Stinks" Barajas picked me up and we went to the mall. It was there we engaged in casual anal sex, minus the anal sex. So we just acted casual. I crossed my legs, and she didn't, cause she's a fucking dirty whore.

Rachel over here buys the entire fucking store in the mall that I can remember the name to. All I know is, she's wearing a SHITLOAD of FUBU right now. I threw lots of things at her and she got mad at me, but I just kept calling her a Jew and everything was totally ok. Then we went to Sears to visit Amy "Matt, put that bra back where you found it" Warren. She was really happy to see us, and we just ate tons of bacon with her.

After that was done, we went back to my house and what I witnessed was the greatest South Park episode ever! It came out last week, and I'm sad to say I haven't seen ANY Season Seven episodes of SP, so when I saw this one, I felt more at one with myself. And was I. It was about Wendy breaking up with Stan, and Stan turning into an emo kid, and that's exactly the type of South Park episode I can relate to, considering, I am Stan, as in, not because of his situation, but because I've always LOVED Stan, like, wanted to make love to him. LOLOLOL, the entire time, Rachel "I like 9 year old South Park boys" Barajas was saying "GOD STAN IS SO HOT!" So I pulled out my 9 inch wanker, (every year older you get in South Park land your wanker growns an inch) and she touched it.

If you haven't noticed, I've been more pervertedly violent on this website. GLAD YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CHANGE CAUSE IT'S FUCKING MINE!

Walter's Balls

After fitting 9 people into Walter's car, this is all we can possibly say:

"OK GUYS! This is the first ever TW Mexican Road Trip. HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP! FEATURING....FEATURING WALTER JONES, ANGELA SHELTON, MATT IMPELLUSO, BILL VICKERS, JUSTIN ROSE, KELLY KINCL, MIRANDA BRYANT, MARK MONTOYA, AND MERRITT DREWERY. WE'RE GO TO IHHOOOOOOPPPP!" If you're a fucking idiot, that entire paragraph above was a link to the soundclip of that.

Office Aide Violence

Ok, what all of you have been hearing all week is true: On Tuesday, I physically removed Thomas Currie from the Junior Office, because I was just tired of his hick African sense of humor. This is exactly what happened:

1) I grabbed a stool and I went up to him and ran it into him

2) I dropped the stool

3) I dropped your mother

4) Tom falls back, I take his arm, pull him to the ground

5) Tom flies through the door when he's being pulled to the ground

6) Your mother is being raped by me

7) I go outside while Tom is laughing his brains off and yell: "DON'T YOU EVER COME INTO THIS OFFICE AGAIN!"

8) I walk into the office, take a seat at the desk, and watch Jenna and Ben laugh

9) Two administrative staff, two security guards, three Communities In Schools personal, your father, your brother, and several deer hunters from East Texas come into the office. They're all accusing me of murder. I'm then being sent to my grade-level office.


11) I sit in the Senior Office and tell everybody my story. They all laugh. I sit in there for nothing.

12) A day later, I told my principal what happened, with a police officer standing right next to him. Not only did nothing happen to me, we talked about the Yankees afterward.

13) Poor Tom Currie got an adminstrative d-hall, for being thrown out of the Junior Office

14) For the next couple of days, every thing I tell Tom has to do with him being kicked out somewhere by me

15) We forget to tell Jonathan we're going to Outback instead of Chilis

16) We put El Pato Enchilida Sauce in Locker C218 in the Freshman hallway at Ross S Sterling High School.

17) Justin Holt cock-blocks Jonathan while Jonathan asks for a Dr. Pepper.

18) Kelly comes up with the idea for Target V: We all have to take a picture with a different midget. I called for Rachel first.

19) Tom dies. RIP Tom.

Graduation Ceremonies

I've decided to write a section about the many things that will happen when our name is called at Graduation. Obviously, this isn't going to really happen, but its my fantasy. DON'T FUCKING RUIN IT.

Matt Impelluso - When my name is called, I plan on having about ten Juniors stand near Gentry and light Roman Candles, the firecrackers that go up in the sky and make very very pretty balls of light. In the stands, I just see about thirty people or so holding large Italian flags and the rest of the people in the audience holding up flares like it was some kind of huge massive soccer game. Then, in the background, you would hear the Spanish announcer Andres Cortan or whatever yelling "Goooooooleeeee!" Then, the entire US Women's National Team runs naked down Stallworth Stadium but they're all dribbling soccer balls while they're doing this. As of 12-14-03, Miranda Bryant is on the US Women's National Soccer Team. A plane that makes messages in the sky comes across and writes "Italians love Pussy" in HUGE LETTERS over the stadium. Although that's profane, I can't technically get in trouble cause the school district doesn't own the sky.

Jeremy Garrett - in the old days, Kings and Queens used to be carried on these carriages that weren't manned by horses, but by people. There would be four large poles hanging from each corner, and one person would hold each pole, and just carry the Emperor or whatever in that. Well, Jeremy would be in that, and when he got to the very end of the line, he would join the band members of "Every Time I Die" and sing "Logic of Crocodiles." He does this all naked, by the way.

Brad Wilson and Andrew Masterson - THE HUGE guitar from The Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas is transported to the middle of Stallworth Stadium. On the base of the guitar straight from Europe is Radiohead, waiting to play Paranoid Android for the thousands of people in attendance. At the end, the band members of Radiohead each give them both a blowjob.

Jonathan Yoo - Those huge dragons that are displayed for Chinese New Year in China comes out from the South side of the stadium, and underneath them is about 500 Asian girls, naked. Jonathan is being crowd surfed on top of all of them and he's also naked, as well. The entire band is playing the song "Danny Boy" and they're doing it in a Jazzy style. Although Joanthan is Korean, the Chinese dragon will have to do. Or else, if that's not possible, the entire North Korean army marches in the stadium military style and then a bomb from Washington comes in and we kill them all. Minus Jonathan. He can have the girls.

Nick Reasoner - nothing, his performance walking up is probably going to contain cartwheels anyway. So, we'll just wait to see what he does.

Jeff Delmonico - while he's sitting in the audience of the graduating class, a group of Italian mob bosses come into the parking lot and steal his 4-Runner. When his name is called on the field, the 4-Runner suddenly falls from the sky and kills the members of Radiohead, accidently. It explodes, the guitar from Las Vegas falls on the ground, and suddenly ,a helicopter carrying a new Lamborghini comes to the ground level, lets go of it, and also explodes. The Italian mob bosses hand Jeff the keys to the car, and then they explode as well.

Bill Vickers - The Kidnap Soundtrack would suddenly emerge from a helicopter, carrying the band on a huge stage that will be placed in center field. They will begin playing the Dash. Bill will then start a mosh pit with all the administrators in mid-field. Since he's at the bottle of the list, the majority of us can join him in the mosh pit, and we will still have our diplomas. During the breakdown, when the sherrifs and police start running to break up the mosh pit, the emo kids of 05 can begin hardcore dancing to distract attention from the main mosh pit. The helicopter then raises Kidnap from the stage, and Carlos, the guitarist, begins pouring tequila bottles on all the people in the pit. Everyone sits down like nothing even happened, Bill shakes Shaw's hand, and sits down, choking on the worm from the tequila bottle.

Steve Terry - when Steve's name is called, a bunch of Mexican immigrants run into the Graduation ceremony holding machine guns, but with blanks, because they wouldn't allow a loaded machine gun on a school property, and they'll be wearing Counterstrike ConterTerrorist uniforms. When Steve finishes shaking everyone's hand, he runs into a suit himself, and then they run off yelling all the Counterstrike commands at each other. Steve yells "Fire in the hole."

Dottie Reid - a very very large bed flys out of heaven for Dottie, and it lands right next to her as she's done shaking everyone's hand. She gets under the covers, goes to sleep, and the bed rises back up into the sky and starts making flips in the air, but Dottie is perfectly ok. The audience "counts sheep."

Brian Gustin - when Brian's name is called, about 20 classic trucks and cars come into the stadium, flying by at their top speed. When they all finish, they come back into the stadium and make a line for Brian. Brian runs through it like they're the cheerleaders at Sterling. In every vehicle, there is a naked model. And, in every vehicle, is a naked car mechanic.

Melissa Pence - Melissa is trapped on one side of the stadium. All of a sudden, the Stadium breaks in two in the middle and a huge Olympic swimming pool opens up. To entertain the crowd and to get her diploma, Melissa must swim across the entire pool wearing her dress for Graduation. Although that's not really cool for her, it's cool for everyone else watching. LOLOL.

Blake Moyer - a huge piece of steak is dropped from the sky and lands on the huge guitar. Blake runs up the guitar and starts eating the steak, and on top of it is his naked girlfriend, Rebecca Holmes, and she's eating some Salusbury Steak. With A1 Steak Sauce.

Kelly Kincl - When Kelly's name is called, 2 fighter jets from Texas A&M come across the stadium and make a ton of noise. Then, everyone in the stadium pulls down their pants, and FARTS. Bill stands with a lighter in hold and lights it, and everyone blows up in flames. Then, the RSS Band comes in playing "The Night we brought Ole Dixie Down" and everyone is laughing and having a merry ole time. The graduates of Lee are unharmed, I might add.

Tommy McMahon - a large Thunderbird is flown in by a military helicopter. It's placed on top of all the people burning alive from Kelly's accident, and the bottle is then broken, and the fire is destroyed. Around the bottle is a stairwell full of a ton of naked models, and they're all saying the same thing: "Would you like some tasty turkey, Tommy?" And they're ALL eating turkey legs. Tommy gets turned on, walks up to the girls, and then they all explode. Why? The turkey legs were obviously poison that used to kill niggers in the 1860's.

"From the office of William Brooks" by Chad Kell

"Once every 1000 years an actor is born. An atcor destined to recieve medal after medal from the UIL Consule of Elders. That actor is I, and I shall triumph and live my destiny. My actoring is amazing, sheer genius, pure actoring derived from the massive size of my growth.

"Through time, God has sent several thespians to Earth in order to further the culture of his greatest creation. They have included Ray Liotta, Keifer Sutterland, and Edward Norton. I will be the next. All should fear me. All. My ability to manipulate elements and the forces that shape reality has put me ahead of any of my competitors. I am God. I created you. And you and you, and you too.

"My acting makes everyone in the audience feel as through they have recieved a 30 minute blowjob from a seraphim, a member of the highest choir of angels, or a handjob from an emperor penquin. I am your God. I am your perfect drug.

"However, the Lord dubbed that I should play the role of Charlie, a man plagued by SIDS. In order to play this part, I had to contact AIDS, then SIDS, leaving me benefit of my life. For this reason, I deserve the two awards I have asked for: A UIL career achievement award, and a blowjob from Chelsea Clinton. I love you all, my children." -By Chad Kell. (RIP Chad Kell, for being hit in the leg very badly during a battle of Montana Sparks, a new organized sports game being held in auditoriums nation wide.)

A Conclusion

No, there was no Mastication this week. Maybe this week...

Yes, the Pledge of Allegiance is the only time in school where I have time to cheer that SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS BEEN CAPTURED! THAT FUCKING SAND-NIGGER!

Yes, The Horrid Affair, The Kidnap Soundtrack, Last Ride In, The Last Starfighter, and Aurora (I'm probably missing someone) will play at Shitvation Skatepark on December 19. I am sadly going to support my buddies.

Yes, I am going to New York next Monday. No, I will not buy you female condoms, Kelly.

Yes, I am finishing this column. No, you are not a wetback.


Rachel - 12 times
Fuck - 39 times
Shit - 12 times
Bitch - 2 times
Pussy - 6 times
Damn - 1 time
Ass - 9 Times