Now, this is a super-duper triple special for TW!!! We have the Year in Review, the People of the Year, and a WOMM? Are you shitting me Matt? How much do you want me to read? A lot, you're absolutely right. I think I gained like 50 words per minute typing so much.
This WOMM is going to have many sections, and they will be of the following:
So, Walking 49 has a show at Cardi's this club in Houston. Cardi's is pretty nice. I liked the premises. The area, however, surrounding Cardi's, is less pleasant looking then Kelly Osbourne's fucking weight. I mean, you look around you're like, I take shits prettier then this! Or, man, the roach that I stepped on last night looks edible compared to this trash. Ok, it wasn't that bad, or else we'd be living in Channelview. (OH, PUT DOWN, OH GOD!!)
So, even with that all against us, Jared parks sort of in the middle of Cardi's parking lot. Inside, he stores away anything noticeable: A CD Player cover, his radar detector plus little hanger magiggy to hold the radar detector, his cds, and his girlfriend's purse. With all these things hidden, we were ready to rumble.
I left my jacket inside as well because I thought, well how cold can a bar get? Oh let me tell you, I was freezing my ass off in Cardi's. Not like I would later as you would find out, but I was freezing.
So, its BJ, the lead guitarist, Justin Glover, the drummer, Jared, Frankie, and me sitting in a row at Cardi's watching this HORRIBLE band preform. God, they sucked. Anyway, all of a sudden, everyone leaves. Frankie and I are wondering where the hell everyone went. So, we go outside.
Everyone is crowded around BJ's and Jared's truck, so I go over there. I was going to get my jacket as well because it was cold. Not even noticing Jared's window being fucking shattered, I go to the other side where my jacket was and tried opening the door. I didn't even know why people were all over the place.
JARED'S TRUCK GOT ROBBED!! HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS!!!
I couldn't believe it. I looked around at the glass and just...laughed. I couldn't believe it was happening. I felt so sorry for Jared.
And I was cold.
So I looked for my jacket. Well, I looked some more. And, well, I looked.
It wasn't till about five seconds later I realized, THE ROBBERS STOLE MY FUCKING LETTER JACKET WITH MY LAST NAME SEWED ON THE BACK OF IT!!!!!
I was so pissed! Jared started laughing his mother fucking ass off. He couldn't believe it either. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND WOULD STEAL A GOD DAMN LETTER JACKET???
"DUDE, THEY STOLE MY LETTER JACKET!!!" - Me
"[LOLOLOLOLOLOL]" - Jared
"GUYS, THEY STOLE MY LETTER JACKET!!!" - Me
"WHAT????" - Group of people
"NO FUCKING JOKE, WHO THE FUCK STEALS A LETTER JACKET???" - Me
"Why would someone steal something with your last name?" - Someone
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. WHO IS HE GOING TO SELL IT TO? ME????" - Me
So, I go all around Cardi's yelling about how my letter jacket is stolen. I'm going crazy. Then, Brandon Watkins, a boy from Lee, calls the cops because they're taking their sweet time and makes this huge ass scene about how his parents are going to murder him if the cops don't come quick. It was so damn hilarious.
Finally, a cop comes, and he's a chink. Ok, here we are, in the middle of fucking Southwest Houston, in the shittest looking shittest area in the world, and our cop is a CHINESE PERSON, WHO'S SECOND LANGUAGE IS ENGLISH!!!! WHAT THE @#% @#$% !@#$% @$$@# @#@$@# @#@#@#@#@# !@$#@%@%@$#@%@%^@#^#^%$^$@%@??????
I don't have a jacket. I'm freezing my ass off. The cop gets all of our information, looks at Jared's truck, but nothing. Can't tell anything. Jared gets this case number shit. The guy who reported the robbery helped Jared out with some garbage bags he could put over the window. We had an hour ride back to Baytown. Jared and I didn't have jackets. Christine had this huge fur like, I don't know what it was, I mean it looked sexy on her, but still.
We go inside, round up the people telling them we're going to attempt driving home, and we do.
Jared gets Frankie's hoodie, and once again, I am blessed with an Abercrombie shirt, straight from the back seat of Jared's truck. So, the ride home consists of this: The first twenty-five minutes, I call my mom, yelling and screaming bad words and all this about how my jacket is gone, and how my ID badge was inside my jacket. They stole my god damn aweosme HP lanyard ID Badge. Fuck them. FUCK EM!!!
Jared and Christine enjoyed the show of me calling my mom. They were laughing the entire time. Jared couldn't comprehend how they could steal a letterman jacket. Also, Jared realized that they pulled his radar detector so hard out of the cigarette lighter, that they broke it! These robbers weren't TOO smart. Also, Jared was bitching about how he was surrounded by a BMW and Lincoln Navigator. But, they all had alarm systems.
When I get back to my house, you guessed it, freezing, Jared's cell-phone rings. Its Christine's mom, saying someone found her purse!!!
Christine picks up the phone and starts talking to the guy, then hands it over to Jared. Jared talks to him and they left the purse in the driveway, with the drivers license. Jared then asks about my jacket. After a minute of silence, THEY FOUND MY DAMN JACKET!!!
Christine's purse was missing her TI-89, her check book, cash, gift certificates, etc. Jared altogether lost his CD Player, his Radar Detector, and his new Sum 41 cd, which he is REALLY PISSED OFF about. LOL.
The next day, Jared brings over my jacket. Its in perfect condition.
The criminals stole my ID Badge. This made me FURIOUS. WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT MY ID BADGE??? I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN LOOK PRETTY IN THE PIC. I HAD LESS HAIR ON MY HEAD THAN JARED MINUS 500!!!! Well, this story is over. I have my jacket, but no ID Badge. Walking 49 scheduled another show at Cardi's, but its unknown whether Jared and I are going to that one. Oh, something so damn stupid. While this is all going on, and we tell Frankie we're gonna leave, he asks, "Dude, who's going to take pictures?"
At that point, Jared and I were about to team up and kick some Philipene ass.
[Frankie throws ketchup at the ceiling, and some gets on my hand]
"FRANKIE, YOU FUCKIN ASIAN!!!" - Me
"[LOLOLOL]" - Frankie
Alright, how many of you have itchy clicky fingers and you read everyone's away message by right clicking their name and pressing info on AIM? Good, glad everyone does it. Well, I'm starting to get sick and tired of people putting away messages that are so informative you want to slap them in the freakin face.
"I'm..just..away." WELL NO SHIT LAURA, I KNOW THAT, I SEE THE STUPID NOTEPAD BY YOUR NAME. WHAT DID I THINK YOU WERE DOING? SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER?
"[Song Lyrics Here]" Ok, that's really nice. I think you seemed to miss the consumption of what a PROFILE is and what an AWAY MESSAGE is. An away message is something you write to tell people you are gone and quick description. A profile has enough space for you to put all your favorite song quotes. Now, tell me where you are, because I don't fucking care who's bleeding on your god damn shirt [Taking Back Friday (LOL), or some shit like that]
"I'm away from my computer right now." Man, thanks a lot. Why don't you just tell me what you're doing? Are you taking a shit? "NO II'M A QUEER, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?Are you touching me? What are you doing, so and so? God damn it. You are so lazy you don't even want to make up your own away message! What is wrong with you people??"
"I seem to be away at the moment. I am currently in the process of completing a task that is simply too complex for your simple little brain to comprehend. I will return to my workstation at a later date." Brian, you try way too hard dude, that's just as dumb as "I'm away from my computer right now."
"i'm doing something" - REALLY?? LIKE WHAT??? WASTING MY TIME WITH A DUMB AWAY MESSAGE??
"if sad = fun, i'm having the time of my life right now :-\" - hmmm, the gayest away message I've ever had.
"WTF im gone..." - no shit.
"gone.." - Wow, I know that!
"Hi, I'm taking a shower, eating, taking a shit, wacking off, then going to sleep." - THE PERFECT AWAY MESSAGE AND LIFESTYLE!!
2002 sucked. Big time. Anyone that says otherwise, isn't cool. Actually, it sucked for me. It could have been wonderful for you.
My New Years Resolution is to try and remain the same no matter what girl I like or am with, because this year, I got fucky. Big time. I went crazy, I was a depressant, and I liked talking to Herbie about life. (Ouch, jk Herbie).
Another personal Resolution: Keep up the work in school so that come scholarship time and signing up for colleges, NYU would be very interested in Matthew James.
So, what are yours? TW employees, express what you want your resolution to be. Whether its getting laid or having sex or doing it, wait, that's the same thing, or getting a penis enlargement because your lover just doesn't love you too much anymore, (Rachel needs one, not for Herbie, but for herself!!) or just to be a good person (yeah right).
Oh, and stop getting cameras for Christmas. Its just not cool. I should be the only person with un camero. Just kidding though.
State of the Union
Anyway guys, the New Year is here. Aren't all of you excited? I have the People of the Year on top of TW ready for viewing and voting. Please vote fairly and not just for yourself. Like, I know I'm not funnier then Tommy, so I vote for him instead of myself. Have a safe New Year, but party like its 2003.
-Father, signing off, the Year 2002.